My new favorite mom thing, and a free gift for you!

by Emily

It's the end of the day, my kids are pajama'd, and we're snuggling up on the couch for some reading time together. Often the day was long and chaotic (my husband and I are both in graduate school full-time and teaching), and its the first chance we've had to really connect with our kids. Days like that are tough on everyone. Our bedtime reading has become a sacred family ritual, and we all look forward to it.

When I think about being far away from our parents, and our children's grandparents, I feel sad that they don't get to enjoy our children in this same way--all snuggled up with a good book.

Enter:




I have been wanting to share this with all my mother friends! I finally got "permission" to do it from my brother in law, who is involved with the development of this cool product. It is called Readeo--as in the combination of the words read+video=Readeo.

Let me explain: have you ever used Skype? Or any other online video-chat program? Do you have children or grandchildren you do this with?

We have 2 children, and they miss their grandparents and so we have tried Skype as a way to have more meaningful contact with grandparents. It is nice, but Readeo is much more satisfying. It is like Skype, only with really great children's books, smooth video streaming, and bright, clear pictures.





I think my 2 year old, Joey, loves it most. This afternoon when I was talking to grandma on the phone, Joey was pulling on my leg, "Mommy? Mommy? Iwah book wih gamma! Now! Mommy?"

40 minutes later: the dishwasher is loaded, dinner is on the table, and Ruby (4) and Joey (2) have read 6 books with Grandma & Grandpa, as well as having showed them their tiger puppets they made at a Chinese New Year party, among other glorious tricks via Readeo's BookChat.

To get the full effect, check out this video on their home page: http://www.readeo.com/

The Story Behind Readeo from Readeo on Vimeo.

A few more things I like about Readeo:

• Face-to-face story time from anywhere in the world
• Award-winning and popular titles hand-picked for the site by Readeo’s editor (she's an expert in children's literature, IMO)
• Personalized “bookshelves” (I love this feature, and I gave some feedback to my brother in law, and now the bookshelves are awesome!)
• A library that is searchable by age, gender and subject matter
• A Book of the Month that is free to read for all users (even if you're not a paying subscriber!)



I hope you'll try it out, it is such a cool thing to do with your kids and grandparents, or a spouse who travels, or aunts & uncles, etc.

Here is the gift: a free month trial! You will need to sign up for a subscription to do so, but if you decide its not for you, you can cancel at any time, and you won't be billed until after the free month is over.

Coupon code: "readeolaunch"

I think you will LOVE it!

This might be a great gift for a grandparent who already has everything imaginable. Also, both users on each computer do NOT need to be a paying subscriber to use Readeo--only one user needs a subscription. The other user is a guest, and can BookChat anytime with the paying subscriber--so this is a great gift for the grandparent who has grandchildren in multiple locations.

Cell Phone Age

Sweet Sixteen is sweet at our house for one reason:

Cell Phone Age

Sure its also the age you can date, drive at night, and its NCAA March Madness (coming soon!) but the real reason 16 is sweet is the cell phone. We have purchased three 16 year old cell phones.

Here comes baby Ike. He is the most darling 13 year old boy. He is also obsessed with getting a cell phone. He is the only 7th grader in Colorado who doesn't have a cell phone.  He claims he needs one in case of an emergency. But he is surrounded by 7th grader (and 6th grader) cell phones, so he can borrow theirs.

Here is something to chew on:

• NPR reported a recent study that show that children under the age of 15 spend an average of 5 hours a day on their cell phones. 
• A Korean study found that teens who used their cell phone 90 times a day (apparently not unusual) scored significantly higher on tests measuring depression and anxiety than students who used their phones a more sedate 70 times daily. 
• 30% of teenage cell phone users have received "sexts" sexually explicit texts. 
• 37% of teens felt they would die, a long and painful death, if they didn't have a cell phone. 
• 39% of teenagers said they lie about where they are and what they are doing when they use the cell phone. 

But these aren't the reasons we wait until 16. It is more a right of passage than an issue of trust or worthiness. Honestly, I'm not ready for him to grow up and a cell phone screams "GROWN UP!" He is the one person in our house who maintains eye contact with me during conversation because he isn't texting. I worry about the girls calling and texting. Currently they are forced to stop by the house to talk to him  (using the parent's phone is unheard of) and I like to meet them and watch the awkward flirting.

We will probably cave and get him a phone before he is 16. That will open a whole new can of worms with the older kids and will kick off years of accusatory exclamations: "We never got to do/have/travel/act/buy/say/watch/listen to that!"

But for now we are holding strong. Just say no.

If I Had A Gun

By Robin

We all want to be that perfect mom. A tireless, tender, peaceful woman who anticipates every need and quietly stands near with a band-aid, comfort food, and concise soft spoken wisdom.

Once, I fell short of that standard. In a fit of anger-fed passion I said something that has come back to haunt me again and again.

In defense, let me explain my situation. It's hard to believe now, but at one point I was more than overwhelmed with my children. It was about five years ago. I had four noisy demanding children, two of which were headstrong teenagers. There was contention, and confusion, and a measure of defiance. I needed a nanny for each child. I needed a housekeeper. I needed a nap. I needed everyone to do what I told them to do. I was a woman pushed to the edge, so really, I can't be held responsible for what I said (yelled).

A certain child had pushed every button and pushed them too hard. I was furious. Fury isn't a normal part of my personality. I'm not a hitter, a screamer, or a yeller. I will cry instead. Occasionally I will cuss a mild PG-13 word under my breath or rattle some pans in the kitchen. I lean towards self pity and defeat rather than fury and anger but at this moment I was furious. In a moment of regrettable insanity I thought I would kill that boy, so, I yelled, "If I had a gun..." I suddenly went into slow motion mode and realized, as the words were coming out of my mouth, that I wouldn't really kill him. But I had committed to "if I had a gun" and I had to finish it. So I said,

"If I had a gun...I would hit you on the head with it!"

There was a moment of shocked silence. The word "gun" was a big deal and I could see momentary fear on his face. Then as the rest of the threat sank in he started to laugh. It was nervous laughter at first and then it quickly became hilarious. I was a frustrated potential murderer, but knowing the value of being able to laugh at myself, I told the kids I was just kidding and tried to play it off as a joke.

