Texting saved my marriage. Or, procrastination.

by Emily


We started texting with some regularity about a year ago. It didn't really "save" my marriage, but that sure caught your attention, didn't it? Sorry if you feel misled.

If you don't text, let me give you a few reasons why you should try:

• It can add some spice to your love life: it's a great way to deliver a love note. I would recommend this to newlyweds and experienced partners alike. Texting by nature is short, so you don't feel obligated or pressured to come up with a lot to say, just a simple love phrase goes a long ways. And if you're busy, it isn't demanding--you can text your wife in the middle of that meeting "Thinking of you...(or your hot legs)", or your husband in the middle of that piano lesson "you're my hunka hunka man" or maybe it's a simple, "I love you" or "Thanks for..."
  
• Besides your love life, what about your loving relationships with others? If you have kids with cell phones, you can text them "I love you's" and "I'm proud of you's" and "CTR's" as much as you want--they will read it. They have to read a text, it is like an all powerful force in their lives. They can't resist the ring of a text.
  
• Meeting up. If you're meeting someone at a crowded event (football game, concert arena, church?) you can text your location "second row, left." This is good if you're in a loud environment and talking is difficult, or you're in a quiet environment (like church, movie theater).
  
• Grocery lists. No more excuses when your spouse or teenager is running to the store: "don't forget: milk, butter, and grapefruit...and diapers" no excuses, no excuses...you'd hate to have to go back for the diapers.
  
• Change in schedule. This happens to us (me and my husband) where one of us will be in an irregular meeting of sorts (doctor's appointment, etc.) and the other is in charge of x, y, or z, which he or she is not usually in charge of. For example, "your turn to feed the meter" (when we park on campus, and we're both in class), or "don't forget to pick up the kids at 4." It's a friendly reminder.
  
• "Remind me to tell you about..." what Roo said this morning...or, that past due bill...or, the Walmart Wacko. You know, these are the things you think of telling someone during the day, but it just isn't the right time for a phone call. You can text a prelude to your conversation instead.
• Avoid sounding like a nagging naggy nag: You can text from one room in the house to another. Some of you might think this is ridiculous, but it is not. It saves you from nagging loudly at the top of your lungs (not pretty, and usually ineffective), and the message is clearly received. Consider doing this the next time you need your teenager's help. Or, how about when your spouse is glued to the computer/tv and you want to invite him/her to join you in something, without having to sound like a nagging pest?
• Apologies. Avoid insincerity. This is only to be reserved for those rare occasions when things go wrong, you can't apologize in person, and therefore a text is the next best option. It also helps to pave the way for a genuine apologetic follow-up phone call. A plea, so to speak. Humor helps too. "I'm really sorry, I was a stinky poo poo, and I hope you will forgive me. ;-( I love you."
  
• Venting Anger. If you really need to get that message across, you might feel better doing it by text. For example, if your teenager is driving you to the edge, your text might read: "I'm really mad at you." Or, "If I had a gun, I'd hit you with it!" This is sure to get the point across, and will not be easily forgotten. [That's an inside joke for all you Boss-me regulars ;-)] On second thought, this might not be a good idea. Don't text when angry. Take a deep breath, count to ten, maybe walk around to block. Just put the cell phone down and think twice.
  
• Distraction/procrastination. Okay, this is not a virtue of texting. It is a vice. As in, I blog, therefore I procrastinate. I text, therefore I procrastinate. Kinda how I'm procrastinating writing my 20 page paper on Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day and Mary Louise Pratt's Contact Zones theory--by blogging, and by texting my husband who is at school while I write in our basement. But it is worth it, all you bloggers know it is worth it. Beside, texting is no where near the time-suck that blogging is, unless you're 14 years old.
  

That's all I got. What would you add to this list? My marriage is just a little bit better because of texting. Please don't text and drive.

In Memory of our Dad

by Emily

Today we are celebrating the life of our father, David Wright Austin. He passed away last week on Thanksgiving morning. He used to always joke with me that it was Thanksgiving everyday for him because (due to food allergies) he often ate turkey and sweet potatoes. One of the things I like to remember about my dad was his sense of humor, like that recurring Thanksgiving joke.

We loved our Dad, and we will miss him. Here is a video to honor him, we hope you'll join us for a moment and enjoy the video. You can also read beautiful posts by Kristen, Robin (here and here), and Melissa, on their personal blogs.

A slideshow presentation in memory of my father.



David Wright Austin

May 27, 1938 - November 26, 2009

Happy Martyr's Day, I mean Mother's Day...

A few years back, I sat listening to a lovely Mother's Day service at church. The songs all heralded the joy and loveliness of motherhood. The speakers all praised their perfect wives, mothers and sisters. It was beautiful.

And I sobbed.

My sweet husband had left early that morning for meetings, with a kiss on my cheek and a tender look that said "sorry!" Then I had spent 2 hours wrestling small children into fluffy dresses, trying to find those matching socks, shoes and hairbows that had been set out Saturday night but walked off before 9 a.m. (does this happen to anyone else?) There had been no time for breakfast in bed, diamonds, or lovely cards. I had been crabby with my children and short tempered.

And so I sobbed. I spent most of church feeling inadequate, unqualified, guilty and annoyed with how Mother's Day was no different from any other "Day of rest" (my eye.)

Then, I snapped out of it. For pete's sake. What was my problem? Pity Parties are so ugly. I decided right then and there that I am the best mom my kids will ever have. I love them heart and soul and I am doing my best. End of story. No more comparisons, no more guilt. I am who I am.

