Good Enough

by Emily

This fall I started school again full time, working on my Master's degree in Literature. I'm doing it for the money.

(read: sarcasm)

There is a lot to talk about here--a lot about the change of pace, and the weird feeling of living a double life. Mostly there is a lot to talk about my constant reflection and reevaluating the situation as it affects our family, most especially our children.

In a "letter" to my sisters on our private forum, I wrote the following:

"So, I'm having one of those weeks, day after day, where I keep thinking "Who am I kidding? I thought I could do this?" It is getting ROUGH.


This time of year is always hectic, and with school now--and all the church activities and services, I have a hard time not feeling a bit...resentful? Like, between Monday and Sunday, I don't have a single "free-day" to catch up on all the stuff that has slipped through the cracks--some of it pretty essential stuff. But then I ask: how I would change it? Would I want to be released from Primary (Primary is Sunday School for children ages 3-11), or quit school, or just never be home and always work super hard up on campus away from all distractions? And I realize I wouldn't change any of those things. I like being in the Primary, school has been really good for me, and most of all, my kids are the most important of all these things to me--and I want to be home with them as much as possible."

I have to get used to doing things so that they are "good enough," and that is new and hard for me.

Joe is doing even more household and parenting things than what he's already used to doing (which is to say, he's always been very active in those areas of our family life). Even so, the floor is often icky, and the clean laundry may not get folded before it is worn and needs washing again, and my 2 & 4 yr olds will keep on running in circles, laughing and whining. My hair might stick up kinda funny, and I'll probably choose the comfortable shoes over the cute ones. But let's be honest--was it much different before I started school? It's not as if I was ever a stellar housekeeper. I do make good food though--when I have time.

So here's my pat on my own back: we keep on making time for family dinner even if it is frozen Bertolli meals (I recommend the ones with shrimp). And if you're lucky you'll still be invited over to our house for that dinner, but the house may be less tidy than before, and the dessert might also come from the freezer (ice cream). And the Sunday School lessons will still be just as every bit delivered from the heart, but the handouts might not have pretty ribbon or glitter glue on them. And the homework gets done, and I'm reading faster everyday.

And still the best part of my day isn't nailing that class presentation or paper, but coming home to my family for our daily dinner, pajama, scripture/prayer, and bed routine. That, and stealing one last glimpse and kiss when my babies are fast asleep.

The replies I got from my Bossy Sisters let me know that 1) they believe in me, 2) they love me, 3) they've been there too (haven't we all?), and 4) they are good listeners.

Here is just a snippet:

"Let the little things go. If that doesn't work, let the mid-size things go. :) "
-Bossy Sister Melissa

"You have taken on a serious challenge and you are rising to meet the demands. You can do this! I think you will always be glad you did it."
-Bossy Sister Sally

"I understand completely. It is really hard but you can do hard things. I love you. Hang in there. You are amazing."
-Bossy Sister Robin


And finally, the one that made me laugh the most:

"Well, you took a pretty big bite. I wouldn't be surprised if you have to chew with your mouth open and a few little crumbs fall out."
-Bossy but Wise (and funny) Robin



Is there anything in your life that you're willing to admit to doing just "good enough"? What secret tricks of the trade can you share with me? (I need them!)

Do Something Nice For Your Husband

by Emily

Or, if you don't have a husband, do something nice for someone who plays a major role in your life.

For me, the something nice is sometimes just a cheerful smile and can-do attitude. Sometimes its a house that is quickly picked up and dinner ready to go when he gets home from work, topped off with a cheerful, "Daddy's home! Yay!" (*kissy kissy hug hug squeeze*)


About 4 years ago when I was practicing my new role as a SAHM, I decided that for a week straight I would make a deliberate effort to do 3 things each evening when my husband arrived home from work (school):

1. Have the family room and kitchen picked up (just a quick 10 minute pick-up)
2. Have dinner made, or nearly made, when my husband got home (this was new, prior to this we had both been working hard equally outside the home, so dinner was a coin-toss and usually ended up with each-man-for-himself)
3. When he walked in the door: STOP what I was doing, GIVE him a kiss and a squeeze, LOOK him in the eye, and SAY something heartfelt ("I missed you!" "I'm so glad you're home!" "How has your day been?" "My favorite time of day is when you come home!") and LISTEN to him.