It is a joke. The family joke. When someone gets dramatically angry one of the kids will say, "If I had a gun I'd hit you on the head!" Gabe put it on his MySpace page as his quote. It is a phrase that entertains and amuses the kids and reminds us all of my ineptness at making a decent threat.

It will probably end up on a t-shirt one day.

Good Enough

by Emily

This fall I started school again full time, working on my Master's degree in Literature. I'm doing it for the money.

(read: sarcasm)

There is a lot to talk about here--a lot about the change of pace, and the weird feeling of living a double life. Mostly there is a lot to talk about my constant reflection and reevaluating the situation as it affects our family, most especially our children.

In a "letter" to my sisters on our private forum, I wrote the following:

"So, I'm having one of those weeks, day after day, where I keep thinking "Who am I kidding? I thought I could do this?" It is getting ROUGH.


This time of year is always hectic, and with school now--and all the church activities and services, I have a hard time not feeling a bit...resentful? Like, between Monday and Sunday, I don't have a single "free-day" to catch up on all the stuff that has slipped through the cracks--some of it pretty essential stuff. But then I ask: how I would change it? Would I want to be released from Primary (Primary is Sunday School for children ages 3-11), or quit school, or just never be home and always work super hard up on campus away from all distractions? And I realize I wouldn't change any of those things. I like being in the Primary, school has been really good for me, and most of all, my kids are the most important of all these things to me--and I want to be home with them as much as possible."

I have to get used to doing things so that they are "good enough," and that is new and hard for me.

Joe is doing even more household and parenting things than what he's already used to doing (which is to say, he's always been very active in those areas of our family life). Even so, the floor is often icky, and the clean laundry may not get folded before it is worn and needs washing again, and my 2 & 4 yr olds will keep on running in circles, laughing and whining. My hair might stick up kinda funny, and I'll probably choose the comfortable shoes over the cute ones. But let's be honest--was it much different before I started school? It's not as if I was ever a stellar housekeeper. I do make good food though--when I have time.

So here's my pat on my own back: we keep on making time for family dinner even if it is frozen Bertolli meals (I recommend the ones with shrimp). And if you're lucky you'll still be invited over to our house for that dinner, but the house may be less tidy than before, and the dessert might also come from the freezer (ice cream). And the Sunday School lessons will still be just as every bit delivered from the heart, but the handouts might not have pretty ribbon or glitter glue on them. And the homework gets done, and I'm reading faster everyday.

And still the best part of my day isn't nailing that class presentation or paper, but coming home to my family for our daily dinner, pajama, scripture/prayer, and bed routine. That, and stealing one last glimpse and kiss when my babies are fast asleep.

The replies I got from my Bossy Sisters let me know that 1) they believe in me, 2) they love me, 3) they've been there too (haven't we all?), and 4) they are good listeners.

Here is just a snippet:

"Let the little things go. If that doesn't work, let the mid-size things go. :) "
-Bossy Sister Melissa

"You have taken on a serious challenge and you are rising to meet the demands. You can do this! I think you will always be glad you did it."
-Bossy Sister Sally

"I understand completely. It is really hard but you can do hard things. I love you. Hang in there. You are amazing."
-Bossy Sister Robin


And finally, the one that made me laugh the most:

"Well, you took a pretty big bite. I wouldn't be surprised if you have to chew with your mouth open and a few little crumbs fall out."
-Bossy but Wise (and funny) Robin



Is there anything in your life that you're willing to admit to doing just "good enough"? What secret tricks of the trade can you share with me? (I need them!)

Don't Ask Why

by Sally

As a parent, I am frequently frustrated and puzzled when my children make poor choices. Often, the first instinct I have is to ask (in an angry voice, unfortunately) WHY did you do that? But I realized some time ago that WHY is not always the right question.

For example: "Why are you being mean to your sister?"

Do I truly believe that my child will say "well, Mom, it's because I am bored and I need something stimulating, and if I do this to her she will shout and cry, and that will provide me with some entertainment, plus it will get your attention, too". No. That is the reason why, but asking why doesn't help in that situation.



I recently read a parenting article by Pete Wright that included this topic. Here is an excerpt:


Never ask"WHY?"



When the parent asks a child WHY?, the child learns to create good excuses, shifts blame onto others, views himself or herself as a "victim of circumstances" -- and not does not learn to take responsibility for his or her behavior. Talking about WHY the child misbehaved will not teach the child that he has control over himself, his environment and his future. Talking about WHY will not teach the child to take responsibility for his actions. When you ask a child "Why," it's easy to slip in some guilt - "Why did you do this? You upset me so much. You made me feel terrible." Stay away from guilt.


Before my first child was born, I worked in juvenile training schools. I read a book called Reality Therapy by psychologist William Glasser. This book changed the way I dealt with the kids I worked with and it changed how I viewed my job as a parent. Dr. Glasser wrote:


"Eliminate the word 'why' from your vocabulary in dealing with child behavior. So often, children don't know 'why.' They acted because 'I felt like doing it' and they don't really know why. Never ask 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?'"


Have the child explain what he or she did. Have him describe his behaviors, starting at the beginning, through the sobs, the tears, and the temper when sobs and tears don't work. Break the incident down into small steps. Do not focus on "why." As a parent, you want to know why. Don't give into your curiosity.


Go over the incident until it is very clear what happened, when, etc.


Your next question is "What are you going to do about it?" What are you going to do about your misbehavior, or your impulses, or your anger so this does not happen again? The third question is: How can we make sure this will not happen again?What checks and balances will you put in place to ensure that it will not happen again? What punishment should we use now? What should we do if this happens again? Will we have a battle about it? If we do, what additional punishment shall we initiate if we have to fight with you about doing this again, and not following through as you said you would?

When the child misbehaves, you can ask questions - but never ask WHY? Ask these questions instead:
What did you do?
What are you going to do about it?
To ensure that this does not happen again, what should we do now?
If this does happen again, despite your good intentions now, how much more severe shall the punishment be next time?

This was excerpted with permission from http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/ltrs/ltr_to_Bobbie.html

What Happened To Me?