When we got home, I rallied the troops in making a lovely lunch, we invited friends over for dinner so that we could give someone else a break. My kids gave me the cards their Sunday School teachers had helped them make and all was well.

My attitude has greatly changed about Mother's Day. I appreciate my Mothers. I have many and all have blessed and enriched my life. We live away from family, so the actual day of Mother's Day in our house is about me, and I CHOOSE what the day will bring. I'm realistic in my expectations. I don't want diamonds and they aren't coming. Hallmark doesn't dictate how our family enjoys the day.

My idea of showing love is a nice meal. So, I plan good food. I buy what I want and enlist help in putting it together. We enjoy time in the kitchen as a family. I don't expect Dave to read my mind, I tell him what I want and then we are all happy!

This week I took Jane to the store. She insisted on spending all of the money in her bank on a Mother's Day gift for me. The children have all spent countless hours putting together cards, writing a song book for Mothers, drawing pictures... They are so excited. Jane asks me daily how many more days. She says she can't wait to see my reaction to her gift. She also has asked me to help her make muffins for Sunday morning on Saturday, because she knows we always have to rush out the door.... I also heard whisperings about breakfast in bed Saturday (I'll have my favorite bagels in the fridge and granola... They'll be so happy to give me exactly what I would want!)

For me, at this stage, this is what Mother's Day is about. With the help of a sweet husband, I am teaching my children how to show me and their Grandma's and Aunts Love. They are learning how to show someone that you care, how to prepare nice things for them... the best part of Mother's day will be watching the joy my children have found in treating me like their queen.
Please excuse the Valentine collage. This is the only picture of me and my children I have! Job #1 for Sunday morning is a family picture!

Mother's Day Miscellany

by Emily

I've been a mother for a few years now. Nothing compared to my sisters' experience as mothers, and especially nothing compared to my mother and mother-in-law's experience. [I can't imagine what it will be like to be mother to older children, and I DON'T want to imagine it! Wah!] Still, I spend a lot of time thinking about motherhood. What it means to me, how it changes a woman. I read books about it.

I am it, I guess.

This is just to say to my own mother and other mothers out there, I love you. My appreciation and understanding of the magnitude of your sacrifice, love, service and devotion, and priceless worth grows deeper each year.

Some women hate mother's day. I think I can understand the complexities it holds for many of us, mothers or not. I can imagine the many ways it could be a rough day for people with different experiences than mine. It makes me ache for them.

This year I am helping organize a small gift for all the women who go to church on Sunday. It is small. But just planing this makes me excited and gets me thinking about all the women I know and love, and their unique role in my life. I love being a part of this gesture to honor them, mothers or not.

I am looking at mother's day this year as a way to show honor and reverence for the role of mother. I am thankful for a loving God whose plan included mothers. I am thankful for the mother He gave me.

I wait with anticipation for my sister-in-law Erin to become a mother. There is something so special and magical about that first time, the transition into Motherhood. I think Erin may very well be the best mother I'll ever know. First of all (not first in importance though), she is pretty, and beautiful, and cute.

Beautiful, Radiant, Gorgeous. Woman!

[ It is so gratifying to look at your mommy and feel that she is "the most beautiful girl in the whole world". I always felt that way about my own mother, still do.]

Second of all Erin is giving, kind, generous, selfless, nurturing, thoughtful, cheerful, long suffering, fun, loving, beloved, love, love, love ,love, love. She really is all those things. All those loves.

Sometimes she asks me for advice, and that makes me feel good.

I know what I am talking about because I have a wonderful mother.
I love you, Mom. I don't know if I can do it as well as you did it, but I keep trying.

Know My Struggles - Know Me

by Kristen

I remember someone once saying that you don't really know another person until you know what their struggle is. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Well, I won't bother you with all my struggles, not only would you not want to hear them, I don't want to share them all. But I will share one struggle; the one that has probably taught me the most as a parent thus far (of course, I am learning new lessons daily with a 16 year old in the house now).



This is my son, Rocky.

He is an amazing child! He is funny, happy, hard-working, independent, and confident. Now. But he wasn't always. In fact, for most of his younger childhood he was clingy, insecure, and frustratingly moody. I confess that when he was about 3 years old, I couldn't stand him. Literally, I had moments where I truly felt like I hated this child. Pretty strong, huh? Well, that was it, it was a strong and disturbing emotion that was intertwined with a deep, nurturing, and heart-breaking love for this struggling little boy.

He was a child who would stand in line to ride the merry-go-round at the fair for 20 minutes, then cop out at the moment it was time to get on the ride. He was a child who would only wear "lightening" socks from Shopko and they had to "feel" just right. We went almost two years where he wore nothing but blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt (ages 5-6). He was the one who would get ready for school, then just as the bus came around the corner he would get all morose and drag his feet till he missed the bus. In fact, as he got older, he sabotaged all efforts to get him to school, including undressing in the car on the way to school. I remember him saying one day that he wished his school would explode and that he would die and the whole school would just die. He was only in 4th grade.

The winter of 2006 I noticed him washing his hands an extreme amount and his hands were red and bleeding. We had taught him to sing the "ABC" song twice while he lathered his hands, and he was consistently obedient about that.

One morning I just observed his behavior, it went something like this. Woke up, went into bathroom, washed hands ("ABC" thing), went to bathroom, washed hands, got undressed for shower, washed hands, got towel ready on rack, washed hands, took shower, got out and dried off, washed hands, brushed teeth, washed hands, got dressed, washed hands, came downstairs, washed hands, got breakfast cereal, washed hands, ate breakfast, washed hands, etc. You get the drift. I called the school nurse and she referred him to the school counselor. Later that day the counselor called me and said she had visited with him and thought he might be depressed. "WHAT?!" "No", I thought, "he might be compulsive, but not depressed." That night I googled "childhood depression". The page said that if your child displays 3 or more of the 14 characteristics for more than 3 months, they may be depressed. Rocky had 11 symptoms, and had had them for most of his life.

