Looking Forward

You know how sometimes you get a glimpse of the future, an inkling of what's to come? Sometimes they are happy windows into the coming years, sometimes sad, sometimes they are a little of both - at the same time.

One night not so long ago I was sitting on the couch and my big, long, skinny, 6 foot 2 inch 15 year old son was lying on the couch with his head in my lap. We were facing the same direction so he couldn't see me as I looked down at him. I was tickling his back and playing with his hair and remembering how little he used to be. There is a little swirl of hair right at the nape of his neck that swoops around and I was twirling it through my fingers when it dawned on me that someday someone else would be doing this. Someday he would be married and his wife would tickle his back, watch him while he lay resting, and swirl this little curl around her fingers. As I thought this I felt jealous, and possessive, unready to think about such a thing when he was still my little boy. Hot tears prickled at my eyes.

Finally I said in my normal, non-crying voice, what I was thinking. I left out the jealousy and possessiveness, and just talked about how someday someone else would be doing this. He was quiet for a minute, then he said, "Wow, that's weird to think about...and, kinda sad." That did it, the tears began to roll down my cheeks, but not wanting to ruin the moment, I kept it quiet. Then I told him it was kinda sad for me too. We sat there like that for a while. I told him it makes me feel like I want to spend as much time as I can with him, to enjoy him as much as possible before he grows up. I said, “because tomorrow will come and you’ll be gone; on your mission, at college, married.” And I cried some more.

The conversation turned to the many hours I've been spending at work lately. I told him I was sorry I'd been gone so much and he told me that at first when I was gone so much he liked the extra freedom. But now, he said, he just missed me. He said that having his friends over wasn't nearly as much fun when I wasn't around to tell funny jokes, talk to his friends, or say silly things that kind of embarrass him. He said those things made him feel good.

We sat quietly like that for a while, enjoying just being together. Eventually I told him I needed to get some work done and I tried to pry him off of me. He finally let me get up, and as I walked into the other room, I could feel his teardrops on my pants where his head had laid.