Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to our wonderful readers, from the Bossy Sisters.

Please enjoy this beautiful video, especially appropriate for little ones.

Texting saved my marriage. Or, procrastination.

by Emily


We started texting with some regularity about a year ago. It didn't really "save" my marriage, but that sure caught your attention, didn't it? Sorry if you feel misled.

If you don't text, let me give you a few reasons why you should try:

• It can add some spice to your love life: it's a great way to deliver a love note. I would recommend this to newlyweds and experienced partners alike. Texting by nature is short, so you don't feel obligated or pressured to come up with a lot to say, just a simple love phrase goes a long ways. And if you're busy, it isn't demanding--you can text your wife in the middle of that meeting "Thinking of you...(or your hot legs)", or your husband in the middle of that piano lesson "you're my hunka hunka man" or maybe it's a simple, "I love you" or "Thanks for..."
  
• Besides your love life, what about your loving relationships with others? If you have kids with cell phones, you can text them "I love you's" and "I'm proud of you's" and "CTR's" as much as you want--they will read it. They have to read a text, it is like an all powerful force in their lives. They can't resist the ring of a text.
  
• Meeting up. If you're meeting someone at a crowded event (football game, concert arena, church?) you can text your location "second row, left." This is good if you're in a loud environment and talking is difficult, or you're in a quiet environment (like church, movie theater).
  
• Grocery lists. No more excuses when your spouse or teenager is running to the store: "don't forget: milk, butter, and grapefruit...and diapers" no excuses, no excuses...you'd hate to have to go back for the diapers.
  
• Change in schedule. This happens to us (me and my husband) where one of us will be in an irregular meeting of sorts (doctor's appointment, etc.) and the other is in charge of x, y, or z, which he or she is not usually in charge of. For example, "your turn to feed the meter" (when we park on campus, and we're both in class), or "don't forget to pick up the kids at 4." It's a friendly reminder.
  
• "Remind me to tell you about..." what Roo said this morning...or, that past due bill...or, the Walmart Wacko. You know, these are the things you think of telling someone during the day, but it just isn't the right time for a phone call. You can text a prelude to your conversation instead.
• Avoid sounding like a nagging naggy nag: You can text from one room in the house to another. Some of you might think this is ridiculous, but it is not. It saves you from nagging loudly at the top of your lungs (not pretty, and usually ineffective), and the message is clearly received. Consider doing this the next time you need your teenager's help. Or, how about when your spouse is glued to the computer/tv and you want to invite him/her to join you in something, without having to sound like a nagging pest?
• Apologies. Avoid insincerity. This is only to be reserved for those rare occasions when things go wrong, you can't apologize in person, and therefore a text is the next best option. It also helps to pave the way for a genuine apologetic follow-up phone call. A plea, so to speak. Humor helps too. "I'm really sorry, I was a stinky poo poo, and I hope you will forgive me. ;-( I love you."
  
• Venting Anger. If you really need to get that message across, you might feel better doing it by text. For example, if your teenager is driving you to the edge, your text might read: "I'm really mad at you." Or, "If I had a gun, I'd hit you with it!" This is sure to get the point across, and will not be easily forgotten. [That's an inside joke for all you Boss-me regulars ;-)] On second thought, this might not be a good idea. Don't text when angry. Take a deep breath, count to ten, maybe walk around to block. Just put the cell phone down and think twice.
  
• Distraction/procrastination. Okay, this is not a virtue of texting. It is a vice. As in, I blog, therefore I procrastinate. I text, therefore I procrastinate. Kinda how I'm procrastinating writing my 20 page paper on Ishiguro's The Remains of the Day and Mary Louise Pratt's Contact Zones theory--by blogging, and by texting my husband who is at school while I write in our basement. But it is worth it, all you bloggers know it is worth it. Beside, texting is no where near the time-suck that blogging is, unless you're 14 years old.
  

That's all I got. What would you add to this list? My marriage is just a little bit better because of texting. Please don't text and drive.

Idaho Statesman Obituary

by Emily

My siblings (mostly Robin) with the help of my mom, wrote this lovely obituary of our father. My mother and father were married for 34 years, which the obituary does not specify.

Obituary for David Wright Austin, in the Boise Idaho Statesman newspaper.

Be ready for less funeral, and more fun, shortly to come! We can't stay sad every minute of the day, though we will all have our moments.

Love to you all, love to Dad.

xo

Good Enough

by Emily

This fall I started school again full time, working on my Master's degree in Literature. I'm doing it for the money.

(read: sarcasm)

There is a lot to talk about here--a lot about the change of pace, and the weird feeling of living a double life. Mostly there is a lot to talk about my constant reflection and reevaluating the situation as it affects our family, most especially our children.

In a "letter" to my sisters on our private forum, I wrote the following:

"So, I'm having one of those weeks, day after day, where I keep thinking "Who am I kidding? I thought I could do this?" It is getting ROUGH.