I took him to the doctor. I took him to a child psychologist. We got him on Zoloft. Three months later while at a med check, I told the doctor what an amazingly different child he was! The doctor said, "Let me introduce you to your son." This is who he is, if his brain produced and held on to the correct balance of chemicals for the correct amount of time, this is who my son would be.

Rocky is a joy in my life! I am amazed by him and the things he does now. Bossy sister Robin can attest to the day we went skiing and Rocky got on the chairlift, by himself, and I stood in the lodge and cried. I couldn't believe his growth and independence.

Now our lives are richer, happier. He is confident and outgoing. The winter "blahs" are still very real in our home, but we are better prepared to cope with them.

Here are some of the things we have enjoyed in the past few years:

Lake Powell with friends.

Wake-boarding

Swimming in Florida, with the sharks (no kidding).

Boating and wake-boarding with friends.

Universal studios where Rocky rode "The Mummy" (awesome ride!) and convinced me to ride "The Hulk" with him.

Bridge-jumping at the cabin.

Oh my! That's a long drop!

Riding the ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier.

What I have learned is this, we must keep our minds open to the amazing potential our children have, even when they struggle and seem to be lost causes. Utilize the resources available to us, love them, and embrace every good moment!

Do Something Nice For Your Husband

by Emily

Or, if you don't have a husband, do something nice for someone who plays a major role in your life.

For me, the something nice is sometimes just a cheerful smile and can-do attitude. Sometimes its a house that is quickly picked up and dinner ready to go when he gets home from work, topped off with a cheerful, "Daddy's home! Yay!" (*kissy kissy hug hug squeeze*)


About 4 years ago when I was practicing my new role as a SAHM, I decided that for a week straight I would make a deliberate effort to do 3 things each evening when my husband arrived home from work (school):

1. Have the family room and kitchen picked up (just a quick 10 minute pick-up)
2. Have dinner made, or nearly made, when my husband got home (this was new, prior to this we had both been working hard equally outside the home, so dinner was a coin-toss and usually ended up with each-man-for-himself)
3. When he walked in the door: STOP what I was doing, GIVE him a kiss and a squeeze, LOOK him in the eye, and SAY something heartfelt ("I missed you!" "I'm so glad you're home!" "How has your day been?" "My favorite time of day is when you come home!") and LISTEN to him.

Every misguided feminist part of me resisted doing this--terribly. It was so...so...so Dr. Laura. So subservient-housewifish. I felt like I was too good to be relegated to this kind of servitude.

Luckily for me (and my family) I've learned a lot more about service since that time. What a week of marital bliss! I don't do that every evening anymore, but I am more consistent with dinner, and I understand what a difference those things make. I could go on about how it changed the feeling in our home when I did that experiment, I could go on about the miracle of love and service.

It's a good reminder to myself to recommit to those that I love most in life. I wonder what my next experiment should be? Oh yeah...going to bed at 9pm each night. I'm working on that. It's a good one too.

Have you ever done an experiment like this? What has taken you years to find out about your spouse/roommates/co-workers/parents/etc? I really, truly, sincerely want to know. Please share (you might inspire someone)!

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Most people wouldn't call me a sexpert even though I am very good at sex.

I've talked to my kids about sex. I wanted them to hear it from me before they heard it at school. I want them to look at me as the expert on all things, including sex, so they can ask me the questions that most parents dread hearing. I want them to have their own knowledge, opinion, and information when they are exposed to their classmate's views on sex so that it won't be a big deal. I want them to view sex as a beautiful private gift between husband and wife and empower them to control their bodies and respect their sexual power.

So I try to be pretty open about it. Use the right names for body parts, answer questions about making out, oral sex, masturbation, what ever they need to know, I want them to ask me. Now, don't be thinking that my kids are comfortable bringing this up - they never mention it. We have to start the discussion every time and it isn't easy.

Knowledge is power, baby. But there can be too much of a good thing.



Did you see this Oprah? When the sex therapist suggests introducing something to your 15 year old daughter, she is suggesting giving her a vibrator. Check out the link here.

What they don't show you in this clip is the teenage girl's reaction. She basically said that it wasn't right. Lots of moms said it wasn't right. I agree. Aren't we sexualizing our children enough without focusing on how to teach them to be more sexually active?

I'd love to see a follow up show on how to keep our children innocent and protect them. How to teach our daughter's that they don't need to hurry and grow up and buy into the sexual pressure they are getting from the world, and if Dr. Berman has her way, from their parents!

What bothers me the most about this is the idea that has been pushed for the last 30 years that "kids are going to do it anyway, so let's be as supportive and helpful as we can!". I can feel myself getting pretty worked up about this. So I will turn it over to you. What do you think? Would you buy your 15 year old daughter a vibrator? Why?

Last year, I posted a blog about how to talk to your kids about sex Click Here to read it.

How's that working for you?

by Kristen

I used to watch Dr. Phil and I always loved this question to his guests, "How's that working for you?" I like that question because it brings about a very important point... is what we are doing getting the results we want? It goes along with the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." So true!

When I was studying special education in college a professor was talking about using different types of discipline in the classroom, and whether they produce the desired effect. I loved the analogy he used. He said that if a child is misbehaving in class and you send them out to the hall, is that going to help eliminate the undesirable behavior? Well, it depends on how reinforcing it is out in the hall. If they can peek in other classrooms, goof off, draw, and visit with passers-by, then it probably will only increase the behavior that put them in the hall in the first place... the hall is more fun than the classroom.

