My new favorite mom thing, and a free gift for you!

by Emily

It's the end of the day, my kids are pajama'd, and we're snuggling up on the couch for some reading time together. Often the day was long and chaotic (my husband and I are both in graduate school full-time and teaching), and its the first chance we've had to really connect with our kids. Days like that are tough on everyone. Our bedtime reading has become a sacred family ritual, and we all look forward to it.

When I think about being far away from our parents, and our children's grandparents, I feel sad that they don't get to enjoy our children in this same way--all snuggled up with a good book.

Enter:




I have been wanting to share this with all my mother friends! I finally got "permission" to do it from my brother in law, who is involved with the development of this cool product. It is called Readeo--as in the combination of the words read+video=Readeo.

Let me explain: have you ever used Skype? Or any other online video-chat program? Do you have children or grandchildren you do this with?

We have 2 children, and they miss their grandparents and so we have tried Skype as a way to have more meaningful contact with grandparents. It is nice, but Readeo is much more satisfying. It is like Skype, only with really great children's books, smooth video streaming, and bright, clear pictures.





I think my 2 year old, Joey, loves it most. This afternoon when I was talking to grandma on the phone, Joey was pulling on my leg, "Mommy? Mommy? Iwah book wih gamma! Now! Mommy?"

40 minutes later: the dishwasher is loaded, dinner is on the table, and Ruby (4) and Joey (2) have read 6 books with Grandma & Grandpa, as well as having showed them their tiger puppets they made at a Chinese New Year party, among other glorious tricks via Readeo's BookChat.

To get the full effect, check out this video on their home page: http://www.readeo.com/

The Story Behind Readeo from Readeo on Vimeo.

A few more things I like about Readeo:

• Face-to-face story time from anywhere in the world
• Award-winning and popular titles hand-picked for the site by Readeo’s editor (she's an expert in children's literature, IMO)
• Personalized “bookshelves” (I love this feature, and I gave some feedback to my brother in law, and now the bookshelves are awesome!)
• A library that is searchable by age, gender and subject matter
• A Book of the Month that is free to read for all users (even if you're not a paying subscriber!)



I hope you'll try it out, it is such a cool thing to do with your kids and grandparents, or a spouse who travels, or aunts & uncles, etc.

Here is the gift: a free month trial! You will need to sign up for a subscription to do so, but if you decide its not for you, you can cancel at any time, and you won't be billed until after the free month is over.

Coupon code: "readeolaunch"

I think you will LOVE it!

This might be a great gift for a grandparent who already has everything imaginable. Also, both users on each computer do NOT need to be a paying subscriber to use Readeo--only one user needs a subscription. The other user is a guest, and can BookChat anytime with the paying subscriber--so this is a great gift for the grandparent who has grandchildren in multiple locations.

Idaho Statesman Obituary

by Emily

My siblings (mostly Robin) with the help of my mom, wrote this lovely obituary of our father. My mother and father were married for 34 years, which the obituary does not specify.

Obituary for David Wright Austin, in the Boise Idaho Statesman newspaper.

Be ready for less funeral, and more fun, shortly to come! We can't stay sad every minute of the day, though we will all have our moments.

Love to you all, love to Dad.

xo

In Memory of our Dad

by Emily

Today we are celebrating the life of our father, David Wright Austin. He passed away last week on Thanksgiving morning. He used to always joke with me that it was Thanksgiving everyday for him because (due to food allergies) he often ate turkey and sweet potatoes. One of the things I like to remember about my dad was his sense of humor, like that recurring Thanksgiving joke.

We loved our Dad, and we will miss him. Here is a video to honor him, we hope you'll join us for a moment and enjoy the video. You can also read beautiful posts by Kristen, Robin (here and here), and Melissa, on their personal blogs.

A slideshow presentation in memory of my father.



David Wright Austin

May 27, 1938 - November 26, 2009

Good Enough

by Emily

This fall I started school again full time, working on my Master's degree in Literature. I'm doing it for the money.

(read: sarcasm)

There is a lot to talk about here--a lot about the change of pace, and the weird feeling of living a double life. Mostly there is a lot to talk about my constant reflection and reevaluating the situation as it affects our family, most especially our children.

In a "letter" to my sisters on our private forum, I wrote the following:

"So, I'm having one of those weeks, day after day, where I keep thinking "Who am I kidding? I thought I could do this?" It is getting ROUGH.


This time of year is always hectic, and with school now--and all the church activities and services, I have a hard time not feeling a bit...resentful? Like, between Monday and Sunday, I don't have a single "free-day" to catch up on all the stuff that has slipped through the cracks--some of it pretty essential stuff. But then I ask: how I would change it? Would I want to be released from Primary (Primary is Sunday School for children ages 3-11), or quit school, or just never be home and always work super hard up on campus away from all distractions? And I realize I wouldn't change any of those things. I like being in the Primary, school has been really good for me, and most of all, my kids are the most important of all these things to me--and I want to be home with them as much as possible."