During a closet purge last week I found a journal that I didn't know I kept. It was in a box with purses, shoulder pads, belts, and costume jewelry from 12 years ago. I vaguely recognized it as a book that sat on my bedside table for nearly a decade. It was stained with a water mark from a cup, some dried food and it was dusty. When I opened it I was surprised to find a journal started the year before my oldest child was born and ending right after the birth of my youngest, a nine year time span.

How could I have forgotten a book that I wrote? Shell shock. Motherhood was shocking to me. The physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual, intellectual changes and demands overwhelmed me. Here I am, almost on the other side of motherhood, and I can tell you that there were times that I went to hell and back as a mom. More than once. Real hell. And, before I found that journal the hell was pretty fresh in my mind.

Immediately I stopped what I was doing and sat down and read the entire journal. It isn't very long. I probably only wrote 2-3 times a year and some years I didn't write at all. But what I wrote is amazing. I expressed concern as the dynamics our marriage changed with each new child, career, additional responsibility. I didn't know it then, but those changes were making our marriage fuller, truer, more resilient. I wrote of each child's birth with honest amazement at how beautiful they were and how overwhelming my love for them was. I alluded to the sleepless nights filled with worry about their development and progression. I shared spiritual experiences with clarity and appreciation.

Lists. I made lists. Lists of things I needed to be better at. Nearly every entry mentioned something I could be doing better. Better prayer, more patience, better scripture study, be more loving, less selfish, be healthier, cleaner house, better teacher, more cheerful, more attentive, more, more, better, better. I made lists of things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, things I wanted to learn, if only I had the time.

In spite of the shell shock and extraordinary upheaval of motherhood, I really loved my babies. I was crazy about them. Never have I written as lovely a thing as I wrote in my journal about my children. The words aren't exceptionally impressive, just ordinary words describing the way they played together, the activities of the day, the little events. But as I re-read them over and over I was filled with joy. And peace. I wrote pretty honestly about what I was feeling, so it didn't make me want to go back to that time, but I was impressed at myself.

Each entry ended with a variation of the phrase, I am so tired, I just need to sleep, I can hardly think - need rest, I'll write more tomorrow. The next entry would be a year later.

Roland called while I was reading the journal and I told him how amazing it was. How amazing we were!

Get a journal and write when you can. You will need that journal when you are 44, or 66, or 88 and wondering what happened to you.

I hate you, I love you...

by Emily

First I received this:



Only, instead of a Mary and Joseph, I got 2 Josephs, and no Mary. A different Nativity story I guess?













Then I bought this:



You can "compose" your own classical music with various instruments at various volumes. After one battery change, it just up and quit working. My children are pretty gentle with toys, so I was disappointed.









Then I got this on sale for a Christmas gift:




My 1 yr old loves Elmo. He was frightened at first, but now he LOVES it. However, instead of functioning properly, all this Elmo does is let you "honk" his nose. All the other cool things he's supposed to do, he's not doing.












I love all these toys, my children love them. I hate spending money (or getting as a gift) and having them break/missing parts.

Back to the Nativity: My wise s-i-l Melissa suggested I call Fisher Price about the Nativity. Since then, I have taken the time to call customer service for big label toys like these when they aren't working.

Fisher Price Nativity: they simply sent me an entirely new character set, with Joseph and Mary! No sweat off my back.

Disney Little Einstein Composer: it is out of production, so they sent me a paper voucher ($) for the price of the toy, to be used at a regular store like Target or Toys 'R Us.

Fisher Price Elmo: they emailed me a free shipping label, I will mail them the broken Elmo, and they'll probably fix it or send me another one.

I love getting great toys at garage sales for cheap, when they break you don't mind so much. Out with the old! In with the new (gently used garage sale finds)! And I hate it when I get a new toy (bought or gifted) and it breaks, but I also love knowing that if I throw down $20 bucks on a new toy, there is great customer service to back it up. Of course, you have to take into consideration normal wear-n-tear on a toy. Still, it doesn't hurt to call and ask.

Thank you, Mattel!

Happy Martyr's Day, I mean Mother's Day...

A few years back, I sat listening to a lovely Mother's Day service at church. The songs all heralded the joy and loveliness of motherhood. The speakers all praised their perfect wives, mothers and sisters. It was beautiful.

And I sobbed.

My sweet husband had left early that morning for meetings, with a kiss on my cheek and a tender look that said "sorry!" Then I had spent 2 hours wrestling small children into fluffy dresses, trying to find those matching socks, shoes and hairbows that had been set out Saturday night but walked off before 9 a.m. (does this happen to anyone else?) There had been no time for breakfast in bed, diamonds, or lovely cards. I had been crabby with my children and short tempered.

And so I sobbed. I spent most of church feeling inadequate, unqualified, guilty and annoyed with how Mother's Day was no different from any other "Day of rest" (my eye.)

Then, I snapped out of it. For pete's sake. What was my problem? Pity Parties are so ugly. I decided right then and there that I am the best mom my kids will ever have. I love them heart and soul and I am doing my best. End of story. No more comparisons, no more guilt. I am who I am.

When we got home, I rallied the troops in making a lovely lunch, we invited friends over for dinner so that we could give someone else a break. My kids gave me the cards their Sunday School teachers had helped them make and all was well.

My attitude has greatly changed about Mother's Day. I appreciate my Mothers. I have many and all have blessed and enriched my life. We live away from family, so the actual day of Mother's Day in our house is about me, and I CHOOSE what the day will bring. I'm realistic in my expectations. I don't want diamonds and they aren't coming. Hallmark doesn't dictate how our family enjoys the day.

My idea of showing love is a nice meal. So, I plan good food. I buy what I want and enlist help in putting it together. We enjoy time in the kitchen as a family. I don't expect Dave to read my mind, I tell him what I want and then we are all happy!

This week I took Jane to the store. She insisted on spending all of the money in her bank on a Mother's Day gift for me. The children have all spent countless hours putting together cards, writing a song book for Mothers, drawing pictures... They are so excited. Jane asks me daily how many more days. She says she can't wait to see my reaction to her gift. She also has asked me to help her make muffins for Sunday morning on Saturday, because she knows we always have to rush out the door.... I also heard whisperings about breakfast in bed Saturday (I'll have my favorite bagels in the fridge and granola... They'll be so happy to give me exactly what I would want!)