This time of year is always hectic, and with school now--and all the church activities and services, I have a hard time not feeling a bit...resentful? Like, between Monday and Sunday, I don't have a single "free-day" to catch up on all the stuff that has slipped through the cracks--some of it pretty essential stuff. But then I ask: how I would change it? Would I want to be released from Primary (Primary is Sunday School for children ages 3-11), or quit school, or just never be home and always work super hard up on campus away from all distractions? And I realize I wouldn't change any of those things. I like being in the Primary, school has been really good for me, and most of all, my kids are the most important of all these things to me--and I want to be home with them as much as possible."

I have to get used to doing things so that they are "good enough," and that is new and hard for me.

Joe is doing even more household and parenting things than what he's already used to doing (which is to say, he's always been very active in those areas of our family life). Even so, the floor is often icky, and the clean laundry may not get folded before it is worn and needs washing again, and my 2 & 4 yr olds will keep on running in circles, laughing and whining. My hair might stick up kinda funny, and I'll probably choose the comfortable shoes over the cute ones. But let's be honest--was it much different before I started school? It's not as if I was ever a stellar housekeeper. I do make good food though--when I have time.

So here's my pat on my own back: we keep on making time for family dinner even if it is frozen Bertolli meals (I recommend the ones with shrimp). And if you're lucky you'll still be invited over to our house for that dinner, but the house may be less tidy than before, and the dessert might also come from the freezer (ice cream). And the Sunday School lessons will still be just as every bit delivered from the heart, but the handouts might not have pretty ribbon or glitter glue on them. And the homework gets done, and I'm reading faster everyday.

And still the best part of my day isn't nailing that class presentation or paper, but coming home to my family for our daily dinner, pajama, scripture/prayer, and bed routine. That, and stealing one last glimpse and kiss when my babies are fast asleep.

The replies I got from my Bossy Sisters let me know that 1) they believe in me, 2) they love me, 3) they've been there too (haven't we all?), and 4) they are good listeners.

Here is just a snippet:

"Let the little things go. If that doesn't work, let the mid-size things go. :) "
-Bossy Sister Melissa

"You have taken on a serious challenge and you are rising to meet the demands. You can do this! I think you will always be glad you did it."
-Bossy Sister Sally

"I understand completely. It is really hard but you can do hard things. I love you. Hang in there. You are amazing."
-Bossy Sister Robin


And finally, the one that made me laugh the most:

"Well, you took a pretty big bite. I wouldn't be surprised if you have to chew with your mouth open and a few little crumbs fall out."
-Bossy but Wise (and funny) Robin



Is there anything in your life that you're willing to admit to doing just "good enough"? What secret tricks of the trade can you share with me? (I need them!)

Happy Father's Day!

by Emily

Dedicated to Dads: we love you and appreciate you. Maybe your story isn't like this, but you're needed in your own unique way. Here's to you, the way you continue to give and love year after year. We love you.

Mother's Day Miscellany

by Emily

I've been a mother for a few years now. Nothing compared to my sisters' experience as mothers, and especially nothing compared to my mother and mother-in-law's experience. [I can't imagine what it will be like to be mother to older children, and I DON'T want to imagine it! Wah!] Still, I spend a lot of time thinking about motherhood. What it means to me, how it changes a woman. I read books about it.

I am it, I guess.

This is just to say to my own mother and other mothers out there, I love you. My appreciation and understanding of the magnitude of your sacrifice, love, service and devotion, and priceless worth grows deeper each year.

Some women hate mother's day. I think I can understand the complexities it holds for many of us, mothers or not. I can imagine the many ways it could be a rough day for people with different experiences than mine. It makes me ache for them.

This year I am helping organize a small gift for all the women who go to church on Sunday. It is small. But just planing this makes me excited and gets me thinking about all the women I know and love, and their unique role in my life. I love being a part of this gesture to honor them, mothers or not.

I am looking at mother's day this year as a way to show honor and reverence for the role of mother. I am thankful for a loving God whose plan included mothers. I am thankful for the mother He gave me.

I wait with anticipation for my sister-in-law Erin to become a mother. There is something so special and magical about that first time, the transition into Motherhood. I think Erin may very well be the best mother I'll ever know. First of all (not first in importance though), she is pretty, and beautiful, and cute.

Beautiful, Radiant, Gorgeous. Woman!

[ It is so gratifying to look at your mommy and feel that she is "the most beautiful girl in the whole world". I always felt that way about my own mother, still do.]

Second of all Erin is giving, kind, generous, selfless, nurturing, thoughtful, cheerful, long suffering, fun, loving, beloved, love, love, love ,love, love. She really is all those things. All those loves.

Sometimes she asks me for advice, and that makes me feel good.