In parenting we have to make these judgement calls all the time. Does putting your child in time-out stop the unpleasant behavior, or just temporarily give you a break? Does grounding your teenager due to low grades cause them to work harder to raise their grades, or does it just make them grouchy and unpleasant to be around, giving them the opportunity to stew in teenage angst (which seems to be rewarding to many teenagers). Does yelling, spanking, or ignoring your children's' arguments make them stop or just increase the intensity? Does buying them candy when they whine for it in the store make them more pleasant to shop with or does it simply teach them to whine louder, longer, and more often when they go shopping with you because they know there is a pay-off? (This applies to bedtime postponement behaviors as well).

Along with these tricky questions comes the whole "picking your battles" concept. I am a firm believer in this. NEVER tell your kid if they don't quit arguing you will cancel the birthday party, unless you REALLY WILL cancel the birthday party. That is a huge thing to follow through with. Instead, take a moment and decide what a realistic consequence is that you will actually follow through with.

Just last week I had to make some difficult decisions. I didn't ground my son (for poor grades), because I wasn't willing to put up with the moodiness, but I did threaten to take away his guitar (which induced a lesser degree of moodiness and a firm motivation to raise his grades), and I told him if he wasn't up in time for the bus, he would have to walk the 4 miles to school, because I would no longer bail him out. And I meant it. And he knew it. He started doing his homework and getting up on time. It comes down to yet another cliche "If you're going to talk the talk... you better be willing to walk the walk." It was a risk...if he didn't raise his grades, I would have to take his best friend away (guitar = best friend), if he didn't get up in time, I had to be willing to let him get a truancy for his 6th tardy because he had to walk to school. I almost didn't threaten that one, because... well, a truancy! But then again, he wasn't learning anything by sleeping in - maybe the truancy would teach him something more important.

What important lessons have you learned in your interactions with others, and yourself for that matter?

Art work by Norman Rockwell and Bill Watterson

Life, Love, Goals, and Things That Matter

by Kristen

The other day I was spending time with two friends of mine, I'll call them Lori and Lucy. Lori is rather slim, and Lucy is more like me, and would like to lose a large amount of weight. I was surprised how often in the short time (30 minutes) that we were together, that Lucy brought up her weight or her looks in a degrading way. We weren't talking about it, but she seemed to pull it into the conversation.

After Lucy left I mentioned to Lori that I wished Lucy wouldn't put herself down so often. Lori agreed with me and we went on talking about hair and other things. We didn't dwell on it, but later I thought about it again. I thought about my perceptions of her. Until that time, I had never really considered her weight at all. She was just a beautiful woman who was a friend. I was aware that she is larger than average, but hadn't spent a single thought on it.

I know other people to whom weight is of supreme importance. They can't have a conversation about food without bringing up weight, they can't describe someone without mentioning weight...and I don't mean like "Oh, she is tall and slim" or "well, she's got brown hair, she's shorter and a little bigger than average." No, I'm referring to the conversation that goes, "Well, she is really big, I mean, she's gained like 60 pounds since high school. She used to be so pretty. You know her brother has a weight problem too. It's so sad." As if that is the only feature of this person with any degree of importance.

Me in high school at about 117 lbs.

As a woman who has struggled with my weight since I thought I was huge and fat in high school weighing a grand total of 117, and eventually came to weigh at least twice that, I can tell you, my weight has almost nothing to do with who I am. It is not important to my success, my relationships, my personality, my morals, my beliefs, and my character. That is not to say it doesn't matter to me. The first sentence of this paragraph states that I have struggled. I have. It is difficult to be large, it is frustrating to try over and over and not find the success in this one arena of my life. I don't care to look at my naked body in a mirror, and I don't love shopping for clothes. I am still trying to lose weight. Every day I think about it, I think about some of the limitations it puts on me. I am aware of how society perceives me. Every day I make some effort, I exercise, I deny myself that cookie, that chocolate, etc. And yet I still am overweight... dare I say it? - Fat. But you know what, in spite of my weight, I really do like myself.

I am intelligent. I am attractive - I have great hair most of the time. I have beautiful eyes and a nice smile. I really like my nose. I have strong legs and a healthy functioning body, could it be healthier? Heck yes, but I still am grateful for it. I have a good sense of humor, and I am honest. I try to be considerate of others and I am a dang good mom! I am a loyal and hardworking employee. I enjoy spending time with my family and my friends. I have lots of varied interests including traveling, books, swimming, and pottery among others.

All this brings me back to Lucy, and the impact that weight has on us.

I remember about 5 years ago, I was at my heaviest weight and a woman who I didn't know very well came up to me at church and said, "You are one of the prettiest women I know. I love your hair and eyes." She has no idea what that meant to me. I can honestly say that I think it had been probably 5 years since anyone other than my husband had given me a compliment on my looks, not my clothes, but my looks.

So here is my bit of bossing for you today:

1) If you know someone who is heavier, get to know them, who are they really? What are their interests? Are they enjoyable to spend time with? They may be, they may not (not all fat people are jolly - and not all skinny women are bitches). But don't define them by their weight.

2) If you are larger yourself: Think about who you are. You are more than your weight, your body, your scale number. Think about what you like about yourself. Ask yourself what makes you a good friend, a good mom, a good sister, a good citizen. Learn to like yourself.

3) When you are out and about: compliment people, all people. Really look at them and find the beauty that God gave them. Find something wonderful to share with them. Tell them about a time they made a positive impact in your life. Or share a treasured memory of them to remind them that they have a place in your heart.

