As a parent, I am frequently frustrated and puzzled when my children make poor choices. Often, the first instinct I have is to ask (in an angry voice, unfortunately) WHY did you do that? But I realized some time ago that WHY is not always the right question.
For example: "Why are you being mean to your sister?"
Do I truly believe that my child will say "well, Mom, it's because I am bored and I need something stimulating, and if I do this to her she will shout and cry, and that will provide me with some entertainment, plus it will get your attention, too". No. That is the reason why, but asking why doesn't help in that situation.
I recently read a parenting article by Pete Wright that included this topic. Here is an excerpt:
Never ask"WHY?"
When the parent asks a child WHY?, the child learns to create good excuses, shifts blame onto others, views himself or herself as a "victim of circumstances" -- and not does not learn to take responsibility for his or her behavior. Talking about WHY the child misbehaved will not teach the child that he has control over himself, his environment and his future. Talking about WHY will not teach the child to take responsibility for his actions. When you ask a child "Why," it's easy to slip in some guilt - "Why did you do this? You upset me so much. You made me feel terrible." Stay away from guilt.
Before my first child was born, I worked in juvenile training schools. I read a book called Reality Therapy by psychologist William Glasser. This book changed the way I dealt with the kids I worked with and it changed how I viewed my job as a parent. Dr. Glasser wrote:
"Eliminate the word 'why' from your vocabulary in dealing with child behavior. So often, children don't know 'why.' They acted because 'I felt like doing it' and they don't really know why. Never ask 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?'"
Have the child explain what he or she did. Have him describe his behaviors, starting at the beginning, through the sobs, the tears, and the temper when sobs and tears don't work. Break the incident down into small steps. Do not focus on "why." As a parent, you want to know why. Don't give into your curiosity.
Go over the incident until it is very clear what happened, when, etc.
Your next question is "What are you going to do about it?" What are you going to do about your misbehavior, or your impulses, or your anger so this does not happen again? The third question is: How can we make sure this will not happen again?What checks and balances will you put in place to ensure that it will not happen again? What punishment should we use now? What should we do if this happens again? Will we have a battle about it? If we do, what additional punishment shall we initiate if we have to fight with you about doing this again, and not following through as you said you would?
When the child misbehaves, you can ask questions - but never ask WHY? Ask these questions instead:
What did you do?
What are you going to do about it?
To ensure that this does not happen again, what should we do now?
If this does happen again, despite your good intentions now, how much more severe shall the punishment be next time?
This was excerpted with permission from http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/ltrs/ltr_to_Bobbie.html
14 comments:
Amen bossy sista. I learned this in a parenting class. The exercise was called peeling back the onion. Esspecially beneficial when two kids are involved in a dispute. You ask,What happened first? Then you or kid draws a target with each action listed. It diffuses the situation and gives each kid a chance to tell their side. Then you can discuss strategies to assure this situation does not occur again. My favorite strategy to suggest...walk away. I had forgotten about this but I remember now that it worked well. I hate the blame game. It is a giant waste of time.
I am glad you posted this, and it applies regardless of your child's age.
I am also glad you posted it at 8:32pm, because I don't have my post ready for Wednesday, and this post deserves more than just a few hours. So, as my oh-so-generous personality dictates, I am giving you my blog day in addition to your own. I will then steal whoever's day it is to blog on Thursday.
:) Thank you for the reprieve!
Very interesting.
Is it normal to feel like the world's worst parent when you read about how you SHOULD be doing things?
Last week Michael skipped band and went out for an extended recess instead. This was the last practice before his one and only concert this year. I was M.A.D. He is smart and responsible and I was shocked that he would do this. I did ask why and got a truthful answer: He wanted to hunt for frogs in the field with his friends and he had memorized the music and didn't think he needed to practice. It was a good chance to talk about things. He wrote an apology to the band teacher, life went on. The WHY in this case was really important to me, I needed to know if he hated band, if something was uncomfortable or bad happening, if he had a girlfriend he was going out to meet ;) ... Is the why question always banned? I hope not. I can see what this article is saying, but I also think that you need to understand why things happen sometimes...
I have a lot to learn. I know I am way to emotional
Oh my head hurts... that's just too much to ponder... I'll just continue to ask why. Works for me. LOL
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
I wanted to add that understanding Why something happens sometimes softens my heart towards that child "because I was really hungry!" "because I didn't want to miss out on time with the family while I cleaned my room" "because you don't listen to me unless I yell..." It doesn't take away the discipline, but it sometimes understanding the motivation gives perspective.
For the sake of my children's reputations I won't share with you all the the times I have asked "What" instead of "Why" this week.
What? Dammit! WHAT!?!
This was a good article, and I agree with it wholeheartedly, and hadn't even thought about Melissa's example, which I also agree with wholeheartedly. I guess the real effort comes in trying to figure out (on a split second notice) if this is a time to ask why? or what?
Alcohol breath? Not why. Duh. Of course you know why...or at least can figure out many reasons why. What?
Skipping band. Why?
Telling a lie? Depends, but often: Why? You might discover something you didn't realize was underlying the need to lie.