I have to get used to doing things so that they are "good enough," and that is new and hard for me.

Joe is doing even more household and parenting things than what he's already used to doing (which is to say, he's always been very active in those areas of our family life). Even so, the floor is often icky, and the clean laundry may not get folded before it is worn and needs washing again, and my 2 & 4 yr olds will keep on running in circles, laughing and whining. My hair might stick up kinda funny, and I'll probably choose the comfortable shoes over the cute ones. But let's be honest--was it much different before I started school? It's not as if I was ever a stellar housekeeper. I do make good food though--when I have time.

So here's my pat on my own back: we keep on making time for family dinner even if it is frozen Bertolli meals (I recommend the ones with shrimp). And if you're lucky you'll still be invited over to our house for that dinner, but the house may be less tidy than before, and the dessert might also come from the freezer (ice cream). And the Sunday School lessons will still be just as every bit delivered from the heart, but the handouts might not have pretty ribbon or glitter glue on them. And the homework gets done, and I'm reading faster everyday.

And still the best part of my day isn't nailing that class presentation or paper, but coming home to my family for our daily dinner, pajama, scripture/prayer, and bed routine. That, and stealing one last glimpse and kiss when my babies are fast asleep.

The replies I got from my Bossy Sisters let me know that 1) they believe in me, 2) they love me, 3) they've been there too (haven't we all?), and 4) they are good listeners.

Here is just a snippet:

"Let the little things go. If that doesn't work, let the mid-size things go. :) "
-Bossy Sister Melissa

"You have taken on a serious challenge and you are rising to meet the demands. You can do this! I think you will always be glad you did it."
-Bossy Sister Sally

"I understand completely. It is really hard but you can do hard things. I love you. Hang in there. You are amazing."
-Bossy Sister Robin


And finally, the one that made me laugh the most:

"Well, you took a pretty big bite. I wouldn't be surprised if you have to chew with your mouth open and a few little crumbs fall out."
-Bossy but Wise (and funny) Robin



Is there anything in your life that you're willing to admit to doing just "good enough"? What secret tricks of the trade can you share with me? (I need them!)

The "BOSSY" sisters only have one BROTHER...

...and today is his BIRTHDAY!

Find out just a few reasons why we love David here, here and here.

Happy Birthday David!

You look so handsome in these photos, I just had to share them with the world. Heh, heh. We love you and wish we could all be celebrating with you today!

(David has always had to share his birthday on the 4th of July and endure flag themed birthday cakes. And fireworks.)

Happy Father's Day!

by Emily

Dedicated to Dads: we love you and appreciate you. Maybe your story isn't like this, but you're needed in your own unique way. Here's to you, the way you continue to give and love year after year. We love you.

by Kristen

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all the world is green?

Do you get up early, and work like a bee, and post on the blog, Bossy!?

Is that what you do? Neither do we!

All kidding aside, if Hallmark is right, and it is the thought that counts, we are golden here! But, if it is action that matters... well, we are falling short.

As Bossy! sisters, we have been talking about how often to post in the summer time, because the rest of the song is a lot more accurate. We are busy swimming in pools, swinging on swings, drinking lemonades, and watching clouds drift by. And we think that's what you ought to do too.

So take some time off the computer and enjoy summer. We will be blogging, probably once a week, but we are still working out the details, so don't forget us. In the meantime, sing this little song to yourself or with your kids while you enjoy a nice summer day!

"Oh, What Do You Do in the Summertime?" from the Children's Primary Songbook

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all the world is green?

Do you fish in a stream, or lazily dream on the banks as the clouds go by?

Is that what you do? So do I!

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all the world is green?

Do you swim in a pool, to keep yourself cool or swing in a tree up high?

Is that what you do? So do I!

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all the world is green?

Do you march in parades, or drink lemonades or count all the stars in the sky?

Is that what you do? So do I!

Good for a laugh

by Sally

It's okay to laugh, because they sent the picture in themselves.

Awkward Family Photos

Enjoy. Here are some favorites:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=26

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=1035

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/?p=960

Some Kinda Famous Marinade

by Emily

My father-in-law is pretty cool. As far as I'm concerned, he makes the best marinade I've ever had--especially when used on tri-tip steaks. YUM!
(Tri-tip is bigger than a personal sized steak, and you usually slice it against the grain to serve--so a single tri-tip can often serve a few people).

And lucky you, I'm going to share it. Tuck it away for a Father's Day meal this June!

