Texting saved my marriage. Or, procrastination.

by Emily


We started texting with some regularity about a year ago. It didn't really "save" my marriage, but that sure caught your attention, didn't it? Sorry if you feel misled.

If you don't text, let me give you a few reasons why you should try:

• It can add some spice to your love life: it's a great way to deliver a love note. I would recommend this to newlyweds and experienced partners alike. Texting by nature is short, so you don't feel obligated or pressured to come up with a lot to say, just a simple love phrase goes a long ways. And if you're busy, it isn't demanding--you can text your wife in the middle of that meeting "Thinking of you...(or your hot legs)", or your husband in the middle of that piano lesson "you're my hunka hunka man" or maybe it's a simple, "I love you" or "Thanks for..."
  
• Besides your love life, what about your loving relationships with others? If you have kids with cell phones, you can text them "I love you's" and "I'm proud of you's" and "CTR's" as much as you want--they will read it. They have to read a text, it is like an all powerful force in their lives. They can't resist the ring of a text.
  
• Meeting up. If you're meeting someone at a crowded event (football game, concert arena, church?) you can text your location "second row, left." This is good if you're in a loud environment and talking is difficult, or you're in a quiet environment (like church, movie theater).
  
• Grocery lists. No more excuses when your spouse or teenager is running to the store: "don't forget: milk, butter, and grapefruit...and diapers" no excuses, no excuses...you'd hate to have to go back for the diapers.
  
• Change in schedule. This happens to us (me and my husband) where one of us will be in an irregular meeting of sorts (doctor's appointment, etc.) and the other is in charge of x, y, or z, which he or she is not usually in charge of. For example, "your turn to feed the meter" (when we park on campus, and we're both in class), or "don't forget to pick up the kids at 4." It's a friendly reminder.
  
• "Remind me to tell you about..." what Roo said this morning...or, that past due bill...or, the Walmart Wacko. You know, these are the things you think of telling someone during the day, but it just isn't the right time for a phone call. You can text a prelude to your conversation instead.
• Avoid sounding like a nagging naggy nag: You can text from one room in the house to another. Some of you might think this is ridiculous, but it is not. It saves you from nagging loudly at the top of your lungs (not pretty, and usually ineffective), and the message is clearly received. Consider doing this the next time you need your teenager's help. Or, how about when your spouse is glued to the computer/tv and you want to invite him/her to join you in something, without having to sound like a nagging pest?
• Apologies. Avoid insincerity. This is only to be reserved for those rare occasions when things go wrong, you can't apologize in person, and therefore a text is the next best option. It also helps to pave the way for a genuine apologetic follow-up phone call. A plea, so to speak. Humor helps too. "I'm really sorry, I was a stinky poo poo, and I hope you will forgive me. ;-( I love you."
  
• Venting Anger. If you really need to get that message across, you might feel better doing it by text. For example, if your teenager is driving you to the edge, your text might read: "I'm really mad at you." Or, "If I had a gun, I'd hit you with it!" This is sure to get the point across, and will not be easily forgotten. [That's an inside joke for all you Boss-me regulars ;-)] On second thought, this might not be a good idea. Don't text when angry. Take a deep breath, count to ten, maybe walk around to block. Just put the cell phone down and think twice.
  
• Distraction/procrastination. Okay, this is not a virtue of texting. It is a vice. As in, I blog, therefore I procrastinate. I text, therefore I procrastinate. Kinda how I'm procrastinating writing my 20 page paper on Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day and Mary Louise Pratt's Contact Zones theory--by blogging, and by texting my husband who is at school while I write in our basement. But it is worth it, all you bloggers know it is worth it. Beside, texting is no where near the time-suck that blogging is, unless you're 14 years old.
  

That's all I got. What would you add to this list? My marriage is just a little bit better because of texting. Please don't text and drive.

The Twilight Years

I saw Twilight on opening day with a bunch of darling women who screamed through the entire show. Sally asked me if it was good. I answered, "The show? or the experience? The experience was great!"

For your viewing pleasure:

Twilight Years from Tom on Vimeo.

If I Had A Gun

By Robin

We all want to be that perfect mom. A tireless, tender, peaceful woman who anticipates every need and quietly stands near with a band-aid, comfort food, and concise soft spoken wisdom.

Once, I fell short of that standard. In a fit of anger-fed passion I said something that has come back to haunt me again and again.