I know what I am talking about because I have a wonderful mother.
I love you, Mom. I don't know if I can do it as well as you did it, but I keep trying.

Do Something Nice For Your Husband

by Emily

Or, if you don't have a husband, do something nice for someone who plays a major role in your life.

For me, the something nice is sometimes just a cheerful smile and can-do attitude. Sometimes its a house that is quickly picked up and dinner ready to go when he gets home from work, topped off with a cheerful, "Daddy's home! Yay!" (*kissy kissy hug hug squeeze*)


About 4 years ago when I was practicing my new role as a SAHM, I decided that for a week straight I would make a deliberate effort to do 3 things each evening when my husband arrived home from work (school):

1. Have the family room and kitchen picked up (just a quick 10 minute pick-up)
2. Have dinner made, or nearly made, when my husband got home (this was new, prior to this we had both been working hard equally outside the home, so dinner was a coin-toss and usually ended up with each-man-for-himself)
3. When he walked in the door: STOP what I was doing, GIVE him a kiss and a squeeze, LOOK him in the eye, and SAY something heartfelt ("I missed you!" "I'm so glad you're home!" "How has your day been?" "My favorite time of day is when you come home!") and LISTEN to him.

Every misguided feminist part of me resisted doing this--terribly. It was so...so...so Dr. Laura. So subservient-housewifish. I felt like I was too good to be relegated to this kind of servitude.

Luckily for me (and my family) I've learned a lot more about service since that time. What a week of marital bliss! I don't do that every evening anymore, but I am more consistent with dinner, and I understand what a difference those things make. I could go on about how it changed the feeling in our home when I did that experiment, I could go on about the miracle of love and service.

It's a good reminder to myself to recommit to those that I love most in life. I wonder what my next experiment should be? Oh yeah...going to bed at 9pm each night. I'm working on that. It's a good one too.

Have you ever done an experiment like this? What has taken you years to find out about your spouse/roommates/co-workers/parents/etc? I really, truly, sincerely want to know. Please share (you might inspire someone)!

The Story of Ferdinand

by Emily
We love The Story of Ferdinand, written in the 1930's by Munro Leaf & illustrated by Robert Lawson. The story is beautiful, the pen and ink illustrations are those of which you fall in love. Ferdinand's eyes, his mother's expressions, his surprise at a bee's sting--Lawson nails every detail, nuanced expression, and landscape.

(If you have been to Ronda, Spain, or Andalucia, you will recognize how accurate these illustrations are!)

This is a book I don't mind reading to my children again and again.

My husband loved the book as a child (a gift from a radical auntie), calling it "Ferdinand Ze Bull!" I didn't read The Story of Ferdinand until I was married to him, in my late-twenties-- his copy all tattered, masking tape on the binding so old it was crusted over, hardened, and torn. The pages completely loose.

We finally bought a replacement copy for our own children--but the original cannot be thrown out. I think we'll frame a few favorite illustrations.

I love the affirmation of the story: that just because you're a powerful, strong, and fierce bull, doesn't mean that you have to fight. More than that, though, I love the message of a mother who loves her child (minor theme). And I love the message of an individual being true to herself despite what others expect of her (in this case a "he", but it crosses gender lines easily enough).

I like to not overthink it too much, in fact, reading about all the politics that have been forced onto this story as an allegory (it lends itself easily to that) sort of turns me off.

Mostly I think it appeals to me because I've never been much of a "traditionally competitive" personality. It's not in my nature to be competitive to the point of it costing those with whom I'm competing. Plus, being a loser just feels awful--and instead of that motivating me to want to be The Winner, it made me not want to compete. Hurt feelings and all that...I'm uncomfortable with winners and losers, I tend towards wanting everyone to be happy and peaceable. So my inner child loves this story, and so does my mothering-self.










Who knew it was such a radical book? Check out rocker Elliot Smith's (RIP) Ferdinand tat on his bicep. ---> If you're going to have a tat, that is a totally cool one.

Also, Fall Out Boy (an alt-rock band) titled an album From Under the Cork Tree, an obvious reference to the book.

The Real Story of Ferdinand (the "real wiki story") can be found here.






(To Robin & my Mom: Ferdinand reminds me a bit of you, as he just loves to sit and smell the flowers)

Teach Your Children to Play by Themselves

by Emily

(Happy St. Patrick's Day! click here!)

When Sally had her first baby, we were lucky enough to live within an hour drive of each other. Because I was fairly newlywed and we were childless, I paid keen attention to this transition in Sally's life.

Which easily takes me on a tangent: being the youngest of 5 is awesome because you really do get so much out of watching your siblings go before you. In my case, I had the best examples. I have especially been watching Sally my whole life, as we are closest in age, and this "watching" has been done both inadvertently and intentionally.

Back to the point: I babysat my sweet nephew every chance I could get. I loved it. This was nothing new, I've been an aunt since I was 9, and I can remember each and every one of my nieces' and nephews' births and the magnitude of the occasion, how I felt my life touched and affected by each one individually.