It really is "Some Kinda Famous Marinade".

Makes: 3 to 4 Cups of marinade


Ingredients:
2 C Kikoman soy sauce
1 1/2 C white sugar
2 T minced or crushed ginger (I use the kind in a squeeze tube)
2 T minced or crushed garlic (I use fresh)
2 or 3 green onions chopped into 1 inch pieces
4 ounces beer (to be simmered--alcohol evaporates)
(since I'm a non-drinker, and I'm also a non-planner, I don't usually have beer on hand when I make this recipe--unless I've planned in advance, which we've already been through--I don't plan in advance. I'm not opposed to it (planning or cooking with beer? Ha!), I just don't have it. So I've come up with my own alternative--I take a little yeast, add it to warm water and a Tablespoon of sugar, and then use 4 ounces of that instead...it adds a similar flavor and tenderizing element to the meat)





Directions:
1. Start heating the soy sauce in a large pan, on low heat.
2. As it warms, slowly add sugar and stir constantly until dissolved--it's a lot of sugar!
3. Add the ginger, garlic, green onions and beer.
4. Slow simmer on gentle heat. It doesn't need to boil, but it can if you care to burn off the alcohol. Heat for around 20 minutes (exactness is not required) to allow the flavors to have "permeated the brew" (as my cool f-i-l says).
5. Take off heat, cool enough to add to a zip lock bag with meat for marinating. You can use it on stakes, pork chops, chicken--you can chop the meat for shish-ka-bobs, or use it for tri-tip steaks. For beef, let marinate a day (give or take). For white meat, shorter time is needed. I haven't tried this with fish, but I think it would be excellent with just about any kind of fish.
6. BBQ grill, broil, or George Foreman that meat!

(My f-i-l also has been known to add it to meat and then stick it in the freezer for a quick meal in a pinch down the road. What a guy!)






Now--what should I do with ALL of this parsley? I have 4 times this amount still in the garden!

Happy Martyr's Day, I mean Mother's Day...

A few years back, I sat listening to a lovely Mother's Day service at church. The songs all heralded the joy and loveliness of motherhood. The speakers all praised their perfect wives, mothers and sisters. It was beautiful.

And I sobbed.

My sweet husband had left early that morning for meetings, with a kiss on my cheek and a tender look that said "sorry!" Then I had spent 2 hours wrestling small children into fluffy dresses, trying to find those matching socks, shoes and hairbows that had been set out Saturday night but walked off before 9 a.m. (does this happen to anyone else?) There had been no time for breakfast in bed, diamonds, or lovely cards. I had been crabby with my children and short tempered.

And so I sobbed. I spent most of church feeling inadequate, unqualified, guilty and annoyed with how Mother's Day was no different from any other "Day of rest" (my eye.)

Then, I snapped out of it. For pete's sake. What was my problem? Pity Parties are so ugly. I decided right then and there that I am the best mom my kids will ever have. I love them heart and soul and I am doing my best. End of story. No more comparisons, no more guilt. I am who I am.

When we got home, I rallied the troops in making a lovely lunch, we invited friends over for dinner so that we could give someone else a break. My kids gave me the cards their Sunday School teachers had helped them make and all was well.

My attitude has greatly changed about Mother's Day. I appreciate my Mothers. I have many and all have blessed and enriched my life. We live away from family, so the actual day of Mother's Day in our house is about me, and I CHOOSE what the day will bring. I'm realistic in my expectations. I don't want diamonds and they aren't coming. Hallmark doesn't dictate how our family enjoys the day.

My idea of showing love is a nice meal. So, I plan good food. I buy what I want and enlist help in putting it together. We enjoy time in the kitchen as a family. I don't expect Dave to read my mind, I tell him what I want and then we are all happy!

This week I took Jane to the store. She insisted on spending all of the money in her bank on a Mother's Day gift for me. The children have all spent countless hours putting together cards, writing a song book for Mothers, drawing pictures... They are so excited. Jane asks me daily how many more days. She says she can't wait to see my reaction to her gift. She also has asked me to help her make muffins for Sunday morning on Saturday, because she knows we always have to rush out the door.... I also heard whisperings about breakfast in bed Saturday (I'll have my favorite bagels in the fridge and granola... They'll be so happy to give me exactly what I would want!)

For me, at this stage, this is what Mother's Day is about. With the help of a sweet husband, I am teaching my children how to show me and their Grandma's and Aunts Love. They are learning how to show someone that you care, how to prepare nice things for them... the best part of Mother's day will be watching the joy my children have found in treating me like their queen.
Please excuse the Valentine collage. This is the only picture of me and my children I have! Job #1 for Sunday morning is a family picture!

