Life, Love, Goals, and Things That Matter

by Kristen

The other day I was spending time with two friends of mine, I'll call them Lori and Lucy. Lori is rather slim, and Lucy is more like me, and would like to lose a large amount of weight. I was surprised how often in the short time (30 minutes) that we were together, that Lucy brought up her weight or her looks in a degrading way. We weren't talking about it, but she seemed to pull it into the conversation.

After Lucy left I mentioned to Lori that I wished Lucy wouldn't put herself down so often. Lori agreed with me and we went on talking about hair and other things. We didn't dwell on it, but later I thought about it again. I thought about my perceptions of her. Until that time, I had never really considered her weight at all. She was just a beautiful woman who was a friend. I was aware that she is larger than average, but hadn't spent a single thought on it.

I know other people to whom weight is of supreme importance. They can't have a conversation about food without bringing up weight, they can't describe someone without mentioning weight...and I don't mean like "Oh, she is tall and slim" or "well, she's got brown hair, she's shorter and a little bigger than average." No, I'm referring to the conversation that goes, "Well, she is really big, I mean, she's gained like 60 pounds since high school. She used to be so pretty. You know her brother has a weight problem too. It's so sad." As if that is the only feature of this person with any degree of importance.

Me in high school at about 117 lbs.

As a woman who has struggled with my weight since I thought I was huge and fat in high school weighing a grand total of 117, and eventually came to weigh at least twice that, I can tell you, my weight has almost nothing to do with who I am. It is not important to my success, my relationships, my personality, my morals, my beliefs, and my character. That is not to say it doesn't matter to me. The first sentence of this paragraph states that I have struggled. I have. It is difficult to be large, it is frustrating to try over and over and not find the success in this one arena of my life. I don't care to look at my naked body in a mirror, and I don't love shopping for clothes. I am still trying to lose weight. Every day I think about it, I think about some of the limitations it puts on me. I am aware of how society perceives me. Every day I make some effort, I exercise, I deny myself that cookie, that chocolate, etc. And yet I still am overweight... dare I say it? - Fat. But you know what, in spite of my weight, I really do like myself.

I am intelligent. I am attractive - I have great hair most of the time. I have beautiful eyes and a nice smile. I really like my nose. I have strong legs and a healthy functioning body, could it be healthier? Heck yes, but I still am grateful for it. I have a good sense of humor, and I am honest. I try to be considerate of others and I am a dang good mom! I am a loyal and hardworking employee. I enjoy spending time with my family and my friends. I have lots of varied interests including traveling, books, swimming, and pottery among others.

All this brings me back to Lucy, and the impact that weight has on us.

I remember about 5 years ago, I was at my heaviest weight and a woman who I didn't know very well came up to me at church and said, "You are one of the prettiest women I know. I love your hair and eyes." She has no idea what that meant to me. I can honestly say that I think it had been probably 5 years since anyone other than my husband had given me a compliment on my looks, not my clothes, but my looks.

So here is my bit of bossing for you today:

1) If you know someone who is heavier, get to know them, who are they really? What are their interests? Are they enjoyable to spend time with? They may be, they may not (not all fat people are jolly - and not all skinny women are bitches). But don't define them by their weight.

2) If you are larger yourself: Think about who you are. You are more than your weight, your body, your scale number. Think about what you like about yourself. Ask yourself what makes you a good friend, a good mom, a good sister, a good citizen. Learn to like yourself.

3) When you are out and about: compliment people, all people. Really look at them and find the beauty that God gave them. Find something wonderful to share with them. Tell them about a time they made a positive impact in your life. Or share a treasured memory of them to remind them that they have a place in your heart.

All of the Bossy Sisters, our mom, and Robin's oldest daughter in Mazatlan. Emily and Sally were both pregnant!

4) When you are talking with others: Don't talk about weight; yours, theirs, or anyone else's. Weight doesn't matter and it just makes you a bore to be around. And people question why you can't see past such a surface issue. Talk about life, love, goals, and things that matter.