For me, at this stage, this is what Mother's Day is about. With the help of a sweet husband, I am teaching my children how to show me and their Grandma's and Aunts Love. They are learning how to show someone that you care, how to prepare nice things for them... the best part of Mother's day will be watching the joy my children have found in treating me like their queen.
Please excuse the Valentine collage. This is the only picture of me and my children I have! Job #1 for Sunday morning is a family picture!

Mother's Day Miscellany

by Emily

I've been a mother for a few years now. Nothing compared to my sisters' experience as mothers, and especially nothing compared to my mother and mother-in-law's experience. [I can't imagine what it will be like to be mother to older children, and I DON'T want to imagine it! Wah!] Still, I spend a lot of time thinking about motherhood. What it means to me, how it changes a woman. I read books about it.

I am it, I guess.

This is just to say to my own mother and other mothers out there, I love you. My appreciation and understanding of the magnitude of your sacrifice, love, service and devotion, and priceless worth grows deeper each year.

Some women hate mother's day. I think I can understand the complexities it holds for many of us, mothers or not. I can imagine the many ways it could be a rough day for people with different experiences than mine. It makes me ache for them.

This year I am helping organize a small gift for all the women who go to church on Sunday. It is small. But just planing this makes me excited and gets me thinking about all the women I know and love, and their unique role in my life. I love being a part of this gesture to honor them, mothers or not.

I am looking at mother's day this year as a way to show honor and reverence for the role of mother. I am thankful for a loving God whose plan included mothers. I am thankful for the mother He gave me.

I wait with anticipation for my sister-in-law Erin to become a mother. There is something so special and magical about that first time, the transition into Motherhood. I think Erin may very well be the best mother I'll ever know. First of all (not first in importance though), she is pretty, and beautiful, and cute.

Beautiful, Radiant, Gorgeous. Woman!

[ It is so gratifying to look at your mommy and feel that she is "the most beautiful girl in the whole world". I always felt that way about my own mother, still do.]

Second of all Erin is giving, kind, generous, selfless, nurturing, thoughtful, cheerful, long suffering, fun, loving, beloved, love, love, love ,love, love. She really is all those things. All those loves.

Sometimes she asks me for advice, and that makes me feel good.

I know what I am talking about because I have a wonderful mother.
I love you, Mom. I don't know if I can do it as well as you did it, but I keep trying.

A few questions...

by Kristen



We Bossy sisters have our own little forum just for keeping in touch with each other. We discuss things our Bossy audience may not be interested in, and perhaps might be TMI to share with everyone. A few years ago, one of the Bossy sisters posted these questions to get our feed-back. I was just rereading some of our posts and came across this and thought it would be interesting to get our reader's insights. I have added a few questions as well as the originals.


Please share your thoughts on these issues (or just the ones you want to address):



How do you feel about 2 piece swim suits? Is there an ok age and a not ok age?



What about tank tops or sleeveless dresses?



What about toe rings, anklets, or excessive jewelry?



How old is old enough for ears pierced? (obviously a girl, but you can tell me for a boy too.)



When did you tell your children how babies are born? Did you go into the conception process or just the birth thing?



Is soda ok? Caffeinated?



Rub on tatoos? or is that Rub off tatoos? :)



How old for make-up and shaving legs?



Should you ever interfere with or address your children's music preferences? Why or why not?



How do you address teenage modesty for boys (i.e. 6 inches of underwear showing above the waistline)?



Do you or would you ever read your kid's journal? Why or why not?



Do you cater to picky eaters?



I can't wait to read your comments!

To Vax or not to Vax

By Melissa

Last week, I sat in the pediatrician's office, watching my 3 healthy children play with blocks. I was hemming and hawing about which shots, if any, we should get during this "well child" visit.

My first few children were vaccinated on the recommended schedule. Never any real worries, just sadness over the pain. I'd done a lot of reading and concluded it was right for us. Eve came along with a special set of worries and we did her shots a bit different, making sure she had what was most critical and delaying the ones that might cause problems or we deemed least necessary, but she ended up getting everything over time.

FF to Lily. At 20 something months she had a set of shots. Nothing seemed wrong, no obvious fever, but when she woke from her nap she wouldn't stand, at all. She wouldn't bear any weight on her leg. No walking, no crawling, hardly any moving her leg... I was freaked out! (Of course, it was a Friday afternoon. Why do all things questionable happen on Fridays?) Anyway, we kept a close eye on her. 2 weeks later she was back to walking but still limping and our doctor suggested we not finish up that series.

So here I sit, watching my sweet Henry, who at 18 months has only had a handful of shots (and a minor (major to a mother) reaction with the last set) and I concluded-- no shots today. (again!) We'll start to catch up next time... with this baby, the maternal instinct has been loud and clear-- hold off, go slow! My doctor has been understanding, and even supportive. I love her.

When the doctor came in, she looked over his records. I told her my plan: MMR at 2. I can do that. I'm comfortable with that. She then said, in the way a friend talks to a friend, "Melissa, I admitted a child for Mumps this morning. A child who was out, playing with those same blocks in the waiting room. ---And the next county over has an Measels outbreak! Measels Melissa!"

And I looked at my baby. And I panicked. What is worse, worrying about possible side effects to vaccinations given to millions of kids, or worrying about my son getting a serious illness I could have prevented. I started to sweat.

I suppose this post could be about determining the voice of fear vs trusting your instinct or listening to God Given Promptings... It is about figuring out what is right for your baby. It isn't easy.

We got an email this week about Gardasil, and it made me wonder how I'll handle that one when the time comes. Hopefully, I'll have answers and be able to listen for them.