Mother's Day Miscellany

by Emily

I've been a mother for a few years now. Nothing compared to my sisters' experience as mothers, and especially nothing compared to my mother and mother-in-law's experience. [I can't imagine what it will be like to be mother to older children, and I DON'T want to imagine it! Wah!] Still, I spend a lot of time thinking about motherhood. What it means to me, how it changes a woman. I read books about it.

I am it, I guess.

This is just to say to my own mother and other mothers out there, I love you. My appreciation and understanding of the magnitude of your sacrifice, love, service and devotion, and priceless worth grows deeper each year.

Some women hate mother's day. I think I can understand the complexities it holds for many of us, mothers or not. I can imagine the many ways it could be a rough day for people with different experiences than mine. It makes me ache for them.

This year I am helping organize a small gift for all the women who go to church on Sunday. It is small. But just planing this makes me excited and gets me thinking about all the women I know and love, and their unique role in my life. I love being a part of this gesture to honor them, mothers or not.

I am looking at mother's day this year as a way to show honor and reverence for the role of mother. I am thankful for a loving God whose plan included mothers. I am thankful for the mother He gave me.

I wait with anticipation for my sister-in-law Erin to become a mother. There is something so special and magical about that first time, the transition into Motherhood. I think Erin may very well be the best mother I'll ever know. First of all (not first in importance though), she is pretty, and beautiful, and cute.

Beautiful, Radiant, Gorgeous. Woman!

[ It is so gratifying to look at your mommy and feel that she is "the most beautiful girl in the whole world". I always felt that way about my own mother, still do.]

Second of all Erin is giving, kind, generous, selfless, nurturing, thoughtful, cheerful, long suffering, fun, loving, beloved, love, love, love ,love, love. She really is all those things. All those loves.

Sometimes she asks me for advice, and that makes me feel good.

I know what I am talking about because I have a wonderful mother.
I love you, Mom. I don't know if I can do it as well as you did it, but I keep trying.

A few questions...

by Kristen



We Bossy sisters have our own little forum just for keeping in touch with each other. We discuss things our Bossy audience may not be interested in, and perhaps might be TMI to share with everyone. A few years ago, one of the Bossy sisters posted these questions to get our feed-back. I was just rereading some of our posts and came across this and thought it would be interesting to get our reader's insights. I have added a few questions as well as the originals.


Please share your thoughts on these issues (or just the ones you want to address):



How do you feel about 2 piece swim suits? Is there an ok age and a not ok age?



What about tank tops or sleeveless dresses?



What about toe rings, anklets, or excessive jewelry?



How old is old enough for ears pierced? (obviously a girl, but you can tell me for a boy too.)



When did you tell your children how babies are born? Did you go into the conception process or just the birth thing?



Is soda ok? Caffeinated?



Rub on tatoos? or is that Rub off tatoos? :)



How old for make-up and shaving legs?



Should you ever interfere with or address your children's music preferences? Why or why not?



How do you address teenage modesty for boys (i.e. 6 inches of underwear showing above the waistline)?



Do you or would you ever read your kid's journal? Why or why not?



Do you cater to picky eaters?



I can't wait to read your comments!

Know My Struggles - Know Me

by Kristen

I remember someone once saying that you don't really know another person until you know what their struggle is. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Well, I won't bother you with all my struggles, not only would you not want to hear them, I don't want to share them all. But I will share one struggle; the one that has probably taught me the most as a parent thus far (of course, I am learning new lessons daily with a 16 year old in the house now).



This is my son, Rocky.

He is an amazing child! He is funny, happy, hard-working, independent, and confident. Now. But he wasn't always. In fact, for most of his younger childhood he was clingy, insecure, and frustratingly moody. I confess that when he was about 3 years old, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I had moments where I truly felt like I hated this child. Pretty strong, huh? Well, that was it, it was a strong and disturbing emotion that was intertwined with a deep, nurturing, and heart-breaking love for this struggling little boy.

He was a child who would stand in line to ride the merry-go-round at the fair for 20 minutes, then cop out at the moment it was time to get on the ride. He was a child who would only wear "lightening" socks from Shopko and they had to "feel" just right. We went almost two years where he wore nothing but blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt (ages 5-6). He was the one who would get ready for school, then just as the bus came around the corner he would get all morose and drag his feet till he missed the bus. In fact, as he got older, he sabotaged all efforts to get him to school, including undressing in the car on the way to school. I remember him saying one day that he wished his school would explode and that he would die and the whole school would just die. He was only in 4th grade.

The winter of 2006 I noticed him washing his hands an extreme amount and his hands were red and bleeding. We had taught him to sing the "ABC" song twice while he lathered his hands, and he was consistently obedient about that.

