The Functional Family

by Emily

My top 2 desires as a blogger are to: 1) make you laugh (that brings me great satisfaction) and 2) help create world peace (can't do it alone!). In today's post, I attempt #2 in a small way.


Recently my husband and I got away for a long weekend without the kids. The 7 hour drive was wonderful and strange and even dull in some ways. I found myself struggling with maintaining a thoughtful conversation for more than a few minutes at a time. My brain is trained to think in short minute increments--as I am constantly being interrupted by my 1 & 3 year old. It was so restful not having to crane my head and neck around, reaching far back in the car to pass out treats or pick up a dropped toy.

The whole weekend was wonderful, eating out (without the kids), conversations uninterrupted, unlimited in our flexibility to do what we want when we wanted. But it was also kind of strange, like that 7 hour drive to get there. It was too long away from the kids and not long enough.


It has made me think a lot lately about my relationships with my family members, my husband in particular, and my children individually.

A few mornings ago I found an article Joe had been reading, "The Functional Family" by James D. MacArthur, PhD (Director of BYU's Counseling and Career Center). This article was extremely relevant to things I've been meditating on lately, specifically strengthening my family and prioritizing family relationships.

{If you haven't read Sally's interview with Joy (yesterday's post), go read it now. It is wonderful, thought provoking, and I gained so many insights from Joy sharing her experience and wisdom.}

While there were so many different issues of importance brought up in the interview with Joy, these are two things stood out to me in Joy's interview answers (yesterday's post, go read it now!)--her and Scott's deliberate plans and actions to take care of their relationship with each other and their children during this great trial. She says: "I think our marriage has been strengthened by this experience. We have watched each other shoulder amazing burdens and overcome obstacles for each of us that amazed us."

But do we want to wait for burdens as an excuse/motivator to build our relationships? I don't think any one does, and I thought Joy said it so well: "Maybe I will think differently about good things coming from this experience when I look back many years from now, but right now it feels too raw and painful to see much positive. I thought at first when I answered I would write about how it has brought me closer to certain friends who have really been there for me. And while this is true, I would rather have gotten closer to them through a positive experience instead. "

I don't want to wait for a major trial to force me to think about this. When we are faced with an unusual amount of stress or strain in our life, we can choose how we are going to handle it, learn and grow from it. But, like Joy said, I would rather get closer to my husband and my children through positive experiences instead. If I can be spared a trial like Joy's, I hope God will spare me that--but I want that bonding and strengthening, and I think that in my search on how to do this, I am finding ways to foster and grow my relationship with my husband and my children through positive experiences.


Two points that Dr. MacArthur makes stand out to me:

1) In a functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.

2) In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance.

Joy talked about how they decided to use their rainy-day fund to pay for the extra help they needed during this temporary time in their life. She talked about deliberately scheduled days so that time could be spent with each member of the family, but also about accepting help from others with her daughter so that her daughter's emotional needs are met.

Dr. MacArthur suggests some obvious and simple things for those of us who are not in crisis mode, and though they are obvious, I appreciated being reminded of these things (I like to read this list with each individual family member in mind):

• talk together


• play together


• one-on-one time together


• send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection


• give compliments


• do something fun and unexpected


• say "I love you"


• listen to the other person


• ask him or her to help you on a project


• share personal feelings

He says, "All of these require that you personally get engaged in things the other person is doing...you might be surprised at how far-reaching your positive influence can be."

So many of you, readers, have been specific examples to me of these things.

My own mother and her husband make very conscious efforts to accommodate each others' needs, whether it's mom's need to travel to visit children, or Alan's need to work creatively with his instruments.

I've watched my parents-in-law go from a full house to an empty nest and all children married in a matter of 5 years. I see them putting a concerted effort into their marriage now that the children are grown and "out of the way". They've always been loving to each other, doing acts of service for each other, but I've noticed they've stepped it up a notch. It is beautiful.

My friend Hilary posts the most genuine posts of love for her children and husband, and a recent post about her husband's efforts to re-create a special memory of their high school romance. They've been a couple for a long time, and I can see how their love makes them want to do things for each other, but also how that cycle repeats, and the doing things for each other increases their love.

I see my sister Robin who has been married the longest of us Bossy Sisters, and how she and Roland put endless hours and efforts of love into their children, their marriage. One of the things I love most about R&R is their sense of humor to get through life and enjoy each other's company. One of the things I admire the most in their family is the absolute devotion they have to their children. When I read "The Functional Family" article, I can think of specific examples of how R&R have fulfilled every single category that Dr. MacArthur puts forth to have a loving, stable family. Anyone who knows them will attest to the love they have for each other.

This is to say that when life is stripped away to its bare minimal components, I want to see strong, loving relationships at its foundation. I want to know that my efforts were intentional. I want to be ready and make the same kind of decisions that I've seen you make everyday, and also in times of trauma and crisis to strengthen and uphold each other. I want to do that now with deliberate positive experiences that we create.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I love my husband. I cannot imagine building a life with anyone else. Our children are precious to us, it almost makes me panic to think about teaching them and equipping them adequately for this life. But I think I'm learning that its not enough to just love, you have to do something about it--consistently. It is never ending and it can continue to grow.

{Now, hopefully my next post will make you laugh.}