But this was different, because all of a sudden, this time, it could be me.


Fast forward years later, and it is me.


So here is an important lesson I learned from Sally: Teach your children to play by themselves.

Oh, yes! It can be done! How, you ask? Prove it, you say in disbelief. I have a few short suggestions, and they may not jive with your parenting style, but it has worked for me, and I'm pretty sure it's worked for Sally.

1) Get DVR. Teach your child how to use the remote control.

2) Make snacks (fruit gummies, goldfish crackers, juice boxes) readily available, within your child's reach--you know, so they can help themselves.

3) Invest in a large library of VHS video tapes (because they're less easily ruined than DVDs) and teach your child how to use the VHS player.

4) Put all toys, markers, crayons, playdoh, etc. within arms reach for your child and let them have free reign.

5) Make sure your bathroom door has a lock on it, or maybe your bedroom door. This is so you can lock yourself in, and your children out, when the chaos hits the fan. You might consider some emergency rations in this room (chocolate, Dr. Pepper, a cordless phone, and some magazines...maybe a laptop with wireless internet).



HA! JUST KIDDING!


You didn't think I was serious, did you? Sally, did you really think I was going to soil your name on the World Wide Web like this? ;-)

No, the truth is, and we learn this again and again: an ounce of prevention is worth a stitch in time. No, wait. A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure? Hold on...that's not quite right...

Aphorisms are repeated again and again because of one thing: they teach a simple truth that we tend to need to learn over and over.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

A little effort upfront will save you a lot of effort and frustration down the road--and isn't this true to just about everything in life, including all aspects of parenting?

One of the first things I did (and I got this wisdom from Sally, not that garbage above), is that when my sweet little newborn awakens in the morning, or after a nap, and said baby is happily playing or cooing in the crib...as much as I may want to go in and scoop babyliciousness up in my arms, I let that baby play. He is happy. Alone. By himself. Playing. Entertaining himself. Not demanding anything.

THIS IS A SKILL that must be learned. Start early.

Another tip: ROUTINES (I totally struggle with this).

I wish my "routine" were a little more routine, like this:

Wake up (get myself dressed and fed, before kids wake up)
Kids dressed
Breakfast

Alone play time (sometimes I put on some child-friendly music to help, sometimes I deliberately get the kids "set-up" with an activity and then leave them alone to continue)

Snack
Walk? Library? Playgroup? (usually just more playtime)

Lunch
Naps

Wake-up snack
My oldest child has been doing "Preschool Pages" (from a workbook) after "nap" time, I direct her to get her started, then she does it ALONE

Playtime (by this point in the day I need to stop what I'm doing and spend some good playtime with my kids--reading books, or playing on the floor, going outside)

(maybe a nice, single video while I get dinner ready)

Dinner
PJs
Family Scripture Study
Family Prayer
Book
BEDTIME @ 7:00pm!

Celebration because kids are in bed!
Do something enjoyable
Go to bed early

(This is what I strive for, not what I actually do...)
I'm also a strong believer in organization of toys. If you have known me from my childhood, this will make you laugh because I always had the messiest room (please, let's not hog up the comments section with "hilarious" anecdotes of how messy my room was, okay? That's just so... unoriginal...;-))

Though I believe in ORGANIZATION, I don't really know how to do it. So don't ask me how.

Messy toys DO NOT GET PLAYED WITH. Which then results in bored children, which then results in parents being constantly nagged by kids who can't seem to play by themselves.

Finally, one last tip. I just refuse to let my life be dictated by a 3 year old. Ha! How rediculous of a statement is that? Let's be honest, who is in control here, me or she? I'm laughing because the truth is, I love her, and I pay sincere attention to her needs. It is "She" who must be obeyed. So let's have a sense of humor about this. Sometimes though, if she is bored, that is just her problem, and she needs the opportunity to figure it out.

How I respond to these repeated pleas of attention due to boredom differs day to day. Sometimes I just ignore her--I'll tell her, "I'm sorry, but you have to decide by yourself what to do right now. Right now it is Mommy's turn to do some work alone, and it is (child's name here)'s turn to play or work by yourself. You're in charge of finding something to do," and then I turn my back (turn on my mommy-sonar listening ears) and pretend to not notice her display of displeasure.

Sometimes I give in, and all it takes is 10 minutes of undivided attention and love to fill her emotional bucket, and then she's good, and I'm good, and it turned out to be the best 10 minutes of my day (her day too).

And then sometimes...I put a video in, and turn off the guilt switch.

We have to be kind to our kids, we have to try to teach them (give them the opportunity to learn this skill, even if you feel like your being a mean mommy by doing it) to play by themselves. But do it deliberately. And don't be so hard on yourself. And try to laugh. And...and...and...