One morning I just observed his behavior, it went something like this. Woke up, went into bathroom, washed hands ("ABC" thing), went to bathroom, washed hands, got undressed for shower, washed hands, got towel ready on rack, washed hands, took shower, got out and dried off, washed hands, brushed teeth, washed hands, got dressed, washed hands, came downstairs, washed hands, got breakfast cereal, washed hands, ate breakfast, washed hands, etc. You get the drift. I called the school nurse and she referred him to the school counselor. Later that day the counselor called me and said she had visited with him and thought he might be depressed. "WHAT?!" "No", I thought, "he might be compulsive, but not depressed." That night I googled "childhood depression". The page said that if your child displays 3 or more of the 14 characteristics for more than 3 months, they may be depressed. Rocky had 11 symptoms, and had had them for most of his life.

I took him to the doctor. I took him to a child psychologist. We got him on Zoloft. Three months later while at a med check, I told the doctor what an amazingly different child he was! The doctor said, "Let me introduce you to your son." This is who he is, if his brain produced and held on to the correct balance of chemicals for the correct amount of time, this is who my son would be.

Rocky is a joy in my life! I am amazed by him and the things he does now. Bossy sister Robin can attest to the day we went skiing and Rocky got on the chairlift, by himself, and I stood in the lodge and cried. I couldn't believe his growth and independence.

Now our lives are richer, happier. He is confident and outgoing. The winter "blahs" are still very real in our home, but we are better prepared to cope with them.

Here are some of the things we have enjoyed in the past few years:

Lake Powell with friends.

Wake-boarding

Swimming in Florida, with the sharks (no kidding).

Boating and wake-boarding with friends.

Universal studios where Rocky rode "The Mummy" (awesome ride!) and convinced me to ride "The Hulk" with him.

Bridge-jumping at the cabin.

Oh my! That's a long drop!

Riding the ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier.

What I have learned is this, we must keep our minds open to the amazing potential our children have, even when they struggle and seem to be lost causes. Utilize the resources available to us, love them, and embrace every good moment!

Do Something Nice For Your Husband

by Emily

Or, if you don't have a husband, do something nice for someone who plays a major role in your life.

For me, the something nice is sometimes just a cheerful smile and can-do attitude. Sometimes its a house that is quickly picked up and dinner ready to go when he gets home from work, topped off with a cheerful, "Daddy's home! Yay!" (*kissy kissy hug hug squeeze*)


About 4 years ago when I was practicing my new role as a SAHM, I decided that for a week straight I would make a deliberate effort to do 3 things each evening when my husband arrived home from work (school):

1. Have the family room and kitchen picked up (just a quick 10 minute pick-up)
2. Have dinner made, or nearly made, when my husband got home (this was new, prior to this we had both been working hard equally outside the home, so dinner was a coin-toss and usually ended up with each-man-for-himself)
3. When he walked in the door: STOP what I was doing, GIVE him a kiss and a squeeze, LOOK him in the eye, and SAY something heartfelt ("I missed you!" "I'm so glad you're home!" "How has your day been?" "My favorite time of day is when you come home!") and LISTEN to him.

Every misguided feminist part of me resisted doing this--terribly. It was so...so...so Dr. Laura. So subservient-housewifish. I felt like I was too good to be relegated to this kind of servitude.

Luckily for me (and my family) I've learned a lot more about service since that time. What a week of marital bliss! I don't do that every evening anymore, but I am more consistent with dinner, and I understand what a difference those things make. I could go on about how it changed the feeling in our home when I did that experiment, I could go on about the miracle of love and service.

It's a good reminder to myself to recommit to those that I love most in life. I wonder what my next experiment should be? Oh yeah...going to bed at 9pm each night. I'm working on that. It's a good one too.

Have you ever done an experiment like this? What has taken you years to find out about your spouse/roommates/co-workers/parents/etc? I really, truly, sincerely want to know. Please share (you might inspire someone)!

Say it with me

When Dave and I were newly married we lived in a duplex. My neighbor was a busy mother of 4 very young children and I was substituting and teaching at Sylvan Learning center. Every.single.time she saw my car in the driveway she called to see if I could watch her children. I'm not joking. It was bad.

The really bad part though is that, I started to lie instead of saying no. I was weak, young and naive. I told her I was on my way out--- then I had to leave. Or I told her I was sick--- then I had to stay home! It is true what they say about lies, I'd get stuck in them and have to make them truths. ;)

Since then, I have learned to be a very good at saying NO. Here are my 5 tips.

1. Just say No. Stop there. You don't need to explain yourself (this was my problem with my neighbor. My dear Dave would laugh at my predicament and ask why I felt compelled to give her more information that she needed.)
2. Tell them what you are willing to do. "I am only available till 10:00 this morning." or "I am able to help make flyers, but I cannot be at the event."
3. Don't get rushed into a decision, tell them "I'll get back to you about that."
4. Know your limitations. Consider what saying yes will mean to not only you, but your family.
   