Hitting your little baby brother on the head repeatedly? What? (not why)
Taking candy without asking? What? (not why).
I'd forgotten about this thanks!
I suppose it's good I married Melissa because independently we both seem to feel differently than everyone else on this issue. Not everything "experts" say makes sense regardless who said it and imho Peter Wright was Peter Wrong on his "never ask why" opinion. (the rest was good advice though and is what we do).
I remember vividly at the age of 8 being very upset because my parents wouldn't ask why (I don't remember over what, but that isn't important). I wanted them to ask "why", not because I wanted to lie, but because they had it wrong and they didn't seem to care about the truth. I made a promise to myself then and there that as an adult I would never make an assumption about "why" my child did anything. I remember very specifically that they thought I did something because I wanted attention, when in fact that was NOT the reason I did it and it frustrated me to no end that they didn't care to find out the real reason.
Kids care about what you think. If you don't broach the subject they'll often assume otherwise that you either don't like them, think they're stupid, or think they're just bad - and assume that identity for themselves. They need validation, and if they think their reasoning is other than what you think it is - TALK ABOUT IT - don't avoid it. They NEED you to ask them why and not assume that it's because they want attention or are just "acting out".
You don't always know what they're thinking. You think you do, but you don't until you get to the heart of the matter and that involves asking why. How else do you know whether what's going through their mind is "I did that because I'm bad"?
Don't you think you should find out if that's what they're thinking? We have, and a certain child of ours does tend to think that she does bad things because she's bad, and used to say that when we'd ask her "Why". Now that child has more self-esteem than otherwise possible because we could then address the issue.
"Why" isn't a dirty word, but parents make it seem that way .. like when they ignore the child or get angry when the kid is the "constant why" phase (usually just a cry for attention). But even today often I'm afraid to ask "why" in a professional setting. Where did I learn that fear of the word "why"? I'm not shy ... but somewhere along the way I learned that "why" is one question that should be avoided. That adversely affects my interactions as an adult and it could your child as well.
And don't kid yourself ... eventually somebody's going to ask your child "why", and do you honestly think they'll never think to lie because their mom never asked "why" when they were a child? If so, then you don't give your kids enough credit. Peter Wright doesn't give your kid enough credit. Your kids are smarter than that and will learn to lie no matter how badly you manipulate your communication. You might just as well try to keep them from growing by keeping them in their baby clothes.
Instead kids should get the opportunity to create excuses, shift blame, or play the martyr as soon as possible so that you can help correct the behavior, and get them in the habit of correcting their own behavior. Accepting responsibility is one lesson that can not be avoided by mangling communication. It must be experienced and dealt with. Example: "Why did you hit John?" "Because he hit me!" There now they've got it off their chest. Acknowledge it and they'll be more receptive to what you have to say. You also now have a segway to discuss how their reasoning can be improved. Try doing all that without asking "Why".
Yes, it takes more work, and can be frustrating, but it's also more natural, your kid's will appreciate your interest, and it's worth it on so many other levels. We ask "why", and our kids are learning to be truthful (as in Melissa's example above), because they're learning by experience - something you can't get by word-avoidance techniques.
Great points, David!
I think I agree, David. But I think I'm looking at it from a slightly different angle.
I think that it depends on the kids and the situation, and the habits of the family. Kids' personalities vary, and for those who tend towards more physical play which disintegrates into hitting and kicking and shoving, and I mean FREQUENTLY, probably the "Why" question holds no meaning for them, and ends up escaping the parents lips in a frustrated, accusatory tone.
Maybe "What happened?" is a better question in this case. Then, postponing the "Why" question until a later time when things are more calm, as a chance to listen to your child and talk, would probably be the most effective.
But if the parent is stuck in the rut of asking "Why?!! Why do you keep hitting your little brother over and over and over? Don't you know that hurts?" then the parent needs to just cease. Stop. It is a totally unproductive question when asked in that way.
That's what I was thinking of when I read this article.
Sometimes the "What happened?" question will lead to the same sort of communication that I think you're talking about.
Is the emphasis on certain words important? I need to know. Next time Alan comes home with a truckload of "valuable" equipment, which looks like junk to me, I'm going to say, "Darling, what did you do?" Should the emphasis be on "what," "did'" or "do,?" Perhaps it should be on "darling?" And should I whisper or shout?
Once one of my perfect children finger painted in the icing on a cake I was about to serve to 14 guests. Not a little snitch, we are talking wrote their name, doodled, every inch of the cake.
There was no why. They had no idea why they did it! I think it shocked them as well as me. The devil possessed them. ;)
Real story:
"Mitch (12 years old) ...WHY did you carve your name into the table in the living room?"
"I didn't".
"You didn't?"
"No, I didn't."
"But there's your name and that's your handwriting."
"Oh."
"So Mitch, WHY did you carve your name in the table in the living room?"
"I didn't."
"Oh. Well then, do you have any idea who might have carved YOUR name in YOUR handwriting in the table in the living room?"
"Ghosts."
Another question you don't ask...
"How many times do I have to tell you.....?"
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