by Kristen
I used to watch Dr. Phil and I always loved this question to his guests, "How's that working for you?" I like that question because it brings about a very important point... is what we are doing getting the results we want? It goes along with the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." So true!
When I was studying special education in college a professor was talking about using different types of discipline in the classroom, and whether they produce the desired effect. I loved the analogy he used. He said that if a child is misbehaving in class and you send them out to the hall, is that going to help eliminate the undesirable behavior? Well, it depends on how reinforcing it is out in the hall. If they can peek in other classrooms, goof off, draw, and visit with passers-by, then it probably will only increase the behavior that put them in the hall in the first place... the hall is more fun than the classroom.
In parenting we have to make these judgement calls all the time. Does putting your child in time-out stop the unpleasant behavior, or just temporarily give you a break? Does grounding your teenager due to low grades cause them to work harder to raise their grades, or does it just make them grouchy and unpleasant to be around, giving them the opportunity to stew in teenage angst (which seems to be rewarding to many teenagers). Does yelling, spanking, or ignoring your children's' arguments make them stop or just increase the intensity? Does buying them candy when they whine for it in the store make them more pleasant to shop with or does it simply teach them to whine louder, longer, and more often when they go shopping with you because they know there is a pay-off? (This applies to bedtime postponement behaviors as well).
Along with these tricky questions comes the whole "picking your battles" concept. I am a firm believer in this. NEVER tell your kid if they don't quit arguing you will cancel the birthday party, unless you REALLY WILL cancel the birthday party. That is a huge thing to follow through with. Instead, take a moment and decide what a realistic consequence is that you will actually follow through with.
Just last week I had to make some difficult decisions. I didn't ground my son (for poor grades), because I wasn't willing to put up with the moodiness, but I did threaten to take away his guitar (which induced a lesser degree of moodiness and a firm motivation to raise his grades), and I told him if he wasn't up in time for the bus, he would have to walk the 4 miles to school, because I would no longer bail him out. And I meant it. And he knew it. He started doing his homework and getting up on time. It comes down to yet another cliche "If you're going to talk the talk... you better be willing to walk the walk." It was a risk...if he didn't raise his grades, I would have to take his best friend away (guitar = best friend), if he didn't get up in time, I had to be willing to let him get a truancy for his 6th tardy because he had to walk to school. I almost didn't threaten that one, because... well, a truancy! But then again, he wasn't learning anything by sleeping in - maybe the truancy would teach him something more important.
What important lessons have you learned in your interactions with others, and yourself for that matter?
Art work by Norman Rockwell and Bill Watterson
9 comments:
I'm on a Love and Logic kick right now and this sounds right along those lines. I'm working on taking the responsibility off my shoulders and giving it back to them. It's a hard habit to break, but it should better prepare them for the real world.
I love all your parenting tips. You seem like an excellent mom Kristen.
One of the best things my mom did as a parent was to say Yes every chance she got. When she was unsure, she would tell us she would think about it. When she said No, we didn't question it.
I love to be at the park and hear idle threats. Makes me feel like such a superior parent. ;)
I am struggling with discipline right now...I'll be hanging out to read all of the comments. I have a lot to learn!
Picking your battles IS crucial, which means understanding when to say "ijni,"-- it's just not important, now, or in the long run.
Knowing when to say nothing. Sometimes, perhaps often, silence IS golden. That's probably been the hardest one for me.
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I'm with you. I don't ground my kids because when I don't like their behavior I don't want to be around them. I take away the electronics, car keys, whatever the favorite currency is at the moment.
This was a great post. Just last weekend Jason and I talked about the fact that we can't go from 0 to 60 with consequences--basically what you were saying about threatening to cancel the bday party. It's just not realistic.
My question is: how bad is it to look the other way? What if I know that my child has done something wrong (minor) but if I pretend I don't know then I won't have to deal with it? Because if he knows that I know, I will deal with it. but I don't want to.
Lazy, I know.
Loved this post and loved the Norman Rockwell art. Perfect!
Kristen, AWESOME post. Right on the money. Joe and I talk about these things all the time--checking ourselves to see how we're doing. Sooooooo much room for improvement. I think I struggle with making the consequence/response match porportionatly the issue at hand. (in other words, not overreacting, or like Sally said, 0 to 60-- it backfires and hurts relationships in our family).
Thanks for the great advice/reminder.
I'm checking out the Love and Logic books--I've heard so much about them lately!
I also have enjoyed the Love and Logic books because you learn to take the consternation/frustration out of trying to control your children and let them make their own choices that follow with appropriate consequences- just like real life. Secondly, thanks for posting this- it's nice to know I'm not the only one with these dilemmas.
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