I feel like these things have really helped. I am always looking for new tricks of the trade, so PLEASE share any wisdom and suggestions--or maybe just humor--we can all use a good laugh ;-)

Grief

by Sally

Joyce, years ago, with one of my little ones.

Two weeks ago yesterday, I lost someone who I love. Her name is Joyce Ann Peterson Jarrard. Joyce had four kids, who are all grown and married and having families of their own. She was a really wonderful, sweet, kind, fun woman. She has worked hard her whole life to raise her children well, serve in her church, be a good friend, sister and daughter, and also helped support the family by working on and off. She was a great person. And such an incredibly loving and supportive grandma. We lived in the same town as her for over 10 years (we moved away last year), and I am lucky that I got to know her well and love her. She had a positive impact on my life, frequently. I really love her and I care about her family. She died of cancer. It started as colon cancer more than a year ago, and they thought she beat it, but it came back and took her. She was only 59. We knew it was coming and if that made it easier on those of us who care about her, I hate to think what it would be like if we hadn't had warning.



The week after she died, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I would be distracted and feel normal, then 10 seconds later I felt like my soul was being runover by a train. I was devastated by Joyce's death. But I felt like I should have been able to cope with it much, much better. I have had over 7 months to deal with this knowledge, that this would happen. We went to visit Joyce in November, and while I hoped I would see her again at least one more time, I knew it was unlikely and I really mourned her after that trip. I thought it had sunk in that I would lose Joyce in my life, and my heart ached for her beloved children and grandchildren and husband.



Instead, in the week following her death, I could hardly function. I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried all day and I could not pull myself together. One of the many things I've learned over the past few weeks is that it's very difficult to prepare for the death of a loved one. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong, and I don't know if you can truly prepare for such a thing.



I'm so sad that she is really gone and I've lost her in my life. I am so very sorry for her children, husband, her sister and brother, all of her relatives and friends. Surely her family's grief dwarfs mine, and I wish I could somehow give them comfort.



The saying that you don't know what you have until it is gone is true! I didn't realize the magnitude of Joyce's impact on my life until I spent a week reflecting on what she has meant to me.



I met Joyce because she is my husband's aunt. We became friends, and over the course of 10 years, she and I saw each other about once a month but sometimes much more frequently. If we hadn't talked for 2-3 weeks she would call me, then I would call her back when the kids were in bed or occupied, and we'd talk on the phone for at least an hour each time. I loved to visit with her and we could talk forever. My husband was traveling frequently at that time, and she brought me dinner every 3-4 months just out of the blue, for probably 5 years! When she finished chemo last year, we were packing up to move, and she brought me dinner even though she was still sick from chemo! I protested when she called me but she said she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Joyce helped throw baby showers and came to the hospital when each of my kids were born. She had the cutest smile and a great, friendly laugh that filled a room. She was 100% sincere and she cared very much for the people around her. She told me a lot about her family, her concerns and love for her children and grandchildren. She was a very proud grandma and I am so sorry her grandchildren have lost her. We talked frequently when Joyce's parents lived with Joyce & Craig, and Jason and I would go with the kids to take them (my husband's grandparents) to In-n-Out for lunch. We had our son's birthday party at her house last summer because we were in boxes to move. We had lots of holidays and get-togethers at her house and at ours.

Joyce loved to play games, one of her favorites was CatchPhrase. She always had toys for her grandkids and always got them out when my kids were there. She showed a sincere, loving interest in my children. She loved her family so much, and her extended family. She was an important person in many lives, not just her immediate family, but her nieces Becky and Jennie, her sister-in-law Mary, and the children she worked with at church, whom she adored. My mother-in-law counted Joyce as her best friend and is heartbroken at her loss. Joyce's life, every bit of it, was a benefit to those around her.



Joyce helped me to know my mother-in-law better. I would see many good qualities in Joyce, because I saw her so frequently, and then easily identify those same good qualities in my MIL. Being close to Joyce helped me to really love my mother-in-law, who I now count as one of my best friends.



I am really going to miss Joyce. Joyce being gone redefines my relationship with the world, in a small way, but nonetheless--the world is changed. It's hard to believe. Going to the funeral last weekend was therapeutic, and helped me to accept that this is what must be. It was beautiful to see her children and grandchildren and the strength of their love for each other. It was amazing to see the hundreds of people at her funeral, and uplifting and inspiring to hear her sister, children and friends speak about her. I was impressed to realize that while Joyce was special in my life, she was that way for many people. What an incredible legacy.



I do believe that I will see Joyce again, and get to spend as much time with her as I like. I know that her husband, children and grandchildren will get to hug and kiss and play and make silly jokes with her again. I am grateful for this, and I know she is with her parents now and I do believe that she is out of her pain and probably very happy. But until we get to see her again, we will truly miss her.