And last of all...love yourself, regardless of your size!

BFF

By Robin

Women need women.

All through elementary, middle, and high school I wanted a best friend. Someone I could buy a friendship bracelet for. I had friends, but not a *best* friend. Even in college, I had fun roommates, but still no *best* friend.

Until I met Roland. He was my best friend. But, (you knew there would be a but here, right?) but he wasn't a girl. When I went on and on about a topic I could tell he was trying to keep his eyes from rolling back in his head. I knew I needed a girl friend. Women need women. I think men are fine without men, but women need women.

As newlyweds we had lots of friends. Roland played basketball at Boise State University and everyone wanted to be friends with us. I loved those friends. We did fun and exciting things together. We were young and beautiful. But still, not a *best* friend in the group. I always felt a little unsure of myself and a little lonely, even when we were having fun.

When I was 28 we moved into a new neighborhood, and sure enough those friends faded. And my need for a friend, a *best* friend, grew. I remember going to church in our new ward, looking around and wondering who I could possibly find as a friend. Slowly I made friends. I met wonderful women who I admired and enjoyed. One day I was on a walk with one of those beautiful women, Ann, and I told her how someone had mentioned to me to watch out for the cliques at church. I was bothered by it and didn't want to be perceived as a cliquish girl. Ann stopped dead in the street and said, "Oh, don't listen to that silliness. It's just silly." she waved her hand as if to sweep it off the table and I fell in love with her. I knew she was going to be my *Best* friend. I wanted to hug her right then, I was so relieved, but I didn't want to scare her off. So I acted all cool.

Choosing Ann as a best friend meant that Suzanne would be part of the bundle. I admired Suzanne. She was stunning. And her children were beautiful. And her husband too. She was gracious and kind and well mannered.

Our friendships grew through gardening. I had a new yard and took as many plants as they would give me. They shared all their garden secrets. Ann walked all the time and would stop at my house, interrupting dinner, to tell me what bugs were eating my petunias, show me how to prune my overgrown roses, dead head my perennials and so on. Suzanne would call and invite me to shop for flower pots. The three of us would head off together and laugh more than we shopped. Never did I feel so at home with women who weren't my sisters.

Their kids are older than mine by a few years. So I watched them go through the teenage years (quite gracefully) and weddings and now grandchildren. I copied them. I ran to them for advice. I could complain and worry about my children to them and feel safe. I knew they loved my kids and would always love them.

Suzanne, Me, Ann - BFFs

They helped me through my parent's divorce and then we helped Ann through her divorce. I think it was the divorces that really jelled the friendships, really made us more than friends, like sisters. They were one of the major the reasons I didn't want to move from Boise. I literally thank God for them.

You can't take a friendship like that for granted. I don't.

My parents always told me to be picky about who I hung out with. That advice still rings true. But finding a BFF doesn't always happen naturally. Here is my advice on how to find that Best Friend:

"What To Look For In A Best Friend"

1. Trustworthiness. This means no gossip. Not even about people you don't like. It's easier to confide in someone who is confidential. You are safe.
2. Humor. Someone who can laugh when things go wrong and can laugh at herself, even if she is crying.
   
3. Honesty. She's going to gently tell you that you need a new hair stylist, you need to be nicer to your husband, and give you the advice you really need to hear.
   
4. Kindness. A friend with a generous spirit and compassionate heart can make life easier. I once hosted a wedding lunch in my back yard and Ann and Suzanne came over very early in the morning and cleaned my yard, straightening leaves on the plants and fluffing dirt.
5. Confidence. Its so nice to be with a confident woman who trusts herself to do what is right.

Now you may already have this friend. If you do, treat her like gold. Send her a sweet little note today telling her that you love her. If you don't, don't worry. Wait and watch. When you find this person, be the best friend to her that you can.

The Functional Family

by Emily

My top 2 desires as a blogger are to: 1) make you laugh (that brings me great satisfaction) and 2) help create world peace (can't do it alone!). In today's post, I attempt #2 in a small way.


