When Dave and I were newly married we lived in a duplex. My neighbor was a busy mother of 4 very young children and I was substituting and teaching at Sylvan Learning center. Every.single.time she saw my car in the driveway she called to see if I could watch her children. I'm not joking. It was bad.The really bad part though is that, I started to lie instead of saying no. I was weak, young and naive. I told her I was on my way out--- then I had to leave. Or I told her I was sick--- then I had to stay home! It is true what they say about lies, I'd get stuck in them and have to make them truths. ;)
Since then, I have learned to be a very good at saying NO. Here are my 5 tips.
- Just say No. Stop there. You don't need to explain yourself (this was my problem with my neighbor. My dear Dave would laugh at my predicament and ask why I felt compelled to give her more information that she needed.)
- Tell them what you are willing to do. "I am only available till 10:00 this morning." or "I am able to help make flyers, but I cannot be at the event."
- Don't get rushed into a decision, tell them "I'll get back to you about that."
- Know your limitations. Consider what saying yes will mean to not only you, but your family.
- When the conversation starts with "Can I ask you a favor?" Don't say YES! People think the yes is for the favor, not the asking of it. :) I like to say, "What do you need?" Keeps me totally off the hook.
He says:
We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.
Lastly, one more reminder from D. H. Oaks talk.In choosing how we spend time as a family, we should be careful not to exhaust our available time on things that are merely good and leave little time for that which is better or best. A friend took his young family on a series of summer vacation trips, including visits to memorable historic sites. At the end of the summer he asked his teenage son which of these good summer activities he enjoyed most. The father learned from the reply, and so did those he told of it. “The thing I liked best this summer,” the boy replied, “was the night you and I laid on the lawn and looked at the stars and talked.” Super family activities may be good for children, but they are not always better than one-on-one time with a loving parent.
Have a great weekend!
12 comments:
I learned many years ago that saying 'no' is easy... after all, it's only a one syllable word, and if people's feelings get hurt when you say no, then those feelings are their responsibility and not yours.
No nononononono
Quite easy to say.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
This is a hard one for me...especially when it comes to my family. Not my husband and kids but my mom and siblings. I loved the talk by Elder Oaks - it was fabulous and I will never forget it. I've tried to make it a part of my life. Thanks for the reminder!
NO.
Ahhh. That feels good!
It is hard for me to say No. I find myself doing something I don't want to, or with my plate too full, and wonder why I didn't say no.
Saying no without an excuse is the hardest thing for me. I am glad it was your #1...I am going to start TODAY. I also love that you said consider what saying yes means for your family. Great post!
I think your list of 5 ways to handle these situations is so practical. I often forget that I can simply say, "Let me check on a few things and call you back" or even with my children, "Give me some time to think about that." Even if it is an urgent "favor", usually you can take 5 minutes to collect your thoughts before you call back and say "No." or yes. Sometimes taking the time to figure it out actually helps me to adjust my attitude and say "yes" when that is what I actually need to do.
I think maybe I'm too good at saying no. ;-)
I'm horrible at no, Horrible. This week I resolved to do less instead of more. thanks for reminding me and posting? "What do you need?" Good one
I love what you said about considering what it means to your family. I'm so used to it just being me and wanting to help that I often forget the impact on my family. Sometimes "I" could do it, but "we" as a family just can't. That pause to think about it and "check" with my husband helps give me the step back I need to evaluate things like the health of my kids that week, when we have time we can share etc. That way my family is first and I can say yes when its appropriate. And as Di said, No is pretty easy to say once you practice.
This is a very important skill. My sister-in-law taught me this several years ago. She told me sometimes it isn't that she can't do it, she just really doesn't want to.
Sometimes I feel like I need an excuse when I say no, so then I say, "I'm sorry, I have other plans." I don't elaborate. The other plans may be cleaning my kitchen, talking a walk, reading a book, laying out in the pool. Or they may be helping my kids with a project, talking with my teenager, or fulfilling some other responsibility. Either way, the other plans are real.
Now the danger in getting comfortable with this is, sometimes I find that I could have, and should have said yes. I needed to do that service for someone, or be involved and it was selfishness not to. So, for me at least, I have to balance selfishness with self - needs.
My problem is that it is hard for me to call and ask for help so when someone calls me I always put myself into their shoes and say yes. And usually, I'm glad I said yes. But my kids are older and I have more time now, and I have been lucky enough to not have many "users" in my life.
Except for my kids. I can say no to them easy!
Kristen, you said kind of what I was thinking. I'm actually trying to say "yes" more because I feel like I miss out. But I also feel like giving pause to figure out when to say yes and no, will also help me to feel just fine with saying no when I need to. That's why I said that I think I'm "too good" at saying no. Ah...well...
And Robin, I ditto you too.
"Users". Hmmm, sometimes I just take my time getting to know people to avoid getting into a "user" relationship/friendship. I think because I had a few too many friends like this when I was younger & in school.
Anyway, the lessons I learn, and keep learning, over and over again.
Good post Melissa!
Those of you who know me, know I'm the one that usually says "yes." But I'm learning to say "can I think about it and let you know later?"
Advice: When you say "no" it is good to be prepared for their response of "Why?"
Most polite persons will not ask you why, and so your response can be, "I'm just unable to," or "It just wouldn't work for me," but with some persistent people I've said, "It really doesn't make any difference why. I can't." There is one extremely pushy "user" acquaintance that when asked why, I periodically say, "I don't have to tell you why."
It seems women ask each other for favors a ton more than men do. In fact, among men asking for a favor is almost like admitting a weakness. Like you aren't man enough to do it by yourself (which is probably why we refuse to ask for directions).
It does happen though ... there are some clients who ask for favors all the time which aren't big enough to bill for, or managers who load you down with misc tasks so you can't focus on your core responsibilities. But in those cases you can always make the argument: "it ain't my job".
Works for me. Maybe that should be added as strategy #6.
"Can you watch my kids?"
"Ain't my job".
I also like the pre-emptive approach. Get yourself a T-shirt that just says "No, I won't watch your kids". Wear it next time you get together with a bunch of your friends.
Totally butting in on your family blog, sorry. I very recently had to learn this lesson. Here is my tip: Don't give excuses, your friends don't need them and no one else will believe them : )
Post a Comment