The most important thing I have learned is that I don't want to wait until I am forced to reflect on someone's impact on my life. I want to appreciate, deeply, the love and kindness of my friends and family--right now. I want to tell them how positively they impact my life and that I love them. I hope you will too.



Joyce, I will always remember you as a good friend to me. I am so grateful that I lived by you and got to have you in my life. Thank you for being so wonderful. We love you, Aunt Joyce.

The Numbing

by Emily

Exhibit A: The Numbing

Dilbert

Joe clipped this cartoon from the local paper's funnies over 5 years ago. It still comes to mind at random times in life. Recently I thought of it in humorous terms as a SAHM. I think it translates pretty well, don't you?


Exhibit B: The Smothering

The Sword in the Stone

"Um, Merlin? How will we get by?" and then to the girl squirrel, "Go on! Go on! You've got lots of room!"

Those squirrels are so darn cute! This cartoon makes me laugh out loud. I love the choreography of the tails, the absolute certainty of the girl squirrel--absolutely certain that the boy squirrel is just as in love with her and she is with him.

It reminds me of my children and captures so well how I often feel. They're SO cute, and sometimes I think I'm about to go CRAZY CAKES on them if they do not "go on! go on!" or "leave me alone" or "go away" or realize that there is "lots of room" for all of us. Just like the Wart (future King Arthur) is trying to figure out how to "get by" the squirrel, I sometimes feel like I spend my entire day trying to "get by" my kids--there is so much to do! It is all so important (you know) like dishes, laundry, meal prep, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!

There is a story my Bossy sister Robin tells that I love. It goes something like this: while watching old family videos and nearly weeping at the cuteness and littleness of her children, she hears a horrible, horrible thing in the background. Here are these adorable squeaky voices of Hannah, Gabe, and Noah in all their smallness and sweetness. And there it is again--the horrible thing in the background. It is mom. Mom's exasperated, annoyed, I'm-about-to-go-CRAZY-CAKES-on-you-all-if-you-don't-knock-it-off-right-now voice.

Only, in Robin's telling of the story it is much funnier, and she'll say something about how surely that wasn't her in the background behind the scenes! That must have been some other wicked-step-mother. She felt nothing but love and never-ending-patience for her children. All the time. Every minute. Every day.

Exhibit C: The Moment

I know that the dishes and the laundry and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning can wait. I know that. But I don't always feel that. Bossy sister Melissa has a quote on her blog that I love, that I will steal and share (I think I need to laminate it and tape it to my forehead):

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” Anna Quindlen

So here's to the Numbing, the Smothering, and the Moment: Love is a Powerful Thing. At least that's what Merlin says to future King Arthur after their adventure as squirrels. I believe it, and I'll try not to forget it.

The Functional Family

by Emily

My top 2 desires as a blogger are to: 1) make you laugh (that brings me great satisfaction) and 2) help create world peace (can't do it alone!). In today's post, I attempt #2 in a small way.


Recently my husband and I got away for a long weekend without the kids. The 7 hour drive was wonderful and strange and even dull in some ways. I found myself struggling with maintaining a thoughtful conversation for more than a few minutes at a time. My brain is trained to think in short minute increments--as I am constantly being interrupted by my 1 & 3 year old. It was so restful not having to crane my head and neck around, reaching far back in the car to pass out treats or pick up a dropped toy.

The whole weekend was wonderful, eating out (without the kids), conversations uninterrupted, unlimited in our flexibility to do what we want when we wanted. But it was also kind of strange, like that 7 hour drive to get there. It was too long away from the kids and not long enough.


It has made me think a lot lately about my relationships with my family members, my husband in particular, and my children individually.

A few mornings ago I found an article Joe had been reading, "The Functional Family" by James D. MacArthur, PhD (Director of BYU's Counseling and Career Center). This article was extremely relevant to things I've been meditating on lately, specifically strengthening my family and prioritizing family relationships.

{If you haven't read Sally's interview with Joy (yesterday's post), go read it now. It is wonderful, thought provoking, and I gained so many insights from Joy sharing her experience and wisdom.}

While there were so many different issues of importance brought up in the interview with Joy, these are two things stood out to me in Joy's interview answers (yesterday's post, go read it now!)--her and Scott's deliberate plans and actions to take care of their relationship with each other and their children during this great trial. She says: "I think our marriage has been strengthened by this experience. We have watched each other shoulder amazing burdens and overcome obstacles for each of us that amazed us."

But do we want to wait for burdens as an excuse/motivator to build our relationships? I don't think any one does, and I thought Joy said it so well: "Maybe I will think differently about good things coming from this experience when I look back many years from now, but right now it feels too raw and painful to see much positive. I thought at first when I answered I would write about how it has brought me closer to certain friends who have really been there for me. And while this is true, I would rather have gotten closer to them through a positive experience instead. "

I don't want to wait for a major trial to force me to think about this. When we are faced with an unusual amount of stress or strain in our life, we can choose how we are going to handle it, learn and grow from it. But, like Joy said, I would rather get closer to my husband and my children through positive experiences instead. If I can be spared a trial like Joy's, I hope God will spare me that--but I want that bonding and strengthening, and I think that in my search on how to do this, I am finding ways to foster and grow my relationship with my husband and my children through positive experiences.