5. When the conversation starts with "Can I ask you a favor?" Don't say YES! People think the yes is for the favor, not the asking of it. :) I like to say, "What do you need?" Keeps me totally off the hook.

If you need more tips, Oprah had a series of articles about saying no in all different settings. I also love this talk about Good, Better, Best by Dallin H. Oaks.
He says:

We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.

Lastly, one more reminder from D. H. Oaks talk.

In choosing how we spend time as a family, we should be careful not to exhaust our available time on things that are merely good and leave little time for that which is better or best. A friend took his young family on a series of summer vacation trips, including visits to memorable historic sites. At the end of the summer he asked his teenage son which of these good summer activities he enjoyed most. The father learned from the reply, and so did those he told of it. “The thing I liked best this summer,” the boy replied, “was the night you and I laid on the lawn and looked at the stars and talked.” Super family activities may be good for children, but they are not always better than one-on-one time with a loving parent.

Have a great weekend!

How's that working for you?

by Kristen

I used to watch Dr. Phil and I always loved this question to his guests, "How's that working for you?" I like that question because it brings about a very important point... is what we are doing getting the results we want? It goes along with the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." So true!

When I was studying special education in college a professor was talking about using different types of discipline in the classroom, and whether they produce the desired effect. I loved the analogy he used. He said that if a child is misbehaving in class and you send them out to the hall, is that going to help eliminate the undesirable behavior? Well, it depends on how reinforcing it is out in the hall. If they can peek in other classrooms, goof off, draw, and visit with passers-by, then it probably will only increase the behavior that put them in the hall in the first place... the hall is more fun than the classroom.

In parenting we have to make these judgement calls all the time. Does putting your child in time-out stop the unpleasant behavior, or just temporarily give you a break? Does grounding your teenager due to low grades cause them to work harder to raise their grades, or does it just make them grouchy and unpleasant to be around, giving them the opportunity to stew in teenage angst (which seems to be rewarding to many teenagers). Does yelling, spanking, or ignoring your children's' arguments make them stop or just increase the intensity? Does buying them candy when they whine for it in the store make them more pleasant to shop with or does it simply teach them to whine louder, longer, and more often when they go shopping with you because they know there is a pay-off? (This applies to bedtime postponement behaviors as well).

Along with these tricky questions comes the whole "picking your battles" concept. I am a firm believer in this. NEVER tell your kid if they don't quit arguing you will cancel the birthday party, unless you REALLY WILL cancel the birthday party. That is a huge thing to follow through with. Instead, take a moment and decide what a realistic consequence is that you will actually follow through with.

Just last week I had to make some difficult decisions. I didn't ground my son (for poor grades), because I wasn't willing to put up with the moodiness, but I did threaten to take away his guitar (which induced a lesser degree of moodiness and a firm motivation to raise his grades), and I told him if he wasn't up in time for the bus, he would have to walk the 4 miles to school, because I would no longer bail him out. And I meant it. And he knew it. He started doing his homework and getting up on time. It comes down to yet another cliche "If you're going to talk the talk... you better be willing to walk the walk." It was a risk...if he didn't raise his grades, I would have to take his best friend away (guitar = best friend), if he didn't get up in time, I had to be willing to let him get a truancy for his 6th tardy because he had to walk to school. I almost didn't threaten that one, because... well, a truancy! But then again, he wasn't learning anything by sleeping in - maybe the truancy would teach him something more important.

What important lessons have you learned in your interactions with others, and yourself for that matter?

Art work by Norman Rockwell and Bill Watterson

Teach Your Children to Play by Themselves

by Emily

(Happy St. Patrick's Day! click here!)

When Sally had her first baby, we were lucky enough to live within an hour drive of each other. Because I was fairly newlywed and we were childless, I paid keen attention to this transition in Sally's life.

Which easily takes me on a tangent: being the youngest of 5 is awesome because you really do get so much out of watching your siblings go before you. In my case, I had the best examples. I have especially been watching Sally my whole life, as we are closest in age, and this "watching" has been done both inadvertently and intentionally.

Back to the point: I babysat my sweet nephew every chance I could get. I loved it. This was nothing new, I've been an aunt since I was 9, and I can remember each and every one of my nieces' and nephews' births and the magnitude of the occasion, how I felt my life touched and affected by each one individually.


But this was different, because all of a sudden, this time, it could be me.


Fast forward years later, and it is me.


So here is an important lesson I learned from Sally: Teach your children to play by themselves.