In defense, let me explain my situation. It's hard to believe now, but at one point I was more than overwhelmed with my children. It was about five years ago. I had four noisy demanding children, two of which were headstrong teenagers. There was contention, and confusion, and a measure of defiance. I needed a nanny for each child. I needed a housekeeper. I needed a nap. I needed everyone to do what I told them to do. I was a woman pushed to the edge, so really, I can't be held responsible for what I said (yelled).

A certain child had pushed every button and pushed them too hard. I was furious. Fury isn't a normal part of my personality. I'm not a hitter, a screamer, or a yeller. I will cry instead. Occasionally I will cuss a mild PG-13 word under my breath or rattle some pans in the kitchen. I lean towards self pity and defeat rather than fury and anger but at this moment I was furious. In a moment of regrettable insanity I thought I would kill that boy, so, I yelled, "If I had a gun..." I suddenly went into slow motion mode and realized, as the words were coming out of my mouth, that I wouldn't really kill him. But I had committed to "if I had a gun" and I had to finish it. So I said,

"If I had a gun...I would hit you on the head with it!"

There was a moment of shocked silence. The word "gun" was a big deal and I could see momentary fear on his face. Then as the rest of the threat sank in he started to laugh. It was nervous laughter at first and then it quickly became hilarious. I was a frustrated potential murderer, but knowing the value of being able to laugh at myself, I told the kids I was just kidding and tried to play it off as a joke.

It is a joke. The family joke. When someone gets dramatically angry one of the kids will say, "If I had a gun I'd hit you on the head!" Gabe put it on his MySpace page as his quote. It is a phrase that entertains and amuses the kids and reminds us all of my ineptness at making a decent threat.

It will probably end up on a t-shirt one day.

Good for a laugh

by Sally

It's okay to laugh, because they sent the picture in themselves.

Awkward Family Photos

Enjoy. Here are some favorites:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=26

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=1035

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=960

Brushing Up Against Fame

by Kristen

We've all had them, that moment when you see someone famous, you "brush up against fame", you maybe even have a conversation or a real moment with them. Some people know famous people and know them in their "non-famous" sense.

Well, recently I blogged about learning how to do the Butterfly swim stroke - huge accomplishment for me. And I mentioned Michael Phelps, how we are buds. I thought I should make this clear, as some of you may doubt that I actually know him. We are, actually good friends. He's been busy so we've lost touch, but our hearts are still connected in that rare way that super close friends feel - like velcro, kind of, without the bad ripping noise.

Way back in the day, in 2001, before the 8 gold medals at the Olympics, Mike and I were hanging out at the airport together waiting in Boarding Area B for our Southwest flight. We were watching the television posted nearby and the swimming competition going on. It was the National Championships and we were watching an impressive young man as he swam the Butterfly. Whoo-Hoo, he won! We could hear the announcer and cheers on the t.v. He had just set a world record in the 200 meter butterfly. The man traveling with Mike, who I later came to know was his coach, was talking to him animatedly and critiquing the swimmer. Suddenly it dawned on me, "This kid next to me, is that swimmer on t.v." Of course I congratulated him, and we began a long and deep conversation. We talked about our childhoods - mostly his - and how he would watch his sister swim when he was little, then he began swimming and loved it, and by age 15 he was accepted onto the US Nationals Team. He was very humble about it all. But his coach kept joining the conversation and bragging on him. He finally said, "You just wait...you'll see him win golds in the Olympics". How right he was! Finally it was time to board and we regretfully parted company as there were not enough seats for us to sit next to each other, I felt my heart stretch painfully as I saw him wipe a tear from his eye as his coach pushed him on down the narrow plane aisle, as he whispered "good bye" to me. But I've kept tabs on him through the years, and I suspect he has kept tabs on me too. We just had one of those connections, you know?

So what is your "Brush with Fame"?

Exaggerations are not only accepted, but expected. If you can't exaggerate, feel free to "remember big".

Say What?

by Emily

Can you relate to this story?



I'm 30 years old, and today--just today--I realized I've had it wrong all these years. Stay with me here. Today I was at Big Lots, and I saw something kind of like this
<----------------
And it reminded of me of this story.










When Robin had her first baby (sweet Hannah!) she hung in her nursery a tole painting that said:

"Love Bears All Things"
and I remember there being little teddy bears painted on it.

I thought, "Oh, it is cute because it is baby-ish, and teddy bears are cute." But I also, secretly, thought it was kind of stupid.

Of course, I was seeing the teddy bears, and therefore reading it like this:
Love bears, (notice the assumed comma) All things

I thought a lot about this as a 9 yr old. I wondered, "But does one really love bears? And if one does, is it accurate to assume that the love of All things will then follow?" And then I would conclude, "That's just stupid."