Recently my husband and I got away for a long weekend without the kids. The 7 hour drive was wonderful and strange and even dull in some ways. I found myself struggling with maintaining a thoughtful conversation for more than a few minutes at a time. My brain is trained to think in short minute increments--as I am constantly being interrupted by my 1 & 3 year old. It was so restful not having to crane my head and neck around, reaching far back in the car to pass out treats or pick up a dropped toy.

The whole weekend was wonderful, eating out (without the kids), conversations uninterrupted, unlimited in our flexibility to do what we want when we wanted. But it was also kind of strange, like that 7 hour drive to get there. It was too long away from the kids and not long enough.


It has made me think a lot lately about my relationships with my family members, my husband in particular, and my children individually.

A few mornings ago I found an article Joe had been reading, "The Functional Family" by James D. MacArthur, PhD (Director of BYU's Counseling and Career Center). This article was extremely relevant to things I've been meditating on lately, specifically strengthening my family and prioritizing family relationships.

{If you haven't read Sally's interview with Joy (yesterday's post), go read it now. It is wonderful, thought provoking, and I gained so many insights from Joy sharing her experience and wisdom.}

While there were so many different issues of importance brought up in the interview with Joy, these are two things stood out to me in Joy's interview answers (yesterday's post, go read it now!)--her and Scott's deliberate plans and actions to take care of their relationship with each other and their children during this great trial. She says: "I think our marriage has been strengthened by this experience. We have watched each other shoulder amazing burdens and overcome obstacles for each of us that amazed us."

But do we want to wait for burdens as an excuse/motivator to build our relationships? I don't think any one does, and I thought Joy said it so well: "Maybe I will think differently about good things coming from this experience when I look back many years from now, but right now it feels too raw and painful to see much positive. I thought at first when I answered I would write about how it has brought me closer to certain friends who have really been there for me. And while this is true, I would rather have gotten closer to them through a positive experience instead. "

I don't want to wait for a major trial to force me to think about this. When we are faced with an unusual amount of stress or strain in our life, we can choose how we are going to handle it, learn and grow from it. But, like Joy said, I would rather get closer to my husband and my children through positive experiences instead. If I can be spared a trial like Joy's, I hope God will spare me that--but I want that bonding and strengthening, and I think that in my search on how to do this, I am finding ways to foster and grow my relationship with my husband and my children through positive experiences.


Two points that Dr. MacArthur makes stand out to me:

1) In a functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.

2) In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance.

Joy talked about how they decided to use their rainy-day fund to pay for the extra help they needed during this temporary time in their life. She talked about deliberately scheduled days so that time could be spent with each member of the family, but also about accepting help from others with her daughter so that her daughter's emotional needs are met.

Dr. MacArthur suggests some obvious and simple things for those of us who are not in crisis mode, and though they are obvious, I appreciated being reminded of these things (I like to read this list with each individual family member in mind):

• talk together


• play together


• one-on-one time together


• send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection


• give compliments


• do something fun and unexpected


• say "I love you"


• listen to the other person


• ask him or her to help you on a project


• share personal feelings

He says, "All of these require that you personally get engaged in things the other person is doing...you might be surprised at how far-reaching your positive influence can be."

So many of you, readers, have been specific examples to me of these things.

My own mother and her husband make very conscious efforts to accommodate each others' needs, whether it's mom's need to travel to visit children, or Alan's need to work creatively with his instruments.

I've watched my parents-in-law go from a full house to an empty nest and all children married in a matter of 5 years. I see them putting a concerted effort into their marriage now that the children are grown and "out of the way". They've always been loving to each other, doing acts of service for each other, but I've noticed they've stepped it up a notch. It is beautiful.

My friend Hilary posts the most genuine posts of love for her children and husband, and a recent post about her husband's efforts to re-create a special memory of their high school romance. They've been a couple for a long time, and I can see how their love makes them want to do things for each other, but also how that cycle repeats, and the doing things for each other increases their love.