Two points that Dr. MacArthur makes stand out to me:

1) In a functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families.

2) In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance.

Joy talked about how they decided to use their rainy-day fund to pay for the extra help they needed during this temporary time in their life. She talked about deliberately scheduled days so that time could be spent with each member of the family, but also about accepting help from others with her daughter so that her daughter's emotional needs are met.

Dr. MacArthur suggests some obvious and simple things for those of us who are not in crisis mode, and though they are obvious, I appreciated being reminded of these things (I like to read this list with each individual family member in mind):

• talk together


• play together


• one-on-one time together


• send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection


• give compliments


• do something fun and unexpected


• say "I love you"


• listen to the other person


• ask him or her to help you on a project


• share personal feelings

He says, "All of these require that you personally get engaged in things the other person is doing...you might be surprised at how far-reaching your positive influence can be."

So many of you, readers, have been specific examples to me of these things.

My own mother and her husband make very conscious efforts to accommodate each others' needs, whether it's mom's need to travel to visit children, or Alan's need to work creatively with his instruments.

I've watched my parents-in-law go from a full house to an empty nest and all children married in a matter of 5 years. I see them putting a concerted effort into their marriage now that the children are grown and "out of the way". They've always been loving to each other, doing acts of service for each other, but I've noticed they've stepped it up a notch. It is beautiful.

My friend Hilary posts the most genuine posts of love for her children and husband, and a recent post about her husband's efforts to re-create a special memory of their high school romance. They've been a couple for a long time, and I can see how their love makes them want to do things for each other, but also how that cycle repeats, and the doing things for each other increases their love.

I see my sister Robin who has been married the longest of us Bossy Sisters, and how she and Roland put endless hours and efforts of love into their children, their marriage. One of the things I love most about R&R is their sense of humor to get through life and enjoy each other's company. One of the things I admire the most in their family is the absolute devotion they have to their children. When I read "The Functional Family" article, I can think of specific examples of how R&R have fulfilled every single category that Dr. MacArthur puts forth to have a loving, stable family. Anyone who knows them will attest to the love they have for each other.

This is to say that when life is stripped away to its bare minimal components, I want to see strong, loving relationships at its foundation. I want to know that my efforts were intentional. I want to be ready and make the same kind of decisions that I've seen you make everyday, and also in times of trauma and crisis to strengthen and uphold each other. I want to do that now with deliberate positive experiences that we create.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I love my husband. I cannot imagine building a life with anyone else. Our children are precious to us, it almost makes me panic to think about teaching them and equipping them adequately for this life. But I think I'm learning that its not enough to just love, you have to do something about it--consistently. It is never ending and it can continue to grow.

{Now, hopefully my next post will make you laugh.}

"You rock like a princess."

by Sally



You look good today. Your hair looks great. You have a beautiful smile. And your personality just shines through that smile. And I like that shirt! It's cute.

You know, I love the comments you leave. You are funny, insightful, and you have great experiences to share. Sometimes when I read your comments I think--why can't I be neighbors with her? I so enjoy what you write. I look forward to reading what you have to say and your impressions and ideas. You have so much to offer the world.

And your blog is fun to read, interesting, and your kids are super adorable. I can tell that you are a good mom, even though there may be days when you feel like you're not at your best. Your kids are lucky that you are their fun mom. And I've noticed that you are a good photographer.

Your husband rocks, but you rock like a princess. And I mean it.

Last but not least, this applause is for you. You are awesome and your crowd is going wild for you.





This post was inspired by my preschooler, who recently told me this: "Daddy rocks. But Mama, you rock like a princess." I loved to hear that from him and I wanted to send some of the same appreciation to you.

'Twas the night before houseguests

'Twas the night before houseguests and all through my house
Not a thing was quite ready, not even my spouse.
The towels were hung in the bathroom with care,
In hopes that our guests would not see the mess there.

The children are nestled all snug in MY bed,
While dread of sleep deprivation dances in my head!
You see, me in my slippers and Jason trav’ling Texas
Had just gotten used to a house without houseguests.

When out on the internet there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my desk to see what was the matter
When, what to my web-surfing eyes should appear,

But a birthday invite! How I hope they’ll stay here!

With 5 sweet children, so precious and good,

I just cannot wait to see M’lissa and David.

More rapid than eagles Emily and kids came,

And have kept me company and kept me sane.

"Now, Mom! now, Robin! now, Kristen and kids!