Maybe I need to read this book. Though mildly humorous sounding, I mostly think it would be boring to read now. I don't want to read a large book about comma use.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...

That's not stupid at all. It's beautiful. And today I just figured that out.

Your shoe is untied.

by Sally

April Fools' Day is tomorrow! Are you ready?

April Fools jokes should be funny. Not mean. Here are some ideas:

• Change all the clocks in the house by two hours.
• When someone calls your house, instead of answering the phone with "hello?", say "Hello! Is Bob there?"
• Get access to someone's computer and take a snapshot of their entire desktop. You can do this with the 'print screen' key on the keyboard. Minimize all of their desktop icons and use the pic you just took as the NEW desktop background. Their pointer will still work but they won't be able to click on anything. I wish I could do this to my husband. I would LOVE to see his reaction.
• Or, take a screenshot of the desktop screen, turn the picture upside down, and save it as wallpaper.

That's funny.

• Have a pregnant friend take a pregnancy test, show your husband and tell him you are pregnant. (could be considered mean.)
• Men, get a positive pregnancy test from a pregnant woman, and tell your wife that you are a freak of nature and are pregnant. If you do this, you must guest blog it here on Bossy.
• Tell your kids that your city voted for All Year School with no vacations. You could even print up a fake letter "that came in the mail today" to show them.
• I read about a woman whose mother, late at night on March 31, went around to her sleeping children and carried them into each other's rooms so they woke up in the wrong room. I might try this one. My kids would love it.
• Use a post-it note placed underneath a computer mouse - ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When someone goes to use the mouse, it won't work. On the post-it, write "April Fools!"
• Here's a great one for your spouse in the morning.
• And my personal favorite: "Your shoe is untied." I will be using this all day tomorrow. If you are going to be seeing me, wear loafers. You'll fall for it anyway.
  
  

For some entertainment, here's a (very detailed) record of well-known April Fools pranks. It is long but interesting.

Did you know that Costco now only buys milk from blue cows? Yum.

We want to hear about your Foolish plans! And pranks that you have played (or were played on you) in the past. Please share. We are having a huge blog giveaway for best April Fool's prank comment...a $1,000 gift card to Target!











April Fools!


Sorry. That was mean. But we do hope you have a fun April Fools Day and we would love to hear about your April Fools plans and ideas.

I dare ya.

Teach Your Children to Play by Themselves

by Emily

(Happy St. Patrick's Day! click here!)

When Sally had her first baby, we were lucky enough to live within an hour drive of each other. Because I was fairly newlywed and we were childless, I paid keen attention to this transition in Sally's life.

Which easily takes me on a tangent: being the youngest of 5 is awesome because you really do get so much out of watching your siblings go before you. In my case, I had the best examples. I have especially been watching Sally my whole life, as we are closest in age, and this "watching" has been done both inadvertently and intentionally.

Back to the point: I babysat my sweet nephew every chance I could get. I loved it. This was nothing new, I've been an aunt since I was 9, and I can remember each and every one of my nieces' and nephews' births and the magnitude of the occasion, how I felt my life touched and affected by each one individually.


But this was different, because all of a sudden, this time, it could be me.


Fast forward years later, and it is me.


So here is an important lesson I learned from Sally: Teach your children to play by themselves.

Oh, yes! It can be done! How, you ask? Prove it, you say in disbelief. I have a few short suggestions, and they may not jive with your parenting style, but it has worked for me, and I'm pretty sure it's worked for Sally.

1) Get DVR. Teach your child how to use the remote control.

2) Make snacks (fruit gummies, goldfish crackers, juice boxes) readily available, within your child's reach--you know, so they can help themselves.

3) Invest in a large library of VHS video tapes (because they're less easily ruined than DVDs) and teach your child how to use the VHS player.

4) Put all toys, markers, crayons, playdoh, etc. within arms reach for your child and let them have free reign.

5) Make sure your bathroom door has a lock on it, or maybe your bedroom door. This is so you can lock yourself in, and your children out, when the chaos hits the fan. You might consider some emergency rations in this room (chocolate, Dr. Pepper, a cordless phone, and some magazines...maybe a laptop with wireless internet).



HA! JUST KIDDING!


You didn't think I was serious, did you? Sally, did you really think I was going to soil your name on the World Wide Web like this? ;-)

No, the truth is, and we learn this again and again: an ounce of prevention is worth a stitch in time. No, wait. A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure? Hold on...that's not quite right...