I see my sister Robin who has been married the longest of us Bossy Sisters, and how she and Roland put endless hours and efforts of love into their children, their marriage. One of the things I love most about R&R is their sense of humor to get through life and enjoy each other's company. One of the things I admire the most in their family is the absolute devotion they have to their children. When I read "The Functional Family" article, I can think of specific examples of how R&R have fulfilled every single category that Dr. MacArthur puts forth to have a loving, stable family. Anyone who knows them will attest to the love they have for each other.

This is to say that when life is stripped away to its bare minimal components, I want to see strong, loving relationships at its foundation. I want to know that my efforts were intentional. I want to be ready and make the same kind of decisions that I've seen you make everyday, and also in times of trauma and crisis to strengthen and uphold each other. I want to do that now with deliberate positive experiences that we create.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I love my husband. I cannot imagine building a life with anyone else. Our children are precious to us, it almost makes me panic to think about teaching them and equipping them adequately for this life. But I think I'm learning that its not enough to just love, you have to do something about it--consistently. It is never ending and it can continue to grow.

{Now, hopefully my next post will make you laugh.}

A Bossy Blog Interview: Life with a Premature Baby

By Sally

Julian

Have you ever met someone and within the first 20 minutes of knowing them, you know you'll be friends for life? This is how I felt about Joy Drake Silver, whom I met when we were working for an internet start-up in San Francisco back in 1998. She was my best friend at work and I learned (and continue to learn) so much from her. Joy married her soul mate, Scott, and a few years later they welcomed their first child, adorable Gigi. In October of last year, via emergency C-section, Joy delivered their second child, son Julian, almost 3 months premature. They have spent over 130 days in the hospital with Julian and still have many challenges ahead of them. Joy is an amazing woman and I know if anyone can come out of this trial stronger, she will.

Please briefly describe the events at the end of your pregnancy and these past months since the birth of Julian. What is his current status and what are the best/worst case scenarios for the future?

My pregnancy had many warning signs, blood clots in my legs in the first trimester, flunking the Nuchal screen between weeks 11-18 and being flagged for downs syndrome (cleared all genetic issues with amnio), ultrasounds where the baby’s size didn’t match the dates and he just seemed too small, and then at 25 weeks spiking high blood pressure out of the blue. My OB/GYN dismissed every warning sign along the way.

My intuition, and my friend Bonnie who had experienced Preeclampsia herself, screamed at me to get help. With the help of my internist who was alarmed as well, I went to see a high-risk specialist who told me at week 26 that I was in danger and my baby’s life was in danger. That it wasn’t safe to fly anywhere and to stay off my feet. I had Preeclampsia (also called Toxemia) and he was hoping he could get me to 32 weeks. I have been living in a crisis mode/ fear place ever since then, which was almost six months ago.

Eventually, it was essential to hospitalize me and watch the baby’s and my health. I made it to 29 weeks and 3 days. Jules, who was due on Christmas, was instead born 10/10/2008 weighing 1.5 pounds, the size of a 25-week-old baby, because my placenta could not get him the nutrition he needed to grow.

He has been in the hospital ever since. He now weighs 8.5 pounds, is about 130 days old or 8 weeks adjusted, has been diagnosed with severe lung disease (Also called chronic lung disease and Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia). Finally, after four months in the ICU unit, he has made it to the pediatrics floor at Children’s Hospital.

Julian on day 2

The worst case scenario for his future would be having to intubate him and sedate him so that he wouldn’t have to struggle to breathe anymore and then give him a tracheostomy. This would mean some developmental setbacks and heartache/hardship for us.

The best case scenario would be if he could wean his dependence on diuretics to pull fluid from his lungs, switch his feeding tube to his tummy from his intestine, and convince his body to require less oxygen support, which in the best case would take seven weeks with the countdown beginning after he had been stable for a week or two, which hasn’t happened yet.

What is a typical day for you and Julian? How are you caring for Gigi and taking care of regular life (bills, appointments, laundry)?