And, for what it is worth, I'm not providing any support either way. On purpose. After doing hours and hours of research, I have yet to find a good, solid, unbiased source pro-vax or anti-vax. I'd love to hear your take on it, and what helped you decide... however, all the discussions, IRL and online have been heated. Let's be civil. :)

Know My Struggles - Know Me

by Kristen

I remember someone once saying that you don't really know another person until you know what their struggle is. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Well, I won't bother you with all my struggles, not only would you not want to hear them, I don't want to share them all. But I will share one struggle; the one that has probably taught me the most as a parent thus far (of course, I am learning new lessons daily with a 16 year old in the house now).



This is my son, Rocky.

He is an amazing child! He is funny, happy, hard-working, independent, and confident. Now. But he wasn't always. In fact, for most of his younger childhood he was clingy, insecure, and frustratingly moody. I confess that when he was about 3 years old, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I had moments where I truly felt like I hated this child. Pretty strong, huh? Well, that was it, it was a strong and disturbing emotion that was intertwined with a deep, nurturing, and heart-breaking love for this struggling little boy.

He was a child who would stand in line to ride the merry-go-round at the fair for 20 minutes, then cop out at the moment it was time to get on the ride. He was a child who would only wear "lightening" socks from Shopko and they had to "feel" just right. We went almost two years where he wore nothing but blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt (ages 5-6). He was the one who would get ready for school, then just as the bus came around the corner he would get all morose and drag his feet till he missed the bus. In fact, as he got older, he sabotaged all efforts to get him to school, including undressing in the car on the way to school. I remember him saying one day that he wished his school would explode and that he would die and the whole school would just die. He was only in 4th grade.

The winter of 2006 I noticed him washing his hands an extreme amount and his hands were red and bleeding. We had taught him to sing the "ABC" song twice while he lathered his hands, and he was consistently obedient about that.

One morning I just observed his behavior, it went something like this. Woke up, went into bathroom, washed hands ("ABC" thing), went to bathroom, washed hands, got undressed for shower, washed hands, got towel ready on rack, washed hands, took shower, got out and dried off, washed hands, brushed teeth, washed hands, got dressed, washed hands, came downstairs, washed hands, got breakfast cereal, washed hands, ate breakfast, washed hands, etc. You get the drift. I called the school nurse and she referred him to the school counselor. Later that day the counselor called me and said she had visited with him and thought he might be depressed. "WHAT?!" "No", I thought, "he might be compulsive, but not depressed." That night I googled "childhood depression". The page said that if your child displays 3 or more of the 14 characteristics for more than 3 months, they may be depressed. Rocky had 11 symptoms, and had had them for most of his life.

I took him to the doctor. I took him to a child psychologist. We got him on Zoloft. Three months later while at a med check, I told the doctor what an amazingly different child he was! The doctor said, "Let me introduce you to your son." This is who he is, if his brain produced and held on to the correct balance of chemicals for the correct amount of time, this is who my son would be.

Rocky is a joy in my life! I am amazed by him and the things he does now. Bossy sister Robin can attest to the day we went skiing and Rocky got on the chairlift, by himself, and I stood in the lodge and cried. I couldn't believe his growth and independence.

Now our lives are richer, happier. He is confident and outgoing. The winter "blahs" are still very real in our home, but we are better prepared to cope with them.

Here are some of the things we have enjoyed in the past few years:

Lake Powell with friends.

Wake-boarding

Swimming in Florida, with the sharks (no kidding).

Boating and wake-boarding with friends.

Universal studios where Rocky rode "The Mummy" (awesome ride!) and convinced me to ride "The Hulk" with him.

Bridge-jumping at the cabin.

Oh my! That's a long drop!

Riding the ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier.

What I have learned is this, we must keep our minds open to the amazing potential our children have, even when they struggle and seem to be lost causes. Utilize the resources available to us, love them, and embrace every good moment!

Do Something Nice For Your Husband

by Emily

Or, if you don't have a husband, do something nice for someone who plays a major role in your life.

For me, the something nice is sometimes just a cheerful smile and can-do attitude. Sometimes its a house that is quickly picked up and dinner ready to go when he gets home from work, topped off with a cheerful, "Daddy's home! Yay!" (*kissy kissy hug hug squeeze*)


About 4 years ago when I was practicing my new role as a SAHM, I decided that for a week straight I would make a deliberate effort to do 3 things each evening when my husband arrived home from work (school):

1. Have the family room and kitchen picked up (just a quick 10 minute pick-up)
2. Have dinner made, or nearly made, when my husband got home (this was new, prior to this we had both been working hard equally outside the home, so dinner was a coin-toss and usually ended up with each-man-for-himself)
3. When he walked in the door: STOP what I was doing, GIVE him a kiss and a squeeze, LOOK him in the eye, and SAY something heartfelt ("I missed you!" "I'm so glad you're home!" "How has your day been?" "My favorite time of day is when you come home!") and LISTEN to him.

Every misguided feminist part of me resisted doing this--terribly. It was so...so...so Dr. Laura. So subservient-housewifish. I felt like I was too good to be relegated to this kind of servitude.

Luckily for me (and my family) I've learned a lot more about service since that time. What a week of marital bliss! I don't do that every evening anymore, but I am more consistent with dinner, and I understand what a difference those things make. I could go on about how it changed the feeling in our home when I did that experiment, I could go on about the miracle of love and service.

It's a good reminder to myself to recommit to those that I love most in life. I wonder what my next experiment should be? Oh yeah...going to bed at 9pm each night. I'm working on that. It's a good one too.

Have you ever done an experiment like this? What has taken you years to find out about your spouse/roommates/co-workers/parents/etc? I really, truly, sincerely want to know. Please share (you might inspire someone)!

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Most people wouldn't call me a sexpert even though I am very good at sex.

I've talked to my kids about sex. I wanted them to hear it from me before they heard it at school. I want them to look at me as the expert on all things, including sex, so they can ask me the questions that most parents dread hearing. I want them to have their own knowledge, opinion, and information when they are exposed to their classmate's views on sex so that it won't be a big deal. I want them to view sex as a beautiful private gift between husband and wife and empower them to control their bodies and respect their sexual power.

So I try to be pretty open about it. Use the right names for body parts, answer questions about making out, oral sex, masturbation, what ever they need to know, I want them to ask me. Now, don't be thinking that my kids are comfortable bringing this up - they never mention it. We have to start the discussion every time and it isn't easy.