Every misguided feminist part of me resisted doing this--terribly. It was so...so...so Dr. Laura. So subservient-housewifish. I felt like I was too good to be relegated to this kind of servitude.

Luckily for me (and my family) I've learned a lot more about service since that time. What a week of marital bliss! I don't do that every evening anymore, but I am more consistent with dinner, and I understand what a difference those things make. I could go on about how it changed the feeling in our home when I did that experiment, I could go on about the miracle of love and service.

It's a good reminder to myself to recommit to those that I love most in life. I wonder what my next experiment should be? Oh yeah...going to bed at 9pm each night. I'm working on that. It's a good one too.

Have you ever done an experiment like this? What has taken you years to find out about your spouse/roommates/co-workers/parents/etc? I really, truly, sincerely want to know. Please share (you might inspire someone)!

The Functional Family

by Emily

My top 2 desires as a blogger are to: 1) make you laugh (that brings me great satisfaction) and 2) help create world peace (can't do it alone!). In today's post, I attempt #2 in a small way.


Recently my husband and I got away for a long weekend without the kids. The 7 hour drive was wonderful and strange and even dull in some ways. I found myself struggling with maintaining a thoughtful conversation for more than a few minutes at a time. My brain is trained to think in short minute increments--as I am constantly being interrupted by my 1 & 3 year old. It was so restful not having to crane my head and neck around, reaching far back in the car to pass out treats or pick up a dropped toy.

The whole weekend was wonderful, eating out (without the kids), conversations uninterrupted, unlimited in our flexibility to do what we want when we wanted. But it was also kind of strange, like that 7 hour drive to get there. It was too long away from the kids and not long enough.


It has made me think a lot lately about my relationships with my family members, my husband in particular, and my children individually.

A few mornings ago I found an article Joe had been reading, "The Functional Family" by James D. MacArthur, PhD (Director of BYU's Counseling and Career Center). This article was extremely relevant to things I've been meditating on lately, specifically strengthening my family and prioritizing family relationships.

{If you haven't read Sally's interview with Joy (yesterday's post), go read it now. It is wonderful, thought provoking, and I gained so many insights from Joy sharing her experience and wisdom.}

While there were so many different issues of importance brought up in the interview with Joy, these are two things stood out to me in Joy's interview answers (yesterday's post, go read it now!)--her and Scott's deliberate plans and actions to take care of their relationship with each other and their children during this great trial. She says: "I think our marriage has been strengthened by this experience. We have watched each other shoulder amazing burdens and overcome obstacles for each of us that amazed us."

But do we want to wait for burdens as an excuse/motivator to build our relationships? I don't think any one does, and I thought Joy said it so well: "Maybe I will think differently about good things coming from this experience when I look back many years from now, but right now it feels too raw and painful to see much positive. I thought at first when I answered I would write about how it has brought me closer to certain friends who have really been there for me. And while this is true, I would rather have gotten closer to them through a positive experience instead. "

I don't want to wait for a major trial to force me to think about this. When we are faced with an unusual amount of stress or strain in our life, we can choose how we are going to handle it, learn and grow from it. But, like Joy said, I would rather get closer to my husband and my children through positive experiences instead. If I can be spared a trial like Joy's, I hope God will spare me that--but I want that bonding and strengthening, and I think that in my search on how to do this, I am finding ways to foster and grow my relationship with my husband and my children through positive experiences.


Two points that Dr. MacArthur makes stand out to me:

1) In a functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.

2) In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance.

Joy talked about how they decided to use their rainy-day fund to pay for the extra help they needed during this temporary time in their life. She talked about deliberately scheduled days so that time could be spent with each member of the family, but also about accepting help from others with her daughter so that her daughter's emotional needs are met.

Dr. MacArthur suggests some obvious and simple things for those of us who are not in crisis mode, and though they are obvious, I appreciated being reminded of these things (I like to read this list with each individual family member in mind):

• talk together


• play together


• one-on-one time together


• send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection


• give compliments


• do something fun and unexpected


• say "I love you"


• listen to the other person


• ask him or her to help you on a project


• share personal feelings

He says, "All of these require that you personally get engaged in things the other person is doing...you might be surprised at how far-reaching your positive influence can be."