A typical day for me is getting Gigi (age 4) off to pre-school at eight, and then going to the hospital all day, until it is time to pick Gigi up at three. We are taking care of Gigi by not altering her routine. I still take her to school and pick her up most days, we have family dinner every night, and she is over programmed on the weekend with swimming, music, and ski school with her dad so that she doesn’t notice I am at the hospital and not with her as much. After putting Gigi to bed, Scott goes to the hospital after dinner each night to give Jules his bath and put him to bed.

Gigi turned 4 while Julian was in the hospital

We have hired a great nanny named Heidi to take care of all of us. She helps cook dinner a few days a week, fills in with hours at the hospital when I can’t be there, takes care of Gigi on no school days so I can be at the hospital, and helps with a million errands. We have also hired our housekeeper for twice a week help.

I have not figured out how to take care of appointments or stay on top of paperwork.

My day at the hospital includes some of the nice things about taking care of a new baby, changing diapers, playing with him, singing to him, and moving him from the swing, to the bouncy chair, to his bed, and rocking him to sleep. I just do all those things with a lot of cords/tubes/wires attached. The thing I miss the most when taking care of him is the bonding that occurs with nursing or bottle feeding. Not being able to feed him and look in his eyes while providing that has made me feel very empty.

Jules has had great Physical/occupational therapists. Jan at University of Washington helped make sure he didn’t develop an oral aversion by working with him and his pacifier to keep him inerested in it. When we moved to Children’s hospital he met Keren, who his is daily PT/OT. I call her the baby whisperer, which embarrasses her, but I really think it is true. She has taught me so much about how to connect with him and care for him despite the medical scenario.

binky training

Most of my days include time with Keren where she shows me how to keep Jules on developmental targets like enough tummy time and lifting his head time, time to bicycle his legs, helping reward him when he reaches for things, and most importantly binky training. Keren has a device that is roughly a pacifier with a tiny hole in the tip, which is threaded with a small tube connected to a syringe. Jules gets to suck on the pacifier as though it were a bottle, but I control how fast he is able to eat through the syringe, so that I can stop him if he tries to eat too quickly for his rate of breathing. I LOVE binky training and so does Jules. It is close as I can come to feeding him for real.

I discuss his care with the nurses, meet with respiratory folks, doctors, and specialists all throughout the day and then tuck him back in bed or trade-off with our nanny when it is time to leave.

I am very lonely a lot of my time at the hospital. Most of my friends work during the day or have small children, so they can’t visit me. My social isolation can be piercing. It is really nice when someone just stops by and drinks a cup of coffee, even for just twenty minutes. The worst part is that I am too exhausted mentally to even handle the time and effort it would take to arrange for someone to visit me.

Day 46, what a sweetie!

Who are you leaning on? Tell us about your circle of friends and family, what they have done for you and what you’ve most appreciated. What can people do to help, and what questions should people ask you?

I am leaning on anyone who will let me lean on them, including a trauma therapist and a regular therapist = ) Our family has been supportive and has flown in to help, especially to spoil Gigi and shower her with attention when we couldn’t send a lot of energy her way. Our community and friends have helped us connect with the right doctors (Dani and Rebecca), get us to the right hospital (Dani and Mark), and now when we really need it, helped make meals for us (lots of lovely people).

When we had the emergency C-section, my friend Irene picked Gigi up from school and Gigi had her first sleepover with her friend and Irene’s daughter, Hannah. Gigi had the time of her life and associates the night Julian was born with something very positive in her life. Irene and her husband have also stayed with Gigi at night while Scott and I pushed through tough times at night at the hospital.

sweet swaddled little guy

My next door neighbor Laura heard about what had happened and told me she wanted to help. She said she would rake my leaves all through the fall and would stay at our house any night with Gigi if Scott and I needed to be at the hospital. This really stands out for me because she told me exactly what she would do for us and did it.