Knowledge is power, baby. But there can be too much of a good thing.



Did you see this Oprah? When the sex therapist suggests introducing something to your 15 year old daughter, she is suggesting giving her a vibrator. Check out the link here.

What they don't show you in this clip is the teenage girl's reaction. She basically said that it wasn't right. Lots of moms said it wasn't right. I agree. Aren't we sexualizing our children enough without focusing on how to teach them to be more sexually active?

I'd love to see a follow up show on how to keep our children innocent and protect them. How to teach our daughter's that they don't need to hurry and grow up and buy into the sexual pressure they are getting from the world, and if Dr. Berman has her way, from their parents!

What bothers me the most about this is the idea that has been pushed for the last 30 years that "kids are going to do it anyway, so let's be as supportive and helpful as we can!". I can feel myself getting pretty worked up about this. So I will turn it over to you. What do you think? Would you buy your 15 year old daughter a vibrator? Why?

Last year, I posted a blog about how to talk to your kids about sex Click Here to read it.

How's that working for you?

by Kristen

I used to watch Dr. Phil and I always loved this question to his guests, "How's that working for you?" I like that question because it brings about a very important point... is what we are doing getting the results we want? It goes along with the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." So true!

When I was studying special education in college a professor was talking about using different types of discipline in the classroom, and whether they produce the desired effect. I loved the analogy he used. He said that if a child is misbehaving in class and you send them out to the hall, is that going to help eliminate the undesirable behavior? Well, it depends on how reinforcing it is out in the hall. If they can peek in other classrooms, goof off, draw, and visit with passers-by, then it probably will only increase the behavior that put them in the hall in the first place... the hall is more fun than the classroom.

In parenting we have to make these judgement calls all the time. Does putting your child in time-out stop the unpleasant behavior, or just temporarily give you a break? Does grounding your teenager due to low grades cause them to work harder to raise their grades, or does it just make them grouchy and unpleasant to be around, giving them the opportunity to stew in teenage angst (which seems to be rewarding to many teenagers). Does yelling, spanking, or ignoring your children's' arguments make them stop or just increase the intensity? Does buying them candy when they whine for it in the store make them more pleasant to shop with or does it simply teach them to whine louder, longer, and more often when they go shopping with you because they know there is a pay-off? (This applies to bedtime postponement behaviors as well).

Along with these tricky questions comes the whole "picking your battles" concept. I am a firm believer in this. NEVER tell your kid if they don't quit arguing you will cancel the birthday party, unless you REALLY WILL cancel the birthday party. That is a huge thing to follow through with. Instead, take a moment and decide what a realistic consequence is that you will actually follow through with.

Just last week I had to make some difficult decisions. I didn't ground my son (for poor grades), because I wasn't willing to put up with the moodiness, but I did threaten to take away his guitar (which induced a lesser degree of moodiness and a firm motivation to raise his grades), and I told him if he wasn't up in time for the bus, he would have to walk the 4 miles to school, because I would no longer bail him out. And I meant it. And he knew it. He started doing his homework and getting up on time. It comes down to yet another cliche "If you're going to talk the talk... you better be willing to walk the walk." It was a risk...if he didn't raise his grades, I would have to take his best friend away (guitar = best friend), if he didn't get up in time, I had to be willing to let him get a truancy for his 6th tardy because he had to walk to school. I almost didn't threaten that one, because... well, a truancy! But then again, he wasn't learning anything by sleeping in - maybe the truancy would teach him something more important.

What important lessons have you learned in your interactions with others, and yourself for that matter?

Art work by Norman Rockwell and Bill Watterson

The Story of Ferdinand

by Emily
We love The Story of Ferdinand, written in the 1930's by Munro Leaf & illustrated by Robert Lawson. The story is beautiful, the pen and ink illustrations are those of which you fall in love. Ferdinand's eyes, his mother's expressions, his surprise at a bee's sting--Lawson nails every detail, nuanced expression, and landscape.

(If you have been to Ronda, Spain, or Andalucia, you will recognize how accurate these illustrations are!)

This is a book I don't mind reading to my children again and again.

My husband loved the book as a child (a gift from a radical auntie), calling it "Ferdinand Ze Bull!" I didn't read The Story of Ferdinand until I was married to him, in my late-twenties-- his copy all tattered, masking tape on the binding so old it was crusted over, hardened, and torn. The pages completely loose.

We finally bought a replacement copy for our own children--but the original cannot be thrown out. I think we'll frame a few favorite illustrations.

I love the affirmation of the story: that just because you're a powerful, strong, and fierce bull, doesn't mean that you have to fight. More than that, though, I love the message of a mother who loves her child (minor theme). And I love the message of an individual being true to herself despite what others expect of her (in this case a "he", but it crosses gender lines easily enough).

I like to not overthink it too much, in fact, reading about all the politics that have been forced onto this story as an allegory (it lends itself easily to that) sort of turns me off.

Mostly I think it appeals to me because I've never been much of a "traditionally competitive" personality. It's not in my nature to be competitive to the point of it costing those with whom I'm competing. Plus, being a loser just feels awful--and instead of that motivating me to want to be The Winner, it made me not want to compete. Hurt feelings and all that...I'm uncomfortable with winners and losers, I tend towards wanting everyone to be happy and peaceable. So my inner child loves this story, and so does my mothering-self.










Who knew it was such a radical book? Check out rocker Elliot Smith's (RIP) Ferdinand tat on his bicep. ---> If you're going to have a tat, that is a totally cool one.

Also, Fall Out Boy (an alt-rock band) titled an album From Under the Cork Tree, an obvious reference to the book.

The Real Story of Ferdinand (the "real wiki story") can be found here.






(To Robin & my Mom: Ferdinand reminds me a bit of you, as he just loves to sit and smell the flowers)

Teach Your Children to Play by Themselves

by Emily

(Happy St. Patrick's Day! click here!)

When Sally had her first baby, we were lucky enough to live within an hour drive of each other. Because I was fairly newlywed and we were childless, I paid keen attention to this transition in Sally's life.