All of the Bossy Sisters, our mom, and Robin's oldest daughter in Mazatlan. Emily and Sally were both pregnant!

4) When you are talking with others: Don't talk about weight; yours, theirs, or anyone else's. Weight doesn't matter and it just makes you a bore to be around. And people question why you can't see past such a surface issue. Talk about life, love, goals, and things that matter.

And last of all...love yourself, regardless of your size!

Teach Your Children to Play by Themselves

by Emily

(Happy St. Patrick's Day! click here!)

When Sally had her first baby, we were lucky enough to live within an hour drive of each other. Because I was fairly newlywed and we were childless, I paid keen attention to this transition in Sally's life.

Which easily takes me on a tangent: being the youngest of 5 is awesome because you really do get so much out of watching your siblings go before you. In my case, I had the best examples. I have especially been watching Sally my whole life, as we are closest in age, and this "watching" has been done both inadvertently and intentionally.

Back to the point: I babysat my sweet nephew every chance I could get. I loved it. This was nothing new, I've been an aunt since I was 9, and I can remember each and every one of my nieces' and nephews' births and the magnitude of the occasion, how I felt my life touched and affected by each one individually.


But this was different, because all of a sudden, this time, it could be me.


Fast forward years later, and it is me.


So here is an important lesson I learned from Sally: Teach your children to play by themselves.

Oh, yes! It can be done! How, you ask? Prove it, you say in disbelief. I have a few short suggestions, and they may not jive with your parenting style, but it has worked for me, and I'm pretty sure it's worked for Sally.

1) Get DVR. Teach your child how to use the remote control.

2) Make snacks (fruit gummies, goldfish crackers, juice boxes) readily available, within your child's reach--you know, so they can help themselves.

3) Invest in a large library of VHS video tapes (because they're less easily ruined than DVDs) and teach your child how to use the VHS player.

4) Put all toys, markers, crayons, playdoh, etc. within arms reach for your child and let them have free reign.

5) Make sure your bathroom door has a lock on it, or maybe your bedroom door. This is so you can lock yourself in, and your children out, when the chaos hits the fan. You might consider some emergency rations in this room (chocolate, Dr. Pepper, a cordless phone, and some magazines...maybe a laptop with wireless internet).



HA! JUST KIDDING!


You didn't think I was serious, did you? Sally, did you really think I was going to soil your name on the World Wide Web like this? ;-)

No, the truth is, and we learn this again and again: an ounce of prevention is worth a stitch in time. No, wait. A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure? Hold on...that's not quite right...

Aphorisms are repeated again and again because of one thing: they teach a simple truth that we tend to need to learn over and over.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

A little effort upfront will save you a lot of effort and frustration down the road--and isn't this true to just about everything in life, including all aspects of parenting?

One of the first things I did (and I got this wisdom from Sally, not that garbage above), is that when my sweet little newborn awakens in the morning, or after a nap, and said baby is happily playing or cooing in the crib...as much as I may want to go in and scoop babyliciousness up in my arms, I let that baby play. He is happy. Alone. By himself. Playing. Entertaining himself. Not demanding anything.

THIS IS A SKILL that must be learned. Start early.

Another tip: ROUTINES (I totally struggle with this).

I wish my "routine" were a little more routine, like this:

Wake up (get myself dressed and fed, before kids wake up)
Kids dressed
Breakfast

Alone play time (sometimes I put on some child-friendly music to help, sometimes I deliberately get the kids "set-up" with an activity and then leave them alone to continue)

Snack
Walk? Library? Playgroup? (usually just more playtime)

Lunch
Naps

Wake-up snack
My oldest child has been doing "Preschool Pages" (from a workbook) after "nap" time, I direct her to get her started, then she does it ALONE

Playtime (by this point in the day I need to stop what I'm doing and spend some good playtime with my kids--reading books, or playing on the floor, going outside)

(maybe a nice, single video while I get dinner ready)

Dinner
PJs
Family Scripture Study
Family Prayer
Book
BEDTIME @ 7:00pm!

Celebration because kids are in bed!
Do something enjoyable
Go to bed early

(This is what I strive for, not what I actually do...)
I'm also a strong believer in organization of toys. If you have known me from my childhood, this will make you laugh because I always had the messiest room (please, let's not hog up the comments section with "hilarious" anecdotes of how messy my room was, okay? That's just so... unoriginal...;-))

Though I believe in ORGANIZATION, I don't really know how to do it. So don't ask me how.

Messy toys DO NOT GET PLAYED WITH. Which then results in bored children, which then results in parents being constantly nagged by kids who can't seem to play by themselves.

Finally, one last tip. I just refuse to let my life be dictated by a 3 year old. Ha! How rediculous of a statement is that? Let's be honest, who is in control here, me or she? I'm laughing because the truth is, I love her, and I pay sincere attention to her needs. It is "She" who must be obeyed. So let's have a sense of humor about this. Sometimes though, if she is bored, that is just her problem, and she needs the opportunity to figure it out.

How I respond to these repeated pleas of attention due to boredom differs day to day. Sometimes I just ignore her--I'll tell her, "I'm sorry, but you have to decide by yourself what to do right now. Right now it is Mommy's turn to do some work alone, and it is (child's name here)'s turn to play or work by yourself. You're in charge of finding something to do," and then I turn my back (turn on my mommy-sonar listening ears) and pretend to not notice her display of displeasure.

Sometimes I give in, and all it takes is 10 minutes of undivided attention and love to fill her emotional bucket, and then she's good, and I'm good, and it turned out to be the best 10 minutes of my day (her day too).