Aphorisms are repeated again and again because of one thing: they teach a simple truth that we tend to need to learn over and over.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

A little effort upfront will save you a lot of effort and frustration down the road--and isn't this true to just about everything in life, including all aspects of parenting?

One of the first things I did (and I got this wisdom from Sally, not that garbage above), is that when my sweet little newborn awakens in the morning, or after a nap, and said baby is happily playing or cooing in the crib...as much as I may want to go in and scoop babyliciousness up in my arms, I let that baby play. He is happy. Alone. By himself. Playing. Entertaining himself. Not demanding anything.

THIS IS A SKILL that must be learned. Start early.

Another tip: ROUTINES (I totally struggle with this).

I wish my "routine" were a little more routine, like this:

Wake up (get myself dressed and fed, before kids wake up)
Kids dressed
Breakfast

Alone play time (sometimes I put on some child-friendly music to help, sometimes I deliberately get the kids "set-up" with an activity and then leave them alone to continue)

Snack
Walk? Library? Playgroup? (usually just more playtime)

Lunch
Naps

Wake-up snack
My oldest child has been doing "Preschool Pages" (from a workbook) after "nap" time, I direct her to get her started, then she does it ALONE

Playtime (by this point in the day I need to stop what I'm doing and spend some good playtime with my kids--reading books, or playing on the floor, going outside)

(maybe a nice, single video while I get dinner ready)

Dinner
PJs
Family Scripture Study
Family Prayer
Book
BEDTIME @ 7:00pm!

Celebration because kids are in bed!
Do something enjoyable
Go to bed early

(This is what I strive for, not what I actually do...)
I'm also a strong believer in organization of toys. If you have known me from my childhood, this will make you laugh because I always had the messiest room (please, let's not hog up the comments section with "hilarious" anecdotes of how messy my room was, okay? That's just so... unoriginal...;-))

Though I believe in ORGANIZATION, I don't really know how to do it. So don't ask me how.

Messy toys DO NOT GET PLAYED WITH. Which then results in bored children, which then results in parents being constantly nagged by kids who can't seem to play by themselves.

Finally, one last tip. I just refuse to let my life be dictated by a 3 year old. Ha! How rediculous of a statement is that? Let's be honest, who is in control here, me or she? I'm laughing because the truth is, I love her, and I pay sincere attention to her needs. It is "She" who must be obeyed. So let's have a sense of humor about this. Sometimes though, if she is bored, that is just her problem, and she needs the opportunity to figure it out.

How I respond to these repeated pleas of attention due to boredom differs day to day. Sometimes I just ignore her--I'll tell her, "I'm sorry, but you have to decide by yourself what to do right now. Right now it is Mommy's turn to do some work alone, and it is (child's name here)'s turn to play or work by yourself. You're in charge of finding something to do," and then I turn my back (turn on my mommy-sonar listening ears) and pretend to not notice her display of displeasure.

Sometimes I give in, and all it takes is 10 minutes of undivided attention and love to fill her emotional bucket, and then she's good, and I'm good, and it turned out to be the best 10 minutes of my day (her day too).

And then sometimes...I put a video in, and turn off the guilt switch.

We have to be kind to our kids, we have to try to teach them (give them the opportunity to learn this skill, even if you feel like your being a mean mommy by doing it) to play by themselves. But do it deliberately. And don't be so hard on yourself. And try to laugh. And...and...and...

I feel like these things have really helped. I am always looking for new tricks of the trade, so PLEASE share any wisdom and suggestions--or maybe just humor--we can all use a good laugh ;-)

The Numbing

by Emily

Exhibit A: The Numbing

Dilbert

Joe clipped this cartoon from the local paper's funnies over 5 years ago. It still comes to mind at random times in life. Recently I thought of it in humorous terms as a SAHM. I think it translates pretty well, don't you?


Exhibit B: The Smothering

The Sword in the Stone

"Um, Merlin? How will we get by?" and then to the girl squirrel, "Go on! Go on! You've got lots of room!"

Those squirrels are so darn cute! This cartoon makes me laugh out loud. I love the choreography of the tails, the absolute certainty of the girl squirrel--absolutely certain that the boy squirrel is just as in love with her and she is with him.

It reminds me of my children and captures so well how I often feel. They're SO cute, and sometimes I think I'm about to go CRAZY CAKES on them if they do not "go on! go on!" or "leave me alone" or "go away" or realize that there is "lots of room" for all of us. Just like the Wart (future King Arthur) is trying to figure out how to "get by" the squirrel, I sometimes feel like I spend my entire day trying to "get by" my kids--there is so much to do! It is all so important (you know) like dishes, laundry, meal prep, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!