Which easily takes me on a tangent: being the youngest of 5 is awesome because you really do get so much out of watching your siblings go before you. In my case, I had the best examples. I have especially been watching Sally my whole life, as we are closest in age, and this "watching" has been done both inadvertently and intentionally.

Back to the point: I babysat my sweet nephew every chance I could get. I loved it. This was nothing new, I've been an aunt since I was 9, and I can remember each and every one of my nieces' and nephews' births and the magnitude of the occasion, how I felt my life touched and affected by each one individually.


But this was different, because all of a sudden, this time, it could be me.


Fast forward years later, and it is me.


So here is an important lesson I learned from Sally: Teach your children to play by themselves.

Oh, yes! It can be done! How, you ask? Prove it, you say in disbelief. I have a few short suggestions, and they may not jive with your parenting style, but it has worked for me, and I'm pretty sure it's worked for Sally.

1) Get DVR. Teach your child how to use the remote control.

2) Make snacks (fruit gummies, goldfish crackers, juice boxes) readily available, within your child's reach--you know, so they can help themselves.

3) Invest in a large library of VHS video tapes (because they're less easily ruined than DVDs) and teach your child how to use the VHS player.

4) Put all toys, markers, crayons, playdoh, etc. within arms reach for your child and let them have free reign.

5) Make sure your bathroom door has a lock on it, or maybe your bedroom door. This is so you can lock yourself in, and your children out, when the chaos hits the fan. You might consider some emergency rations in this room (chocolate, Dr. Pepper, a cordless phone, and some magazines...maybe a laptop with wireless internet).



HA! JUST KIDDING!


You didn't think I was serious, did you? Sally, did you really think I was going to soil your name on the World Wide Web like this? ;-)

No, the truth is, and we learn this again and again: an ounce of prevention is worth a stitch in time. No, wait. A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure? Hold on...that's not quite right...

Aphorisms are repeated again and again because of one thing: they teach a simple truth that we tend to need to learn over and over.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

A little effort upfront will save you a lot of effort and frustration down the road--and isn't this true to just about everything in life, including all aspects of parenting?

One of the first things I did (and I got this wisdom from Sally, not that garbage above), is that when my sweet little newborn awakens in the morning, or after a nap, and said baby is happily playing or cooing in the crib...as much as I may want to go in and scoop babyliciousness up in my arms, I let that baby play. He is happy. Alone. By himself. Playing. Entertaining himself. Not demanding anything.

THIS IS A SKILL that must be learned. Start early.

Another tip: ROUTINES (I totally struggle with this).

I wish my "routine" were a little more routine, like this:

Wake up (get myself dressed and fed, before kids wake up)
Kids dressed
Breakfast

Alone play time (sometimes I put on some child-friendly music to help, sometimes I deliberately get the kids "set-up" with an activity and then leave them alone to continue)

Snack
Walk? Library? Playgroup? (usually just more playtime)

Lunch
Naps

Wake-up snack
My oldest child has been doing "Preschool Pages" (from a workbook) after "nap" time, I direct her to get her started, then she does it ALONE

Playtime (by this point in the day I need to stop what I'm doing and spend some good playtime with my kids--reading books, or playing on the floor, going outside)

(maybe a nice, single video while I get dinner ready)

Dinner
PJs
Family Scripture Study
Family Prayer
Book
BEDTIME @ 7:00pm!

Celebration because kids are in bed!
Do something enjoyable
Go to bed early

(This is what I strive for, not what I actually do...)
I'm also a strong believer in organization of toys. If you have known me from my childhood, this will make you laugh because I always had the messiest room (please, let's not hog up the comments section with "hilarious" anecdotes of how messy my room was, okay? That's just so... unoriginal...;-))

Though I believe in ORGANIZATION, I don't really know how to do it. So don't ask me how.

Messy toys DO NOT GET PLAYED WITH. Which then results in bored children, which then results in parents being constantly nagged by kids who can't seem to play by themselves.

Finally, one last tip. I just refuse to let my life be dictated by a 3 year old. Ha! How rediculous of a statement is that? Let's be honest, who is in control here, me or she? I'm laughing because the truth is, I love her, and I pay sincere attention to her needs. It is "She" who must be obeyed. So let's have a sense of humor about this. Sometimes though, if she is bored, that is just her problem, and she needs the opportunity to figure it out.

How I respond to these repeated pleas of attention due to boredom differs day to day. Sometimes I just ignore her--I'll tell her, "I'm sorry, but you have to decide by yourself what to do right now. Right now it is Mommy's turn to do some work alone, and it is (child's name here)'s turn to play or work by yourself. You're in charge of finding something to do," and then I turn my back (turn on my mommy-sonar listening ears) and pretend to not notice her display of displeasure.

Sometimes I give in, and all it takes is 10 minutes of undivided attention and love to fill her emotional bucket, and then she's good, and I'm good, and it turned out to be the best 10 minutes of my day (her day too).

And then sometimes...I put a video in, and turn off the guilt switch.

We have to be kind to our kids, we have to try to teach them (give them the opportunity to learn this skill, even if you feel like your being a mean mommy by doing it) to play by themselves. But do it deliberately. And don't be so hard on yourself. And try to laugh. And...and...and...

I feel like these things have really helped. I am always looking for new tricks of the trade, so PLEASE share any wisdom and suggestions--or maybe just humor--we can all use a good laugh ;-)

Keeping Our Kids Safe

by Kristen

Several years ago I woke up at about 6:00 in the morning to a little boy tapping me and saying, "Mom, can I talk to you?" He was eleven at the time and knew better than to wake mom for just a friendly chat, yet that seemed to be what he was doing. I mumbled something about talking later, to which he paused, then said, "I just wanted to talk to you about something I saw on the computer."

The response in my body and mind was something akin to what I'm sure cavemen felt when on a relaxed stroll they turned a corner and came directly face to face with a hissing and ready to spring velociraptor (which if you saw Jurassic Park you know is much more dangerous than a T. Rex). I instantly sat up and said, "sure, sure we can talk now. Just let me get my bathrobe and we'll snuggle on the couch and talk". (or something like that).