And then sometimes...I put a video in, and turn off the guilt switch.

We have to be kind to our kids, we have to try to teach them (give them the opportunity to learn this skill, even if you feel like your being a mean mommy by doing it) to play by themselves. But do it deliberately. And don't be so hard on yourself. And try to laugh. And...and...and...

I feel like these things have really helped. I am always looking for new tricks of the trade, so PLEASE share any wisdom and suggestions--or maybe just humor--we can all use a good laugh ;-)

Grief

by Sally

Joyce, years ago, with one of my little ones.

Two weeks ago yesterday, I lost someone who I love. Her name is Joyce Ann Peterson Jarrard. Joyce had four kids, who are all grown and married and having families of their own. She was a really wonderful, sweet, kind, fun woman. She has worked hard her whole life to raise her children well, serve in her church, be a good friend, sister and daughter, and also helped support the family by working on and off. She was a great person. And such an incredibly loving and supportive grandma. We lived in the same town as her for over 10 years (we moved away last year), and I am lucky that I got to know her well and love her. She had a positive impact on my life, frequently. I really love her and I care about her family. She died of cancer. It started as colon cancer more than a year ago, and they thought she beat it, but it came back and took her. She was only 59. We knew it was coming and if that made it easier on those of us who care about her, I hate to think what it would be like if we hadn't had warning.



The week after she died, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I would be distracted and feel normal, then 10 seconds later I felt like my soul was being runover by a train. I was devastated by Joyce's death. But I felt like I should have been able to cope with it much, much better. I have had over 7 months to deal with this knowledge, that this would happen. We went to visit Joyce in November, and while I hoped I would see her again at least one more time, I knew it was unlikely and I really mourned her after that trip. I thought it had sunk in that I would lose Joyce in my life, and my heart ached for her beloved children and grandchildren and husband.



Instead, in the week following her death, I could hardly function. I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried all day and I could not pull myself together. One of the many things I've learned over the past few weeks is that it's very difficult to prepare for the death of a loved one. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong, and I don't know if you can truly prepare for such a thing.



I'm so sad that she is really gone and I've lost her in my life. I am so very sorry for her children, husband, her sister and brother, all of her relatives and friends. Surely her family's grief dwarfs mine, and I wish I could somehow give them comfort.



The saying that you don't know what you have until it is gone is true! I didn't realize the magnitude of Joyce's impact on my life until I spent a week reflecting on what she has meant to me.



I met Joyce because she is my husband's aunt. We became friends, and over the course of 10 years, she and I saw each other about once a month but sometimes much more frequently. If we hadn't talked for 2-3 weeks she would call me, then I would call her back when the kids were in bed or occupied, and we'd talk on the phone for at least an hour each time. I loved to visit with her and we could talk forever. My husband was traveling frequently at that time, and she brought me dinner every 3-4 months just out of the blue, for probably 5 years! When she finished chemo last year, we were packing up to move, and she brought me dinner even though she was still sick from chemo! I protested when she called me but she said she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Joyce helped throw baby showers and came to the hospital when each of my kids were born. She had the cutest smile and a great, friendly laugh that filled a room. She was 100% sincere and she cared very much for the people around her. She told me a lot about her family, her concerns and love for her children and grandchildren. She was a very proud grandma and I am so sorry her grandchildren have lost her. We talked frequently when Joyce's parents lived with Joyce & Craig, and Jason and I would go with the kids to take them (my husband's grandparents) to In-n-Out for lunch. We had our son's birthday party at her house last summer because we were in boxes to move. We had lots of holidays and get-togethers at her house and at ours.

Joyce loved to play games, one of her favorites was CatchPhrase. She always had toys for her grandkids and always got them out when my kids were there. She showed a sincere, loving interest in my children. She loved her family so much, and her extended family. She was an important person in many lives, not just her immediate family, but her nieces Becky and Jennie, her sister-in-law Mary, and the children she worked with at church, whom she adored. My mother-in-law counted Joyce as her best friend and is heartbroken at her loss. Joyce's life, every bit of it, was a benefit to those around her.



Joyce helped me to know my mother-in-law better. I would see many good qualities in Joyce, because I saw her so frequently, and then easily identify those same good qualities in my MIL. Being close to Joyce helped me to really love my mother-in-law, who I now count as one of my best friends.



I am really going to miss Joyce. Joyce being gone redefines my relationship with the world, in a small way, but nonetheless--the world is changed. It's hard to believe. Going to the funeral last weekend was therapeutic, and helped me to accept that this is what must be. It was beautiful to see her children and grandchildren and the strength of their love for each other. It was amazing to see the hundreds of people at her funeral, and uplifting and inspiring to hear her sister, children and friends speak about her. I was impressed to realize that while Joyce was special in my life, she was that way for many people. What an incredible legacy.



I do believe that I will see Joyce again, and get to spend as much time with her as I like. I know that her husband, children and grandchildren will get to hug and kiss and play and make silly jokes with her again. I am grateful for this, and I know she is with her parents now and I do believe that she is out of her pain and probably very happy. But until we get to see her again, we will truly miss her.

The most important thing I have learned is that I don't want to wait until I am forced to reflect on someone's impact on my life. I want to appreciate, deeply, the love and kindness of my friends and family--right now. I want to tell them how positively they impact my life and that I love them. I hope you will too.



Joyce, I will always remember you as a good friend to me. I am so grateful that I lived by you and got to have you in my life. Thank you for being so wonderful. We love you, Aunt Joyce.