A lot of people offer to help and say, “What can I do?” That is so hard for me to answer because I don’t want to ask someone to cook who doesn’t cook, or ask someone to help clean up my yard who hates that kind of thing. I don’t know what people can do and it is hard for my personality to ask for help.

I have replayed my conversation with Laura in my head and reminded myself a thousand times that if I ever have the opportunity to help someone through a prolonged medical crisis, I am just going to tell them what I can do and start doing it until they tell me to stop.

I don’t have the capacity in terms of time or emotional put-togetherness to even articulate what I need. Having people just drop off dinner or rake my leaves without asking has really touched me.

My friend Jeremiah wrote me an email telling me he would do anything to help, from cleaning my house to pruning my yard, to cooking, whatever I wanted. I cried when I read his email.

One of the nurses at the NICU told me that the best help for me would be if one of my friends would coordinate meals and another chores for me, like yard work, folding laundry, cleaning out the fridge, etc… and just let people sign up. I have just started with the meals, but I haven’t been organized enough to do the chores thing, but it sounds like a great idea.

Gigi’s babysitter named Randi, who she hasn’t seen since October, dropped off a surprise valentine’s day gift for Gigi. This made me cry too, because Gigi has endured a lot of time without her parents, a lot of time being foisted on other people, and a lot of attention focused on her sick brother, and it was so kind of someone to think of her and do something to brighten her day.

Scott, Jules and Gigi at the hospital

What has been the lowest point of the whole experience and how are you getting through it? Where do you turn for inspiration and motivation?

The roughest part of the whole experience is right now. Now that the fear for the pregnancy is over, the C-section is over and Jules came out of the NICU to the pediatrics floor, four months have gone by and we know there is likely another 3 more coming. We are exhausted emotionally and physically and depleted. The pace of life is demanding. We don’t see each other as a family except for dinners and it seems daunting to look ahead. Jules seems to teeter on the edge of being shipped back to the NICU and intubated all the time and it is hard to keep a clear head.

Julian a few hours after birth

And now that I think about it, the other low point was just after the C-section. I don’t know if all people who have C-sections feel like this or if it had to do with the emergency nature of the situation, the trauma of the pregnancy, and/or how early and tiny Jules was, but I felt blindsided by the delivery. I had no idea it was coming so fast. I figured I had at least 3 more weeks of bedrest before they would do the C-section. And when it was over, I lay there feeling like someone had stolen my baby. They took him away to the NICU on a wheeling thing about fifteen feet away, which was the closest I ever got to him, and I couldn’t even raise my arm to wave goodbye. I wasn’t allowed to see him for two more days and I was just so sad. I mourned the loss of the pregnancy, the dreams I had of bringing home a baby, and when I saw him with jaundice goggles and intubated, the only part of his face I could see was his chin. I had no idea what he looked like and I wasn’t allowed to hold him for a long time. That was definitely a low point.

Jules keeps me motivated and inspired. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and thinking about how he fought to live inside me with no amniotic fluid and a dinky placenta, he fought to go from 1.5 pounds to 8.5 pounds, he fights to breathe every day, and he still has learned to smile and coo. He is truly an inspiration.

Jules getting some sun therapy

You converted to Judaism more than a decade ago. Does religious faith help you in this situation? In what way?

Yes, I think it has helped me stay grounded. I can’t get to services and was hospitalized for the most important religious holidays this year, but I say the same prayers over and over to Jules and myself for comfort. There is a Jewish prayer for healing that I know friends and families are mentioning Julian’s name for when it is said at their synagogues, and I believe in the power of prayer. At the worst turning points for Julian, when I have asked for prayers for him, I have felt like he was able to turn things around afterwards. I think Sally herself said at one point that we witnessed a miracle after one of those nights of praying.

Taking the time each week to observe Shabbat with Friday night dinner and have that dinner with Gigi and say the traditional blessings and stop working has been a nice connection with our former life and given me strength each week.

The pictures of baby Jules are adorable. Are you able to laugh and find joy during this time of stress and difficulty? Are there good things that have come from this experience?

