Most people wouldn't call me a sexpert even though I am very good at sex.
I've talked to my kids about sex. I wanted them to hear it from me before they heard it at school. I want them to look at me as the expert on all things, including sex, so they can ask me the questions that most parents dread hearing. I want them to have their own knowledge, opinion, and information when they are exposed to their classmate's views on sex so that it won't be a big deal. I want them to view sex as a beautiful private gift between husband and wife and empower them to control their bodies and respect their sexual power.
So I try to be pretty open about it. Use the right names for body parts, answer questions about making out, oral sex, masturbation, what ever they need to know, I want them to ask me. Now, don't be thinking that my kids are comfortable bringing this up - they never mention it. We have to start the discussion every time and it isn't easy.
Knowledge is power, baby. But there can be too much of a good thing.
Did you see this Oprah? When the sex therapist suggests introducing something to your 15 year old daughter, she is suggesting giving her a vibrator. Check out the link here.
What they don't show you in this clip is the teenage girl's reaction. She basically said that it wasn't right. Lots of moms said it wasn't right. I agree. Aren't we sexualizing our children enough without focusing on how to teach them to be more sexually active?
I'd love to see a follow up show on how to keep our children innocent and protect them. How to teach our daughter's that they don't need to hurry and grow up and buy into the sexual pressure they are getting from the world, and if Dr. Berman has her way, from their parents!
What bothers me the most about this is the idea that has been pushed for the last 30 years that "kids are going to do it anyway, so let's be as supportive and helpful as we can!". I can feel myself getting pretty worked up about this. So I will turn it over to you. What do you think? Would you buy your 15 year old daughter a vibrator? Why?
Last year, I posted a blog about how to talk to your kids about sex Click Here to read it.
21 comments:
Absoluteley NOT... Never would I buy a vibrator for a 15 year old daughter or granddaughter.... For heaven sakes.... this is something she will buy for herself someday if and when she deems it necessary... That sex therapist is full of dog doo doo.
DI
The Blue Ridge Gal
The world today seems to revolve around sex and our "sexual selves". As a teenager this over emphasis on sex left both my husband and I unprepared for the natural process of maturation in our relationship. When sex became less of a focus for me in particular, we went through a range of emotions. Why wasn't my sexual self crucil to me and my well being and did that mean I was weird or that I didn't love my husband as much?
Sex holds it's place in my life but it's certainly not at the forefront as most evening network TV dramas would have you believe is normal.
I am going to teach my daughter about the wide range of experiences life has to offer. If she is needing male influence then she can go on a date with her daddy. And I have no problem talking to her frankly about sex. But I think I'd prefer her to be thinking about what she might like her life to look like as a whole, not to be obsessed with sex. And what will giving a vibrator do to a hormonal teenager. They'll think about nothing else and be ill prepared for life and it's many complexities.
Did you read the comments on the link? The mom's were pretty much saying, "NO." But...not for the same reason you would say no to it, instead they feel like it is too embarrassing and they would rather "wait" until their daughter asks them about it (never going to happen) or, one mother even said she'd prefer to wait until, "some one will come along and introduce the idea to her..."
Um, someone else? Someone being, not you? Someone who is going to give your daughter a vibrator, and their own philosophy on sex?
No thanks. I'd rather do it myself (NOT give a vibrator, NO, but be the one to talk about sex and topics that relate to it with her first...)
I agree with Robin's advice, which I think is to be the primary source of information to your children. Give them the foundation you want them to have, the context they need to be able to process these issue as they grow into it.
I ditto the other 2 comments prior to mine.
Great comments so far.
This topic makes me angry. I do absolutely believe that parents should talk to their children about sex, early so that they are the main source of information. BUT. Talking about sex is different than encouraging sex. Not all teens are having sex or obsessed with it. I wasn't, and I wasn't a teenager that long ago! Of course there are plenty of teens who do, which is why it's important to be really in tune with your children.
I am so glad that I am my children's mom...and not Dr. Berman.
Love Sally's comment. Sex is great, but comes with a whole lot of responsibilities. Save money on a vibrator and put it toward a scooter or a tennis racket or French lessons. Something that will "turn them on" to life...not premature, uncommitted sex.