The Numbing

by Emily

Exhibit A: The Numbing

Dilbert

Joe clipped this cartoon from the local paper's funnies over 5 years ago. It still comes to mind at random times in life. Recently I thought of it in humorous terms as a SAHM. I think it translates pretty well, don't you?


Exhibit B: The Smothering

The Sword in the Stone

"Um, Merlin? How will we get by?" and then to the girl squirrel, "Go on! Go on! You've got lots of room!"

Those squirrels are so darn cute! This cartoon makes me laugh out loud. I love the choreography of the tails, the absolute certainty of the girl squirrel--absolutely certain that the boy squirrel is just as in love with her and she is with him.

It reminds me of my children and captures so well how I often feel. They're SO cute, and sometimes I think I'm about to go CRAZY CAKES on them if they do not "go on! go on!" or "leave me alone" or "go away" or realize that there is "lots of room" for all of us. Just like the Wart (future King Arthur) is trying to figure out how to "get by" the squirrel, I sometimes feel like I spend my entire day trying to "get by" my kids--there is so much to do! It is all so important (you know) like dishes, laundry, meal prep, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!

There is a story my Bossy sister Robin tells that I love. It goes something like this: while watching old family videos and nearly weeping at the cuteness and littleness of her children, she hears a horrible, horrible thing in the background. Here are these adorable squeaky voices of Hannah, Gabe, and Noah in all their smallness and sweetness. And there it is again--the horrible thing in the background. It is mom. Mom's exasperated, annoyed, I'm-about-to-go-CRAZY-CAKES-on-you-all-if-you-don't-knock-it-off-right-now voice.

Only, in Robin's telling of the story it is much funnier, and she'll say something about how surely that wasn't her in the background behind the scenes! That must have been some other wicked-step-mother. She felt nothing but love and never-ending-patience for her children. All the time. Every minute. Every day.

Exhibit C: The Moment

I know that the dishes and the laundry and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning can wait. I know that. But I don't always feel that. Bossy sister Melissa has a quote on her blog that I love, that I will steal and share (I think I need to laminate it and tape it to my forehead):

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” Anna Quindlen

So here's to the Numbing, the Smothering, and the Moment: Love is a Powerful Thing. At least that's what Merlin says to future King Arthur after their adventure as squirrels. I believe it, and I'll try not to forget it.

BFF

By Robin

Women need women.

All through elementary, middle, and high school I wanted a best friend. Someone I could buy a friendship bracelet for. I had friends, but not a *best* friend. Even in college, I had fun roommates, but still no *best* friend.

Until I met Roland. He was my best friend. But, (you knew there would be a but here, right?) but he wasn't a girl. When I went on and on about a topic I could tell he was trying to keep his eyes from rolling back in his head. I knew I needed a girl friend. Women need women. I think men are fine without men, but women need women.

As newlyweds we had lots of friends. Roland played basketball at Boise State University and everyone wanted to be friends with us. I loved those friends. We did fun and exciting things together. We were young and beautiful. But still, not a *best* friend in the group. I always felt a little unsure of myself and a little lonely, even when we were having fun.

When I was 28 we moved into a new neighborhood, and sure enough those friends faded. And my need for a friend, a *best* friend, grew. I remember going to church in our new ward, looking around and wondering who I could possibly find as a friend. Slowly I made friends. I met wonderful women who I admired and enjoyed. One day I was on a walk with one of those beautiful women, Ann, and I told her how someone had mentioned to me to watch out for the cliques at church. I was bothered by it and didn't want to be perceived as a cliquish girl. Ann stopped dead in the street and said, "Oh, don't listen to that silliness. It's just silly." she waved her hand as if to sweep it off the table and I fell in love with her. I knew she was going to be my *Best* friend. I wanted to hug her right then, I was so relieved, but I didn't want to scare her off. So I acted all cool.

Choosing Ann as a best friend meant that Suzanne would be part of the bundle. I admired Suzanne. She was stunning. And her children were beautiful. And her husband too. She was gracious and kind and well mannered.

Our friendships grew through gardening. I had a new yard and took as many plants as they would give me. They shared all their garden secrets. Ann walked all the time and would stop at my house, interrupting dinner, to tell me what bugs were eating my petunias, show me how to prune my overgrown roses, dead head my perennials and so on. Suzanne would call and invite me to shop for flower pots. The three of us would head off together and laugh more than we shopped. Never did I feel so at home with women who weren't my sisters.

Their kids are older than mine by a few years. So I watched them go through the teenage years (quite gracefully) and weddings and now grandchildren. I copied them. I ran to them for advice. I could complain and worry about my children to them and feel safe. I knew they loved my kids and would always love them.

Suzanne, Me, Ann - BFFs

They helped me through my parent's divorce and then we helped Ann through her divorce. I think it was the divorces that really jelled the friendships, really made us more than friends, like sisters. They were one of the major the reasons I didn't want to move from Boise. I literally thank God for them.

You can't take a friendship like that for granted. I don't.

My parents always told me to be picky about who I hung out with. That advice still rings true. But finding a BFF doesn't always happen naturally. Here is my advice on how to find that Best Friend:

"What To Look For In A Best Friend"

1. Trustworthiness. This means no gossip. Not even about people you don't like. It's easier to confide in someone who is confidential. You are safe.
2. Humor. Someone who can laugh when things go wrong and can laugh at herself, even if she is crying.
   
3. Honesty. She's going to gently tell you that you need a new hair stylist, you need to be nicer to your husband, and give you the advice you really need to hear.
   