Oh, yes! It can be done! How, you ask? Prove it, you say in disbelief. I have a few short suggestions, and they may not jive with your parenting style, but it has worked for me, and I'm pretty sure it's worked for Sally.

1) Get DVR. Teach your child how to use the remote control.

2) Make snacks (fruit gummies, goldfish crackers, juice boxes) readily available, within your child's reach--you know, so they can help themselves.

3) Invest in a large library of VHS video tapes (because they're less easily ruined than DVDs) and teach your child how to use the VHS player.

4) Put all toys, markers, crayons, playdoh, etc. within arms reach for your child and let them have free reign.

5) Make sure your bathroom door has a lock on it, or maybe your bedroom door. This is so you can lock yourself in, and your children out, when the chaos hits the fan. You might consider some emergency rations in this room (chocolate, Dr. Pepper, a cordless phone, and some magazines...maybe a laptop with wireless internet).



HA! JUST KIDDING!


You didn't think I was serious, did you? Sally, did you really think I was going to soil your name on the World Wide Web like this? ;-)

No, the truth is, and we learn this again and again: an ounce of prevention is worth a stitch in time. No, wait. A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure? Hold on...that's not quite right...

Aphorisms are repeated again and again because of one thing: they teach a simple truth that we tend to need to learn over and over.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

A little effort upfront will save you a lot of effort and frustration down the road--and isn't this true to just about everything in life, including all aspects of parenting?

One of the first things I did (and I got this wisdom from Sally, not that garbage above), is that when my sweet little newborn awakens in the morning, or after a nap, and said baby is happily playing or cooing in the crib...as much as I may want to go in and scoop babyliciousness up in my arms, I let that baby play. He is happy. Alone. By himself. Playing. Entertaining himself. Not demanding anything.

THIS IS A SKILL that must be learned. Start early.

Another tip: ROUTINES (I totally struggle with this).

I wish my "routine" were a little more routine, like this:

Wake up (get myself dressed and fed, before kids wake up)
Kids dressed
Breakfast

Alone play time (sometimes I put on some child-friendly music to help, sometimes I deliberately get the kids "set-up" with an activity and then leave them alone to continue)

Snack
Walk? Library? Playgroup? (usually just more playtime)

Lunch
Naps

Wake-up snack
My oldest child has been doing "Preschool Pages" (from a workbook) after "nap" time, I direct her to get her started, then she does it ALONE

Playtime (by this point in the day I need to stop what I'm doing and spend some good playtime with my kids--reading books, or playing on the floor, going outside)

(maybe a nice, single video while I get dinner ready)

Dinner
PJs
Family Scripture Study
Family Prayer
Book
BEDTIME @ 7:00pm!

Celebration because kids are in bed!
Do something enjoyable
Go to bed early

(This is what I strive for, not what I actually do...)
I'm also a strong believer in organization of toys. If you have known me from my childhood, this will make you laugh because I always had the messiest room (please, let's not hog up the comments section with "hilarious" anecdotes of how messy my room was, okay? That's just so... unoriginal...;-))

Though I believe in ORGANIZATION, I don't really know how to do it. So don't ask me how.

Messy toys DO NOT GET PLAYED WITH. Which then results in bored children, which then results in parents being constantly nagged by kids who can't seem to play by themselves.

Finally, one last tip. I just refuse to let my life be dictated by a 3 year old. Ha! How rediculous of a statement is that? Let's be honest, who is in control here, me or she? I'm laughing because the truth is, I love her, and I pay sincere attention to her needs. It is "She" who must be obeyed. So let's have a sense of humor about this. Sometimes though, if she is bored, that is just her problem, and she needs the opportunity to figure it out.

How I respond to these repeated pleas of attention due to boredom differs day to day. Sometimes I just ignore her--I'll tell her, "I'm sorry, but you have to decide by yourself what to do right now. Right now it is Mommy's turn to do some work alone, and it is (child's name here)'s turn to play or work by yourself. You're in charge of finding something to do," and then I turn my back (turn on my mommy-sonar listening ears) and pretend to not notice her display of displeasure.

Sometimes I give in, and all it takes is 10 minutes of undivided attention and love to fill her emotional bucket, and then she's good, and I'm good, and it turned out to be the best 10 minutes of my day (her day too).

And then sometimes...I put a video in, and turn off the guilt switch.

We have to be kind to our kids, we have to try to teach them (give them the opportunity to learn this skill, even if you feel like your being a mean mommy by doing it) to play by themselves. But do it deliberately. And don't be so hard on yourself. And try to laugh. And...and...and...