So many of you, readers, have been specific examples to me of these things.

My own mother and her husband make very conscious efforts to accommodate each others' needs, whether it's mom's need to travel to visit children, or Alan's need to work creatively with his instruments.

I've watched my parents-in-law go from a full house to an empty nest and all children married in a matter of 5 years. I see them putting a concerted effort into their marriage now that the children are grown and "out of the way". They've always been loving to each other, doing acts of service for each other, but I've noticed they've stepped it up a notch. It is beautiful.

My friend Hilary posts the most genuine posts of love for her children and husband, and a recent post about her husband's efforts to re-create a special memory of their high school romance. They've been a couple for a long time, and I can see how their love makes them want to do things for each other, but also how that cycle repeats, and the doing things for each other increases their love.

I see my sister Robin who has been married the longest of us Bossy Sisters, and how she and Roland put endless hours and efforts of love into their children, their marriage. One of the things I love most about R&R is their sense of humor to get through life and enjoy each other's company. One of the things I admire the most in their family is the absolute devotion they have to their children. When I read "The Functional Family" article, I can think of specific examples of how R&R have fulfilled every single category that Dr. MacArthur puts forth to have a loving, stable family. Anyone who knows them will attest to the love they have for each other.

This is to say that when life is stripped away to its bare minimal components, I want to see strong, loving relationships at its foundation. I want to know that my efforts were intentional. I want to be ready and make the same kind of decisions that I've seen you make everyday, and also in times of trauma and crisis to strengthen and uphold each other. I want to do that now with deliberate positive experiences that we create.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I love my husband. I cannot imagine building a life with anyone else. Our children are precious to us, it almost makes me panic to think about teaching them and equipping them adequately for this life. But I think I'm learning that its not enough to just love, you have to do something about it--consistently. It is never ending and it can continue to grow.

{Now, hopefully my next post will make you laugh.}

Packing for My Monthly Guilt Trip

I can feel it coming on. It is the first of the month again, and that means full time work and stress. I am the account manager at a property management company and so that means that for the next two weeks I will be collecting rents, creating late charges and eviction notices, paying owners, creating statements, talking to tenants and owners and answering about 50 emails a day. I hate this time of the month and feel like a horrible mom when it comes around. It lasts for about 2 weeks. Ug.

How many of us go through these feelings of guilt? Knowing our kids need us, knowing we have work, church, or other responsibilities which require us to choose where we are going to spend our time. For a long time I was able to be at home with my kids, but recent events in my life have left me feeling like a single mom with extra expenses and less time than ever. Just because our kids are older, doesn't mean we don't need to be there for them. It's a catch twenty-two...if I spend time with the kids, then my work and paycheck suffer (which eventually means we suffer). If I spend the time at work, I don't get to see my kids and they suffer (at least I think they might - maybe? Okay, I suffer!). Last month there were at least 3 days that I didn't get to see my teenage son till about 11:00 at night.

This is my guilt trip, and I know, that some of you have guilt trips that you take too. These are the things that will help:

1) eat right - I don't have to explain this...you know what it means.
2) sleep enough (this means more than 6 hours/night - otherwise you will cry a lot)
3) take vitamins (duh - and while you're at it, wash your hands, keyboard, mouse, and phone often)
4) get some type of daily exercise (even 10 minutes is a good start--- I'm trying to do this better!)

In other words, take care of yourself!

Also, do this:

5) tell your kids and loved ones often that you love them - they need to hear it, and you need to say it!
6) listen, be calm, and respond with love and confidence - regardless who you are dealing with
7) believe in yourself; have faith that God will help you and do your best
8) don't compare yourself to others - you will only be comparing your worst to their best
9) be realistic about what you can and can't do... prioritize and delegate or ask for help if you can't get all the necessary things done
10) laugh - find something to laugh at, it will brighten your day.

Now, I know I am bossy, but I can also learn...so if you have other great suggestions for dealing with stress and guilt, let us know!