Yes, I have been able to laugh and enjoy him and Gigi during this time. Scott and I have not been able to relax or go to a movie or anything like that though. We just can’t relax unless we are at the hospital. So we have some work to do on that front.

Maybe I will think differently about good things coming from this experience when I look back many years from now, but right now it feels too raw and painful to see much positive. I thought at first when I answered I would write about how it has brought me closer to certain friends who have really been there for me. And while this is true, I would rather have gotten closer to them through a positive experience instead.

What is your opinion of Julian’s medical care and how has your experience changed how you think about medicine?

I am pretty angry about medicine right now. I am furious over my experience with my original OB/GYN, who ignored even my internist’s concerns about my blood pressure. If I had let her be in charge, I am confidence that either Jules or myself or both wouldn’t be here right now.
The hospitals are so busy and the doctors so overworked. I have lost my faith that doctors will look out for Julian and do the right thing. They barely have time to read his chart and often have facts about him completely wrong. It is stressful to realize how critical Scott’s and my one hundred percent intellectual dedication to his medical case has been.

We have had twenty five attending doctors in the past five months. Four of them I would trust if I had to go out of town to keep Jules stable. Eight of them did not make much of an impression. The rest scared me, not because they were bad doctors, but because they were too busy to give Julian’s case the thought it deserved.

The most ridiculous anecdote I can share about medicine is that when Jules was diagnosed with severe lung disease, he was at a Level 3 NICU, which is the most serious type. We were at University of Washington where all the babies from Idaho, Washington, Oregon, Alaska, and Montana are flown who are the most sick. Over time, Jules turned into one of the sickest kids on “the unit,” as they called it. But, they had no pediatric lung specialists there and could not convince one from Children’s hospital to come see Jules. It took Scott’s and my complete dedication, help from friends, community, and constant hyper-vigilance to get Jules out of that hospital and over to Children’s hospital where they actually have doctors who can treat him!

How do you advocate for Jules? Have you ever had to stand up to a doctor or nurse? Also, on your blog, I’ve read the phrase “going on rounds”—what does that mean?

Rounds occur in the morning when the entire medical team responsible for caring for the baby meets in a conference room or at bedside to discuss his care and plans for the day. This means the attending doctor (the one in charge), the residents/interns, fellows, nurses, respiratory therapists, nutritionists, coordinators, physical therapists, etc… I cried the first time I went to rounds and realized it took fifteen people to keep my baby alive.

Scott and I have to advocate for Jules every day. We have had to stand up to many doctors and very rarely, a nurse. The nurses have also been good advocates for Julian.

Do you ever have 'why me, why my baby?' days? How do you get over those feelings and move on?

No, I don’t. Scott has had a lot of this. I think it will hit me after it is all over. Sometimes, I remember when Gigi was four months old and nearly died when a urinary tract infection spread to a kidney infection and then she went septic, all within twelve hours. And I feel a little sorry for myself that I have not been able to enjoy the infancy state with my children without such fear. Holding your really sick baby and willing him/her to live is not something I would wish for anyone. But in the end, I have to be there for Gigi and for Jules and a pity party isn’t going to help any of us. I try to focus on rewards in the future, like when Jules is off oxygen, going on a trip to San Diego with Scott’s parents like we did when Gigi was first born. Or imagining and visualizing Jules being home with us.


What advice do you have for families with preemies or new babies with compromised health?

Get involved with your child’s medical care right away. Learn everything you can and advocate. Your child needs you and you CANNOT rely on the medical team to take care of him/her alone. When people tell you having a preemie will put you on a rollercoaster, they don’t really say what that means. It means that you will never feel safe. You will always be worried a new shoe will drop. You will pray, worry, fret, and agonize. Get help as soon as you can because it snowballs really quickly. You can’t do it alone and as humbling as it is to ask people to help you, you need to do it and will feel better for it.