I feel like these things have really helped. I am always looking for new tricks of the trade, so PLEASE share any wisdom and suggestions--or maybe just humor--we can all use a good laugh ;-)

Keeping Our Kids Safe

by Kristen

Several years ago I woke up at about 6:00 in the morning to a little boy tapping me and saying, "Mom, can I talk to you?" He was eleven at the time and knew better than to wake mom for just a friendly chat, yet that seemed to be what he was doing. I mumbled something about talking later, to which he paused, then said, "I just wanted to talk to you about something I saw on the computer."

The response in my body and mind was something akin to what I'm sure cavemen felt when on a relaxed stroll they turned a corner and came directly face to face with a hissing and ready to spring velociraptor (which if you saw Jurassic Park you know is much more dangerous than a T. Rex). I instantly sat up and said, "sure, sure we can talk now. Just let me get my bathrobe and we'll snuggle on the couch and talk". (or something like that).

As we snuggled, he proceded to tell me how he was playing a game online and he clicked on a advertisment which he thought was for a different game and it took him to a pornographic website. Being pro-active parents, we had already talked about such a possibility with our kids and explained what pornography was. As he went on to tell me what he had seen and how it made him feel both curious and upset. As he dissolved into tears of shame and guilt I put my arms around him and tried to comfort him.

The reason I share this story is because it happens every day. Maybe it's happened to your kids, maybe you know about it, maybe not. We had a filter on the computer, I think at that time we were using Net Nanny or maybe Cyber Sitter. Either way, it didn't prevent my 11 year old from viewing some very disturbing images. I wonder what else it didn't prevent.

When I was a young married woman, I worried that my kids would experiment with drinking, smoking, pot, or even sex. But I never worried that they might become addicted to pornography. I never worried that a pedophile would search them out online. I never worried about their physical safety being jeapordized because of the computer. At that time, the World Wide Web wasn't yet a reality, and when it became so...well, it was this thing, out there, not here, not in my office, my house, my daily life.

But now it is a part of so much of my life. I spend hours a day on the internet; working, recreating, reading, searching, learning, educating my son, and socializing. And my kids could potentially do likewise. And now, I know that those fears about their safety and possible addictions are all too real.

How do we protect our kids?

There are so many steps. It starts with lots of conversations about what is or is not okay to share on the internet. My kids have been told they can't tell their last names, the city they live in, the state they live in, their ages, the name of their schools, their school mascots, their sports team names, the places where their parents work, their address or phone or email, their friends' names or information, or any other possibly identifying information. And they've been told this applies both at our house and anyone else's house.

Along with this is the warning to us, as parents, to be aware what we are putting out there for people to find out about our kids. If you blog about your kids, you may be giving quite a bit of information to people you don't know. Recently we discussed this as siblings and the caution we need to take not only for our own kids, but not to be posting pictures of other people's kids without their permission. Just something to be aware of.

While they were young (under the age of 12) they didn't have access to any thing except educational sites or some games. As we found out, the games were not safe either. So from that point on we made even more rules.

The computer is in a public place. In fact, we have a ridiculous room in our house with surround sound (so to speak) desks and a computer in each corner (one for each family member). This is ridiculous. I know. The only reason for this is because part of my DH's job is testing computers and so he is always bringing them home to test. My computer is the only one we actually own. the others are constantly being replaced and upgraded. I refuse to allow that to happen to mine more than once every 2-3 years.

Also, we have filters on all our computers. There are a lot of good ones out there. Some are free, some cost. Do your research. PC Magazine does a good review of the filters and their strengths and weaknesses as well as neat features such as running it in stealth mode, so the person on the computer doesn't know there is a filter. They just keep getting a "This website is not responding" type message. You can also get web search logs and activity logs sent to your email, or set times the computer is "open" for different users.

We don't use those features. This is the most effective feature we have: My DH and I are the only one's with the computer password, so if the boys want on, we log them on, and only if we are willing to stay in the room with them (and we make them turn around while we type in the password). We also have a screen saver set for 10 minutes and a required password to get back on. If we leave, they have to log off. Yes. I know, what a pain in the butt! It is! It is frustrating and annoying and sometimes seems ridiculous. But it works. And we don't have so many of the worries that other people have. At first there was some moaning and complaining (and not just from the kids), but now, it is just the way it is, and no one argues or whines. It just is.

A big bonus to this is, my kids RARELY waste time on the internet (instead they waste time playing Rocky Band and the very wholesome game of Halo). Ug.

And lastly, we talk about it. We talk about the dangers and the blessings of the internet. We try to instill in them good values and a strong moral ethic. We encourage them to be strong and take a stand against such evils, whether at home or at a friend's house. Because not every home has the same rules. We try to make our home the place where the friends want to hang out, and that helps a lot too.

What have you found that works? What are your experiences? If you haven't begun to protect against these issues, I urge you not to wait till something happens. Start now.