So I don't know any of you cute Sisters but I am Jolyn Buhrleys "adopted Sister" and saw your headline and wondered if it was about that show.. I had to tun off the show on Friday when they talked about it a second time I was so AGGREVATED! Let me start out to say that I am not a mother but I have worked with teens for years in the EFY program and also at a rehabilitation program. When working at the rehab they made "self love" something that was accepted and welcomed as "personal time" after I had worked there 6 months before it was ok. What happened when we embraced this concept? All hell broke loose. We had kids molesting eachother because they didn't know how to control themselves anymore. The state was called in so many times because of rape reports that had to be filed.The place nearly got shut down. You give girls free rein to masterbate in all forms you create sex addicts and teen pregnancy rates will rise.. you mark my words.. I watched it flip my rehab in 3 months time! Oprah is too mch for me anymore.. what happened to the good old days?!
I agree with what you said Robin about having your kids hear it from you.
Why any parent would encourage the use of a vibrator for their teen is way beyond me.
I love what Gab said about doing what we can to turn our kids "onto life...not premature, uncommitted sex."
Amen Bossy sistas.
Now brace yourselves because Oprah is having another show about talking to teens about sex. It may be today.
I would like to thank Oprah for scaring the crap out of me yesterday about teens and social networking. I already forbid my kid from having a facbook page. She thinks I'm mean. It opened up the discussion for us as I related to her the story of the girl who was lured away by her CELL PHONE into the hands of evil. Then there was the girl who was held captive as a sex slave for 4 days. I think I scared the crap out of my girl too.
I enojoyed that Oprah episode up until the point of masturbation, at which point I got uncomfortable. And then I found the vibrator discussion disturbing and appalling. I would never give my teenage daughter such an item to make sure she was daily exploring her sexual stimulation. Sex is more than just about you and your jollies.
Meg - That is amazing! Of course we didn't hear about that on Oprah. I am so glad you shared that with us.
I watched this episode of Oprah, and it made me sick. I think some of the suggestions would make kids more interested in sex, rather than just being educated.
No. No. No. No. How on earth is this even thought of as a good idea? Yes. Educate your children, in a respectful, sacred way. Teach them that there is a time and place when sex is a good thing, and not something to be ashamed of. Its natural. Its beautiful. IN THE PROPER TIME AND PLACE. Talk about desensitizing your children! Personally, I would rather have my daughters first orgasm come from the man she loves and chose to marry, rather than a vibrating plastic penis replica at the age of 15. The ‘sexual awakening’ does not need to happen that early, especially from a vibrator. They need to be aware, yes, but not EXPERIENCE IT!!! This makes me so upset. Just one more reason why I do not watch Oprah...
I am not a prude but I can't even say the word vibrator without breaking out into a sweat. Same thing with masturbation. It is out job to educate and protect their innocence. Now I need to email you.
Meg's comment is so scary and crazy! It makes sense though that teaching "self love" will lead to more sex addiction and perversion. It is so sick and wrong. I could go off on Oprah right now. I haven't watched her in years- she is an anti-Christ in my opinion. I 100% agree in teaching your kids about sex when they are young. But society is completely out of control when it comes to this topic and it takes a lot of work as moms to keep our kids on the right track and with the right values. I appreciate hearing from other women who believe the same as I do on this.
I'm so glad you brought this up. I have tuned into Dr. Berman's radio show on XM a few time, one of them being on this topic. I was shocked that she would suggest buying a vibrator for your daughter along with your own! Holy Cow! I had to turn her off at that point and become appalled that she made it onto national radio.
I echo Gabi. Spend the money on something enriching. Seek after things that are virtuous, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy. Pretty sure a vibrator does not qualify.
Robin, check out this article by Orson Scott Card about responsible parenting and the dangers of giving in or giving to much to your children. It is a favorite of mine:
http://www.ornery.org/essays/warwatch/2005-04-17-1.html
Finally! I can leave a comment.
I don't have too much to say other than what's been said, however.
Vibrators for teens? Um, NO!!!!! I loved many things the show had to say in teaching your daughters about sex and respecting their bodies, etc. But then it started into the vibrator self stimulation/masturbation stuff and I disagreed. Teens need to be counseled on self control and the respecting their bodies and not giving in every time they want to feel good.
I have nothing new to add, I really liked Saquel's point about how sex is just one aspect of adult life.
I would like to comment on Robin's first phrase of this post.
Robin, if you are really good at sex, then you must be a sexpert! So thanks for sharing that!
Great post, great comments. I didn't dare click the video before now because I constantly have kids at my shoulder... but YIKES. Hell in a handbasket anyone?
Additional thought... What kind of doctor is this woman? I tried googling her, but our porn-proof computer blocks every site with her name on it. LOL.
Good grief.
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