As we snuggled, he proceded to tell me how he was playing a game online and he clicked on a advertisment which he thought was for a different game and it took him to a pornographic website. Being pro-active parents, we had already talked about such a possibility with our kids and explained what pornography was. As he went on to tell me what he had seen and how it made him feel both curious and upset. As he dissolved into tears of shame and guilt I put my arms around him and tried to comfort him.

The reason I share this story is because it happens every day. Maybe it's happened to your kids, maybe you know about it, maybe not. We had a filter on the computer, I think at that time we were using Net Nanny or maybe Cyber Sitter. Either way, it didn't prevent my 11 year old from viewing some very disturbing images. I wonder what else it didn't prevent.

When I was a young married woman, I worried that my kids would experiment with drinking, smoking, pot, or even sex. But I never worried that they might become addicted to pornography. I never worried that a pedophile would search them out online. I never worried about their physical safety being jeapordized because of the computer. At that time, the World Wide Web wasn't yet a reality, and when it became so...well, it was this thing, out there, not here, not in my office, my house, my daily life.

But now it is a part of so much of my life. I spend hours a day on the internet; working, recreating, reading, searching, learning, educating my son, and socializing. And my kids could potentially do likewise. And now, I know that those fears about their safety and possible addictions are all too real.

How do we protect our kids?

There are so many steps. It starts with lots of conversations about what is or is not okay to share on the internet. My kids have been told they can't tell their last names, the city they live in, the state they live in, their ages, the name of their schools, their school mascots, their sports team names, the places where their parents work, their address or phone or email, their friends' names or information, or any other possibly identifying information. And they've been told this applies both at our house and anyone else's house.

Along with this is the warning to us, as parents, to be aware what we are putting out there for people to find out about our kids. If you blog about your kids, you may be giving quite a bit of information to people you don't know. Recently we discussed this as siblings and the caution we need to take not only for our own kids, but not to be posting pictures of other people's kids without their permission. Just something to be aware of.

While they were young (under the age of 12) they didn't have access to any thing except educational sites or some games. As we found out, the games were not safe either. So from that point on we made even more rules.

The computer is in a public place. In fact, we have a ridiculous room in our house with surround sound (so to speak) desks and a computer in each corner (one for each family member). This is ridiculous. I know. The only reason for this is because part of my DH's job is testing computers and so he is always bringing them home to test. My computer is the only one we actually own. the others are constantly being replaced and upgraded. I refuse to allow that to happen to mine more than once every 2-3 years.

Also, we have filters on all our computers. There are a lot of good ones out there. Some are free, some cost. Do your research. PC Magazine does a good review of the filters and their strengths and weaknesses as well as neat features such as running it in stealth mode, so the person on the computer doesn't know there is a filter. They just keep getting a "This website is not responding" type message. You can also get web search logs and activity logs sent to your email, or set times the computer is "open" for different users.

We don't use those features. This is the most effective feature we have: My DH and I are the only one's with the computer password, so if the boys want on, we log them on, and only if we are willing to stay in the room with them (and we make them turn around while we type in the password). We also have a screen saver set for 10 minutes and a required password to get back on. If we leave, they have to log off. Yes. I know, what a pain in the butt! It is! It is frustrating and annoying and sometimes seems ridiculous. But it works. And we don't have so many of the worries that other people have. At first there was some moaning and complaining (and not just from the kids), but now, it is just the way it is, and no one argues or whines. It just is.

A big bonus to this is, my kids RARELY waste time on the internet (instead they waste time playing Rocky Band and the very wholesome game of Halo). Ug.

And lastly, we talk about it. We talk about the dangers and the blessings of the internet. We try to instill in them good values and a strong moral ethic. We encourage them to be strong and take a stand against such evils, whether at home or at a friend's house. Because not every home has the same rules. We try to make our home the place where the friends want to hang out, and that helps a lot too.

What have you found that works? What are your experiences? If you haven't begun to protect against these issues, I urge you not to wait till something happens. Start now.

The Numbing

by Emily

Exhibit A: The Numbing

Dilbert

Joe clipped this cartoon from the local paper's funnies over 5 years ago. It still comes to mind at random times in life. Recently I thought of it in humorous terms as a SAHM. I think it translates pretty well, don't you?


Exhibit B: The Smothering

The Sword in the Stone

"Um, Merlin? How will we get by?" and then to the girl squirrel, "Go on! Go on! You've got lots of room!"

Those squirrels are so darn cute! This cartoon makes me laugh out loud. I love the choreography of the tails, the absolute certainty of the girl squirrel--absolutely certain that the boy squirrel is just as in love with her and she is with him.

It reminds me of my children and captures so well how I often feel. They're SO cute, and sometimes I think I'm about to go CRAZY CAKES on them if they do not "go on! go on!" or "leave me alone" or "go away" or realize that there is "lots of room" for all of us. Just like the Wart (future King Arthur) is trying to figure out how to "get by" the squirrel, I sometimes feel like I spend my entire day trying to "get by" my kids--there is so much to do! It is all so important (you know) like dishes, laundry, meal prep, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!

There is a story my Bossy sister Robin tells that I love. It goes something like this: while watching old family videos and nearly weeping at the cuteness and littleness of her children, she hears a horrible, horrible thing in the background. Here are these adorable squeaky voices of Hannah, Gabe, and Noah in all their smallness and sweetness. And there it is again--the horrible thing in the background. It is mom. Mom's exasperated, annoyed, I'm-about-to-go-CRAZY-CAKES-on-you-all-if-you-don't-knock-it-off-right-now voice.

Only, in Robin's telling of the story it is much funnier, and she'll say something about how surely that wasn't her in the background behind the scenes! That must have been some other wicked-step-mother. She felt nothing but love and never-ending-patience for her children. All the time. Every minute. Every day.

Exhibit C: The Moment

I know that the dishes and the laundry and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning can wait. I know that. But I don't always feel that. Bossy sister Melissa has a quote on her blog that I love, that I will steal and share (I think I need to laminate it and tape it to my forehead):

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” Anna Quindlen

So here's to the Numbing, the Smothering, and the Moment: Love is a Powerful Thing. At least that's what Merlin says to future King Arthur after their adventure as squirrels. I believe it, and I'll try not to forget it.