I can feel it coming on. It is the first of the month again, and that means full time work and stress. I am the account manager at a property management company and so that means that for the next two weeks I will be collecting rents, creating late charges and eviction notices, paying owners, creating statements, talking to tenants and owners and answering about 50 emails a day. I hate this time of the month and feel like a horrible mom when it comes around. It lasts for about 2 weeks. Ug.
How many of us go through these feelings of guilt? Knowing our kids need us, knowing we have work, church, or other responsibilities which require us to choose where we are going to spend our time. For a long time I was able to be at home with my kids, but recent events in my life have left me feeling like a single mom with extra expenses and less time than ever. Just because our kids are older, doesn't mean we don't need to be there for them. It's a catch twenty-two...if I spend time with the kids, then my work and paycheck suffer (which eventually means we suffer). If I spend the time at work, I don't get to see my kids and they suffer (at least I think they might - maybe? Okay, I suffer!). Last month there were at least 3 days that I didn't get to see my teenage son till about 11:00 at night.
This is my guilt trip, and I know, that some of you have guilt trips that you take too. These are the things that will help:
1) eat right - I don't have to explain this...you know what it means.
2) sleep enough (this means more than 6 hours/night - otherwise you will cry a lot)
3) take vitamins (duh - and while you're at it, wash your hands, keyboard, mouse, and phone often)
4) get some type of daily exercise (even 10 minutes is a good start--- I'm trying to do this better!)
In other words, take care of yourself!
Also, do this:
5) tell your kids and loved ones often that you love them - they need to hear it, and you need to say it!
6) listen, be calm, and respond with love and confidence - regardless who you are dealing with
7) believe in yourself; have faith that God will help you and do your best
8) don't compare yourself to others - you will only be comparing your worst to their best
9) be realistic about what you can and can't do... prioritize and delegate or ask for help if you can't get all the necessary things done
10) laugh - find something to laugh at, it will brighten your day.
Now, I know I am bossy, but I can also learn...so if you have other great suggestions for dealing with stress and guilt, let us know!
18 comments:
Not only are my guilt trip bags packed, I have the ticket in my hand. This is great bossing and I am going to follow your advice. Thank you very much!
I was a single working mother back in the 70's. The guilt is a normal feeling for we mothers. Your list seems to cover everything..... never ever be too hard on yourself. This too shall pass, children will grow up, they will still love you... and still bring home their dirty laundry to you when they go away to college... lol
My trip starts most nights at about 8:00. I tuck the kids in and think of all the times I've said "In a minute" or not heard what they were really telling me... :(
Good Bossing Kristen, we all need it.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I don't think men go on guilt trips very often, which as you know makes it very easy to men to be jerks. So I guess in a way guilt trips are good in a way (just kidding). Now. Wasn't that just the kind of thing an insensitive jerk guy might say? What can I say? I'm a man.
That said, I'm glad there are people out there who feel guilty to make up for insensitive guilt-free people who really should be riddled with all kinds of guilt but aren't. Kind of even things out. Again ... just kidding.
Seriously, I'm trying to be funny but probably just coming off as a jerk. Honestly, I get feeling guilty and go on guilt trips too. Must be the feminine side of me (just kidding again).
But really seriously, I'm just trying to help out with suggestion #10, and maybe I can offer one more:
#11) Be grateful you're not an insensitive jerk.
I'm sure sometimes you'd think it would be nice to be an insensitive jerk, but nobody likes an insensitive jerk. I would know.
Okay, let me really be serious here because I think this is an important discussion and I really do have something to offer other than mindless banter.
Sometimes ... husbands help you pack your bags when you go on a guilt trip. Not knowingly, and in fact in most cases if they knew they were helping you pack your bags they'd quickly unpack and try to keep you from going.
Again, we don't mean to, it's just part of that "insensitive" part of being a man. Men are just clueless, and seldom stop to realize that their wives are sensitive creatures who (unlike men) are quick to blame themselves.
Being naturally ambivalent and detached, it seems a man should shoulder some responsibility to help:
1) Accept responsibility for his part in the things his wife feels guilty about.
2) Reassure his wife that she's doing a great job and that everything will be fine, because 9 times out of 10 she is doing a great job and everything will be fine.
I also think it's crucial to recognize that if you're guilt ridden it means you care. That's not to say that men don't care ... but they never care as much and often don't care enough.
The point is, that if you care, those you love (your kids) likely know that ... and if they don't make sure they do. That will go a long long long way to making sure they turn out okay.
And isn't that what's most important? I know it is ... and with you Kristen, I have all the faith in the world that yours will turn out great - and they have you to thank.
Dave, wonderfully put. I totally suffer from guilt--for me it is a feeling of "not measuring up" to what I should be measuring up to. A lot of it comes from comparison like Kristen said in #8, which is totally counter productive. When we compare, it is often comparing our worst to someone else's best. You can't win, and nothing good will come from it.
I also tend towards feeling like I'm not doing all the things I should be doing, and the source of that comes from all directions. It can come from good places--like love, and inspired messages, it can come from spouses. It can also come from meaningless places, like media, and twisted perceptions of what we all ought to be.
Sometimes guilt is useful, it occasionally spurs me on to do better. But usually guilt just paralyzes me.
I try really hard to conscientiously remind myself of the things I AM doing right, when I start to feel guilty. Like David said, loving my family and communicating that.
And like Melissa said, thank goodness tomorrow is a new day.
I get anxious in the evenings too, when the kids are in bed, and I wonder if I spoke too snippy, harshly, if I listened enough, if I loved them enough, if I need to spend more time looking into their eyes.
Lately, I've really been trying to just stop, pick up the child who is pestering me, and give a big hug and kiss. That's where I am in my life right now. The working guilt is something that I'm pretty sure I'll have to deal with in the future.
I can't keep up with any of ypou kids. I'm feelin sad about that, and a little guilty.
I can't keep up with any of ypou kids. I'm feelin sad about that, and a little guilty.
I think mom called us poo kids. That was mean.
Also, I read your last suggestion and thought it said "find someONE to laugh at". That would also be mean! You should feel guilty for making me think about laughing at someone.
KK, this was a great post. Please don't feel guilty. Your kids know how much you love and care and how much you do for them. I wish I could share your burden.
I can't tell you how many times I remember sprinting from work to my car and cursing traffic the whole commute home because I was going to be late to pick up my kids, or late to get home to the nanny, or because I just felt that I should be somewhere I wasn't. I thought that would go away with being a SAHM but it's something else. New things step in to make me feel guilty.
I'm going to go find someone to laugh at. I mean with.
Ha ha..I'm laughing at you Sally!
I thought I knew guilt before I was a parent. I had no idea! For me it's all about focus. Right now I'm peering around baby blue eyes as I write. Kissing her between sentences. That's balance, right? I'm on the ball..only 'cause I'm sitting on it.
I think recognizing that everything takes longer with kids helps me and remembering to be grateful, always grateful. That way I have less time to feel guilty.
Chiska, this reminds me of the quote that Melissa has on her other blog in her Quote of the Day by Anna Quindlen. We would do well to remember it> You can see it here:
http://sunshineysoul.blogspot.com/
I am finally adding y'all to my google reader because I keep missing all the juiciness you most. Love you lots and lots.
Linsey, we love you too.
Thanks Kristen and Melissa. That is a great quote!
KK, I thought of that quote too! It is a good one. Maybe Melissa should post it on Bossy sometime.
I'm not feeling guilty about calling you poo kids.
I take great pride in being a poo kid.
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