There is a story my Bossy sister Robin tells that I love. It goes something like this: while watching old family videos and nearly weeping at the cuteness and littleness of her children, she hears a horrible, horrible thing in the background. Here are these adorable squeaky voices of Hannah, Gabe, and Noah in all their smallness and sweetness. And there it is again--the horrible thing in the background. It is mom. Mom's exasperated, annoyed, I'm-about-to-go-CRAZY-CAKES-on-you-all-if-you-don't-knock-it-off-right-now voice.

Only, in Robin's telling of the story it is much funnier, and she'll say something about how surely that wasn't her in the background behind the scenes! That must have been some other wicked-step-mother. She felt nothing but love and never-ending-patience for her children. All the time. Every minute. Every day.

Exhibit C: The Moment

I know that the dishes and the laundry and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning can wait. I know that. But I don't always feel that. Bossy sister Melissa has a quote on her blog that I love, that I will steal and share (I think I need to laminate it and tape it to my forehead):

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” Anna Quindlen

So here's to the Numbing, the Smothering, and the Moment: Love is a Powerful Thing. At least that's what Merlin says to future King Arthur after their adventure as squirrels. I believe it, and I'll try not to forget it.

Worst First Date

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. (Thanks mom, for emailing this to me!)

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

'And you thought your first date was embarrassing' was Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off. Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

What was your worst first date?

________ Makes Me Happy.

by Emily

Well, it ain't the cold weather.

It makes me down right grumpy, morose, cranky, yea even cantankerous, ill-humored, gloomy, dyspeptic, irritable, slothful, acrimonious even. Essentially it renders me useless and unpleasant to be around. Be warned. Here's a photo just in case you need a visual of the passive irritated rage expressed on my face while I make dinner and my husband dares to document our happy family life with our new camera.This photo was NOT staged.

Now, try to scroll past that unpleasant image greeting you for today's post. Let us speak of agreeable, congenial things, for all you happy bunnies out in winterland.

_______ Makes Me Happy

1. The yellow rose that DW gave Ruby 2 weeks ago and is still colorful, though a bit crusty, on our table top in a Perrier bottle that Joe bought because he wanted to drink something that made him feel special and our choices are limited since we don't drink alcohol. Thank you crusty but bright yellow rose. Thank you DW. Thank you Joe for green glass bottles. Thank you Ruby for being you that someone would want to give you a yellow rose.

2. SFLB (Short in the Front, Long in the Back); Business in Front, Party in the Back; Make Mom Happy but Still be Cool; Mullets. Okay, maybe I'm aiming at the wrong thing. Here: my little toddling crawler whose bangs I cut too short and whose curls I can't bear to cut, because he's my baby, dangit! And I'm not going through all that again anytime soon so he better stay baby for a long while. Do you think it would be cruel for me to go wake him up right now (it's 10 pm) just so I could selfishly slobber on his soft cheek and tickle him to hear his laugh? This is the best medicine. A drug, really. I'm totally addicted. It actually makes my mouth water (my eyes, too, in a different sort of way).

3. Double Stuffed Mint Oreos, Black Cherry Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream, Creamy Chicken Soup, and Tortilla Soup. In other words: Joe. Because this is the odd assortment of food he bought at the store on his recent "milk run" in a loving effort to cheer me up. Did I mention that I hate this cold weather? So, for the obvious: It's not the food that cheers me, but a husband who is so devoted and kindhearted. And funny. He even makes me laugh when I'm determined not to. (Like after he took that sneaky photo of me unawares and pissed off.)

This is my favorite toy in the way it promotes playing together and results in gleeful laughter. Music to my ears.

I'll take fries with that.

Seriously. This wasn't even in the Halloween Costume Department.



This is Boobie Bag. The maker even suggests how charming they would be for all the girls in a wedding party to carry. (she so cleverly uses the hooks and eyes from the back as fasteners for the top, you know, so nothing spills out.

The internet can be a great place for a laugh. Have I told you all that I seriously believe in laughing? I think it is CRITICAL for survival. So here is one last laugh. I found it on a blog and laughed so hard I woke up the sleeping baby on my lap.

Here is a good Laugh!

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists
her husband go with her to Walmart,
but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton------

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .....

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Regards, Walmart

Next Christmas Wish List

by Emily

Have you, your children, your husband, or anyone else you know, already begun to make next year's wish list?