4. Kindness. A friend with a generous spirit and compassionate heart can make life easier. I once hosted a wedding lunch in my back yard and Ann and Suzanne came over very early in the morning and cleaned my yard, straightening leaves on the plants and fluffing dirt.
5. Confidence. Its so nice to be with a confident woman who trusts herself to do what is right.

Now you may already have this friend. If you do, treat her like gold. Send her a sweet little note today telling her that you love her. If you don't, don't worry. Wait and watch. When you find this person, be the best friend to her that you can.

The Functional Family

by Emily

My top 2 desires as a blogger are to: 1) make you laugh (that brings me great satisfaction) and 2) help create world peace (can't do it alone!). In today's post, I attempt #2 in a small way.


Recently my husband and I got away for a long weekend without the kids. The 7 hour drive was wonderful and strange and even dull in some ways. I found myself struggling with maintaining a thoughtful conversation for more than a few minutes at a time. My brain is trained to think in short minute increments--as I am constantly being interrupted by my 1 & 3 year old. It was so restful not having to crane my head and neck around, reaching far back in the car to pass out treats or pick up a dropped toy.

The whole weekend was wonderful, eating out (without the kids), conversations uninterrupted, unlimited in our flexibility to do what we want when we wanted. But it was also kind of strange, like that 7 hour drive to get there. It was too long away from the kids and not long enough.


It has made me think a lot lately about my relationships with my family members, my husband in particular, and my children individually.

A few mornings ago I found an article Joe had been reading, "The Functional Family" by James D. MacArthur, PhD (Director of BYU's Counseling and Career Center). This article was extremely relevant to things I've been meditating on lately, specifically strengthening my family and prioritizing family relationships.

{If you haven't read Sally's interview with Joy (yesterday's post), go read it now. It is wonderful, thought provoking, and I gained so many insights from Joy sharing her experience and wisdom.}

While there were so many different issues of importance brought up in the interview with Joy, these are two things stood out to me in Joy's interview answers (yesterday's post, go read it now!)--her and Scott's deliberate plans and actions to take care of their relationship with each other and their children during this great trial. She says: "I think our marriage has been strengthened by this experience. We have watched each other shoulder amazing burdens and overcome obstacles for each of us that amazed us."

But do we want to wait for burdens as an excuse/motivator to build our relationships? I don't think any one does, and I thought Joy said it so well: "Maybe I will think differently about good things coming from this experience when I look back many years from now, but right now it feels too raw and painful to see much positive. I thought at first when I answered I would write about how it has brought me closer to certain friends who have really been there for me. And while this is true, I would rather have gotten closer to them through a positive experience instead. "

I don't want to wait for a major trial to force me to think about this. When we are faced with an unusual amount of stress or strain in our life, we can choose how we are going to handle it, learn and grow from it. But, like Joy said, I would rather get closer to my husband and my children through positive experiences instead. If I can be spared a trial like Joy's, I hope God will spare me that--but I want that bonding and strengthening, and I think that in my search on how to do this, I am finding ways to foster and grow my relationship with my husband and my children through positive experiences.


Two points that Dr. MacArthur makes stand out to me:

1) In a functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.

2) In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance.

Joy talked about how they decided to use their rainy-day fund to pay for the extra help they needed during this temporary time in their life. She talked about deliberately scheduled days so that time could be spent with each member of the family, but also about accepting help from others with her daughter so that her daughter's emotional needs are met.

Dr. MacArthur suggests some obvious and simple things for those of us who are not in crisis mode, and though they are obvious, I appreciated being reminded of these things (I like to read this list with each individual family member in mind):

• talk together


• play together


• one-on-one time together


• send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection


• give compliments


• do something fun and unexpected


• say "I love you"


• listen to the other person


• ask him or her to help you on a project


• share personal feelings

He says, "All of these require that you personally get engaged in things the other person is doing...you might be surprised at how far-reaching your positive influence can be."

So many of you, readers, have been specific examples to me of these things.

My own mother and her husband make very conscious efforts to accommodate each others' needs, whether it's mom's need to travel to visit children, or Alan's need to work creatively with his instruments.

I've watched my parents-in-law go from a full house to an empty nest and all children married in a matter of 5 years. I see them putting a concerted effort into their marriage now that the children are grown and "out of the way". They've always been loving to each other, doing acts of service for each other, but I've noticed they've stepped it up a notch. It is beautiful.

My friend Hilary posts the most genuine posts of love for her children and husband, and a recent post about her husband's efforts to re-create a special memory of their high school romance. They've been a couple for a long time, and I can see how their love makes them want to do things for each other, but also how that cycle repeats, and the doing things for each other increases their love.

I see my sister Robin who has been married the longest of us Bossy Sisters, and how she and Roland put endless hours and efforts of love into their children, their marriage. One of the things I love most about R&R is their sense of humor to get through life and enjoy each other's company. One of the things I admire the most in their family is the absolute devotion they have to their children. When I read "The Functional Family" article, I can think of specific examples of how R&R have fulfilled every single category that Dr. MacArthur puts forth to have a loving, stable family. Anyone who knows them will attest to the love they have for each other.

This is to say that when life is stripped away to its bare minimal components, I want to see strong, loving relationships at its foundation. I want to know that my efforts were intentional. I want to be ready and make the same kind of decisions that I've seen you make everyday, and also in times of trauma and crisis to strengthen and uphold each other. I want to do that now with deliberate positive experiences that we create.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I love my husband. I cannot imagine building a life with anyone else. Our children are precious to us, it almost makes me panic to think about teaching them and equipping them adequately for this life. But I think I'm learning that its not enough to just love, you have to do something about it--consistently. It is never ending and it can continue to grow.

{Now, hopefully my next post will make you laugh.}