I love you so much! But there’s no more room in the inn.

To the Crowne Plaza Hotel! It is right by the mall!

Now hurry up! Come right now! Dash away all!"

As siblings that live far apart, far and wide,

When their grandma turns 90, they mount to the sky,

So up with Southwest, United and Delta they flew,

With their arms full of kid’s gear, and lots of love too.

And now, in a twinkling, I've realized right quick

That my family won’t judge me if things aren’t perfect.

We are coming together to celebrate and do
Our grandma’s 90th birthday! And Jane’s baptism, too!

This is the t-shirt logo for our Grandma's birthday. Ninety is the new forty.

We haven’t all been together for years...
Thinking of that puts me almost in tears.
I care not if my house is just perfectly right;
My heart swells to think of the beautiful sight:

Of our family, together. How lucky are we!
To be a happy, loving, eternal family.

STILL, all will be gathered here for days on end
And I have plenty of things to mend.
The kids’ toys, their closets and more are a mess!
We all will work hard and just do our best.

My pantry is stocked with chocolate and junk food
And not to be bossy or demanding or rude,
But a job chart is hung on the fridge with great care
In hopes that I won’t be pulling out my hair!

In truth, I can’t wait to see my sweet fam’ly
With their kind faces and warm love for me.
They are witty and smart, a right jolly old crew
And we never run out of fun things to do.

Remembering this and all else that I’ve said,
Helps me to know I have nothing to dread;
Now I’ll websurf no more, but go straight to my work,
And clean up this house; with a smile as a perk,

This is always what I look like when I do housework. Always.

And setting my alarm as early as it can,

I’ll awake to continue my housecleaning plan;

Such that when all arrive I’ll feel cheerful, not weepy

But I think most of all I’ll be feeling quite sleepy.

So they’ll hear me exclaim, ere I run out of sight,

"Welcome to all! And to all a good night!"

......................................................................................................................................

The real story: I love having houseguests. Robin the Wonderful has planned a party for our Grandma's 90th birthday (I hope she will blog about it), and every member of our family will be here for it! When I found out that everyone would be able to come, I invited (begged) those that live furthest away and have the youngest/most kids to stay with me. We will be in cousin heaven here and I can't wait.

Merry Christmas Eve!

by Emily


For the Fun:

Instead of being a time of unusual behavior, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish. Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a man has to be himself.
-Francis C. Farley


Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
-Ken Hubbard

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

-Norman Vincent Peale

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring,--not even a mouse: The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

-Clement C. Moore

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.

-Author Unknown

Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and a nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chilled hidebound hearts.

-Henry Vaughan

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

-P.J. O'Rourke

I do like Christmas on the whole.... In its clumsy way, it does approach Peace and Goodwill. But it is clumsier every year.

-E.M. Forster

For What Brings Peace and Hope:

For the spirit of Christmas fulfils the greatest hunger of mankind.

-Loring A. Schuler

The time draws near the birth of Christ: The moon is hid; the night is still; The Christmas bells from hill to hill Answer each other in the mist.

-Lord Alfred Tennyson

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

-Luke 2:13-14

Great little One! whose all-embracing birth Lifts Earth to Heaven, stoops Heaven to Earth.

-Richard Crashaw

Smitten...

There are many things that bring feelings of happiness to me... sparkly untouched snow under a bright moon, the warm spot on the carpet where the sun has been shining, waking up to a child singing, but really the thing that makes me the happiest is my kids doing what they are supposed to do.

Yesterday was a stinky and fabulous day together. I was frustrated with one of my children and concerned about him and his choices, and my other child...well, he cleaned the entire downstairs - thoroughly, without being asked. He is helpful and cheerful and loves to spend time with me. At one point I thought almost at the same moment "What a crappy day!" and "Could this day be any better?!" Talk about an internal conflict.

Last night I went up to my son's room and sat on his bed with him. He was texting friends and I just sat and we talked just a little, about nothing really. Over about 20 minutes he mostly quit texting his friends, although I never said a thing about it. Then he started talking to me about some good things going on. Some great lessons he's learned in seminary, and a favorite talk from the Christmas Devotional. Then we started talking about some of the things that are concerning to me. We cried a little, we laughed a lot, and in the end I'm not as worried as I was.

Confession here, I told him how I really feel. I told him how deeply I love him. I explained that the words were usually used to convey a romantic love, but really, they just mean all consuming. I told him that the moment I found out I was pregnant with him I was in love with him. And that even still, I am in love with him, I am smitten, I adore him. I can't wait to see him and talk to him each day. I told him I feel the same way about his brother. That they are the very best of me, the best accomplishments I have, and the only ones that matter at all to me. They bring me the greatest joy in my life, no other joy even comes close. I told him again...I am smitten.

Smitten...he smiled at that, and got teary eyed. It is important. Now he knows.

Smitten, I tell ya....Smitten.