Also if you can’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of your baby. So get the sleep you need so you don’t get sick. They will not let you in to see or take care of your baby if you even look like you might sneeze. So, take care of yourself. You have to sleep, eat, and even get your hair cut. Even if you don’t want to do so.

Gigi and Julian

Finally, what impact has this had on your marriage and your relationship with Gigi? How has this changed your life and your perspective on being a parent?

One of the NICU nurses told me my first week that seventy or so percent of marriages in the NICU fail over the course of the experience. I hired a trauma therapist to help Scott and me right away and I think getting the help of a specialist who knew the NICU team and experience we had in front of us made a huge difference for us and our marriage. She convinced us to hire a twice-a-week housekeeper, to use rainy day savings for extra help (because it is raining right now,) and helped each of us figure out what we needed to get by. I think our marriage has been strengthened by this experience. We have watched each other shoulder amazing burdens and overcome obstacles for each of us that amazed us.

Joy, Scott and Julian

I feel like I don’t get to see as much of Gigi and don’t know her as well as I did before this happened. I don’t know how much of that would be the same if I brought home a newborn though. I have been impressed with Gigi’s ability to adapt and cope and how sweet she is with Julian. She longs for him to be home too.

Thanks, Joy, for sharing Julian's story with us. We hope that he will continue to gain weight, start breathing like a champ, and come home soon. You can read more about sweet baby Julian's progress at the Silver's blog about him.

Happy Valentines Day!!!

We love all of you who share our lives with us through our Bossy blog!

We love the witty comments you make.

We love that you share your insights with us.

We love your webpages and blogs that we've found through your comments.

We love your wisdom.

We love that you share us with others.

We love how generous you are with your own stories.

We love learning more about you.

We love you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

"You rock like a princess."

by Sally



You look good today. Your hair looks great. You have a beautiful smile. And your personality just shines through that smile. And I like that shirt! It's cute.

You know, I love the comments you leave. You are funny, insightful, and you have great experiences to share. Sometimes when I read your comments I think--why can't I be neighbors with her? I so enjoy what you write. I look forward to reading what you have to say and your impressions and ideas. You have so much to offer the world.

And your blog is fun to read, interesting, and your kids are super adorable. I can tell that you are a good mom, even though there may be days when you feel like you're not at your best. Your kids are lucky that you are their fun mom. And I've noticed that you are a good photographer.

Your husband rocks, but you rock like a princess. And I mean it.

Last but not least, this applause is for you. You are awesome and your crowd is going wild for you.





This post was inspired by my preschooler, who recently told me this: "Daddy rocks. But Mama, you rock like a princess." I loved to hear that from him and I wanted to send some of the same appreciation to you.

Unexpected Kindness

Many years ago we had an auction at church to raise money for an activity. People donated everything from delicious cinnamon rolls, to dental services, to homemade crafts and yard work. It was great. One of the women had painted a hatbox. I loved the colors and design and had been saving my dollars to bid on something I really wanted and decided this was it! As the bidding commenced several people showed interest, but soon it was narrowed down to just a few of us. I continued to bid until it was just Jolyn and myself taking turns ratcheting up the price, finally, defeated and overpriced, I dropped out.

I came home that evening disappointed that I hadn't been able to get the hatbox that would so perfectly match my decor. As we drove up to the house I saw something sitting on the porch. I got out of the car and walked over to see the hatbox, with a card on top. Inside it read, "How often do you get to give a gift to someone that you know they truly want? Enjoy! Love, Jolyn". I will never forget that experience. I will always love Jolyn for that kindness.

This is one of those little unexpected kindnesses that moves me to tears, I'm teary just remembering it. How thoughtful, how simple and generous. Sometimes those unexpected kindnesses are physical gifts, sometimes they are a service someone does for you, and sometimes, they are just a kind word, that smile, or the unexpected compliment from a stranger.

So here is your bossing for today...tell us about an unexpected kindness that was extended to you, AND, each day this week, extend kindness to others, unexpectedly. Go to!

My Cherished Hatbox! (Thank you Jolyn!!!)