I thought I would be gifted-out to the max. Done, done, and done. But then I saw what cool gifts others got, and to top it off, I read the Sky Mall magazine yesterday on the airplane.

The Sky Mall magazine is great, it has all the gadgets and gizmos you've thought about inventing for yourself and then realized that it really wasn't worth it. It has a way of making me feel anew in my motivation to organize every little thing in my life when I arrive home.

It is also great fodder for some hilarity during your flight. Joe and I flip through and show each other various items with our own commentary, "Now, I've always wanted one of those!" or "Seriously, is pouring yourself a glass of water so difficult that you need a machine that does it for you?" Etc. You get the idea.

Here are a few of my faves:

The "Progressive Wake-Up Clock"

I love that it isn't called an "alarm" clock, because HELLO! that would be too ALARMING which is beside the point. I've been wanting one of these for the last 6 years. As with everything in Sky Mall, I don't want it bad enough to spend the ridiculous money on it ($60+, no thanks)

The "Slanket"

Buy multiple Slankets for your guests to enjoy! Embroider them with family members' initials! Get one for the dog! These Fleece One-Size-Fits-All Slankets are FAR superior to those nasty old blankets the proletariat use. Our Slanket can be WORN! WORN, I SAY!

The "Pet Crate End Table"

Seriously? Why do you even have a dog?

And finally...

The "SkyRest Travel Pillow"
Oh Please, oh please, oh please, don't let me sit next to that guy. And do you really want to be "that guy"? You know, the one who is still blowing up his travel pillow halfway into the flight? "Ahem, excuse me while I inflate my huge drool pillow. Could you just scoot? I need some elbow room while I puff this thing up. If I pass out, I think there is an air-mask thingy you can use to revive me."

Is there a Sky Mall/As Seen on TV gadget you've pined after?

What was the sleeper hit?

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Hope it was flawless.

So, how are you handling the Christmas let-down?

What was the "sleeper hit" gift at your house? This is the gift that didn't seem like a big deal, but was surprisingly well received.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you

There is a radio commercial where Sally Field tells us that she only has one body so she takes Boniva (makes me think of cows for some strange reason – bovine?).

When I hear this commercial I realize that I only have one body too! Sally Field and I have so much in common. I better take care of it! I promise myself that I will back off the sugar, increase the exercise, blah blah blah. But by the time I get to where I am going, the commercial and subsequent resolutions have been forgotten.

Here is something you can do for your one and only body that doesn’t require you to forgo goodies or sweat: laugh more. Have a sense of humor. Studies, done by real doctors, have shown that people who have a sense of humor are not only happier, they are healthier. They have a stronger will to live, fight off disease better, have fewer heart problems, and have a better quality of life.

When you don’t feel like laughing, fake it. If you fake it for a while you will start to feel it. I can trick myself into thinking that I am having fun, or that an otherwise stressful event is funny. For example, I sometimes get the giggles when my teenagers have a full blown fit about something like cold cereal or people chewing with their mouths open.

It's not like life is a piece of cake at my house. Believe me, we have more than our share of drama and distress, but I have to laugh at myself. If I don’t, things will get ugly real fast. Its bad to take yourself too seriously. When I laugh at myself enough, I can actually get people to laugh with me. It is very rewarding. Especially if my husband and kids laugh. I find if I laugh before anyone else has time to yell or cry, often I can completely change the outcome of an entire situation.

There have been times, in my life as a mom, that I have resisted the urge to laugh because I wanted to nurse my anger, my sense of injustice. I regret those times.

So, I double dare you to laugh when you normally would freak out or get grumpy. You’ll feel better and so will everyone else.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. ~Woody Allen

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. ~Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts," Saturday Night Live

Celebrity Fashion

By Emily

If you haven't already heard of the term "fugly" let me catch you up to speed. Its a combo of the very very bad word "fantastically" (wink) and "ugly." Its a superlative for ugly--so, so ugly. Fantastically Ugly. Its not a very nice word to use when you think about it--but since when do people bother to think about what they say? Anyway, sometimes, just *sometimes, something can be so fugly, it's really fabulously fashionable.

Which brings me to this humorous site, with a not-so-nice-url, gofugyourself.com "Fugly is the new Pretty"

If you need a good laugh, or maybe you're just feeling bad about your wardrobe, why not turn to celebrity fashion mistakes to make you feel better. Ah, yes, how nice it is to laugh at someone else to make you feel better about yourself. Here's some Bossy advice: Lighten Up! Go find some fugly in your closet.



*this fugly is fab