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When Sally had her first baby, we were lucky enough to live within an hour drive of each other. Because I was fairly newlywed and we were childless, I paid keen attention to this transition in Sally's life.
Which easily takes me on a tangent: being the youngest of 5 is awesome because you really do get so much out of watching your siblings go before you. In my case, I had the best examples. I have especially been watching Sally my whole life, as we are closest in age, and this "watching" has been done both inadvertently and intentionally.
Back to the point: I babysat my sweet nephew every chance I could get. I loved it. This was nothing new, I've been an aunt since I was 9, and I can remember each and every one of my nieces' and nephews' births and the magnitude of the occasion, how I felt my life touched and affected by each one individually.
But this was different, because all of a sudden, this time, it could be me.
Fast forward years later, and it is me.
So here is an important lesson I learned from Sally: Teach your children to play by themselves.
Oh, yes! It can be done! How, you ask? Prove it, you say in disbelief. I have a few short suggestions, and they may not jive with your parenting style, but it has worked for me, and I'm pretty sure it's worked for Sally.
1) Get DVR. Teach your child how to use the remote control.
2) Make snacks (fruit gummies, goldfish crackers, juice boxes) readily available, within your child's reach--you know, so they can help themselves.
3) Invest in a large library of VHS video tapes (because they're less easily ruined than DVDs) and teach your child how to use the VHS player.
4) Put all toys, markers, crayons, playdoh, etc. within arms reach for your child and let them have free reign.
5) Make sure your bathroom door has a lock on it, or maybe your bedroom door. This is so you can lock yourself in, and your children out, when the chaos hits the fan. You might consider some emergency rations in this room (chocolate, Dr. Pepper, a cordless phone, and some magazines...maybe a laptop with wireless internet).
HA! JUST KIDDING!
You didn't think I was serious, did you? Sally, did you really think I was going to soil your name on the World Wide Web like this? ;-)
No, the truth is, and we learn this again and again: an ounce of prevention is worth a stitch in time. No, wait. A stitch in time is worth a pound of cure? Hold on...that's not quite right...
Aphorisms are repeated again and again because of one thing: they teach a simple truth that we tend to need to learn over and over.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
A little effort upfront will save you a lot of effort and frustration down the road--and isn't this true to just about everything in life, including all aspects of parenting?
One of the first things I did (and I got this wisdom from Sally, not that garbage above), is that when my sweet little newborn awakens in the morning, or after a nap, and said baby is happily playing or cooing in the crib...as much as I may want to go in and scoop babyliciousness up in my arms, I let that baby play. He is happy. Alone. By himself. Playing. Entertaining himself. Not demanding anything.
THIS IS A SKILL that must be learned. Start early.
Another tip: ROUTINES (I totally struggle with this).
I wish my "routine" were a little more routine, like this:
Wake up (get myself dressed and fed, before kids wake up)
Kids dressed
Breakfast
Alone play time (sometimes I put on some child-friendly music to help, sometimes I deliberately get the kids "set-up" with an activity and then leave them alone to continue)
Snack
Walk? Library? Playgroup? (usually just more playtime)
Lunch
Naps
Wake-up snack
My oldest child has been doing "Preschool Pages" (from a workbook) after "nap" time, I direct her to get her started, then she does it ALONE
Playtime (by this point in the day I need to stop what I'm doing and spend some good playtime with my kids--reading books, or playing on the floor, going outside)
(maybe a nice, single video while I get dinner ready)
Dinner
PJs
Family Scripture Study
Family Prayer
Book
BEDTIME @ 7:00pm!
Celebration because kids are in bed!
Do something enjoyable
Go to bed early
(This is what I strive for, not what I actually do...)
I'm also a strong believer in organization of toys. If you have known me from my childhood, this will make you laugh because I always had the messiest room (please, let's not hog up the comments section with "hilarious" anecdotes of how messy my room was, okay? That's just so... unoriginal...;-))
Though I believe in ORGANIZATION, I don't really know how to do it. So don't ask me how.
Messy toys DO NOT GET PLAYED WITH. Which then results in bored children, which then results in parents being constantly nagged by kids who can't seem to play by themselves.
Finally, one last tip. I just refuse to let my life be dictated by a 3 year old. Ha! How rediculous of a statement is that? Let's be honest, who is in control here, me or she? I'm laughing because the truth is, I love her, and I pay sincere attention to her needs. It is "She" who must be obeyed. So let's have a sense of humor about this. Sometimes though, if she is bored, that is just her problem, and she needs the opportunity to figure it out.
How I respond to these repeated pleas of attention due to boredom differs day to day. Sometimes I just ignore her--I'll tell her, "I'm sorry, but you have to decide by yourself what to do right now. Right now it is Mommy's turn to do some work alone, and it is (child's name here)'s turn to play or work by yourself. You're in charge of finding something to do," and then I turn my back (turn on my mommy-sonar listening ears) and pretend to not notice her display of displeasure.
And then sometimes...I put a video in, and turn off the guilt switch.
We have to be kind to our kids, we have to try to teach them (give them the opportunity to learn this skill, even if you feel like your being a mean mommy by doing it) to play by themselves. But do it deliberately. And don't be so hard on yourself. And try to laugh. And...and...and...
I feel like these things have really helped. I am always looking for new tricks of the trade, so PLEASE share any wisdom and suggestions--or maybe just humor--we can all use a good laugh ;-)
14 comments:
Oh wow. So when I read that first list I was thinking, "What is she talking about?! Sally, has the greatest control over t.v. watching and electronic games of almost any parent I know! Emily doesn't do this! What?!" But, ha ha, your so funny.
For total reals though - great post! Great ideas. Great mom! Well done!
Remember that time when Em's room was SO MESSY!!! Wow!
I liked your suggestion that we learn to ignore the "Display of displeasure". That display will never go away if you "notice" and acknowledge it. It will get worse and worse...over years...and years...until you have a 6'4" teenager having a display of displeasure. Shutter. Much better to nip that display in the bud and act like the child isn't screaming, whining, throwing things around. Eventually the child gives up the strenuous display and either falls asleep (it is very draining to spend all that energy) or calms down. THEN you can stop ignoring and sweetly offer a drink and read a book together.
Excellent advice Emily.
Kristen, I'm so glad that it made you confused, because, of course, I thought I was being absolutely hilarious while I was typing that list. I mean, I know it is a little rediculous, but I was laughing a little too hard at my own prank. So I'm glad you were like, "What is she talking about?!" :-)
And Robin, I think that what took you one paragraph to say, was mostly what I was trying to get at, but it took me much longer to say it. And the mouth (keyboard) runneth over.
I also was very confused.
This morning I let sam be happy and awake in her crb while I took a shower. It was a huge step.
Maybe this would have been a better APRIL FOOL'S post. ? ;-)
Actually, I like the first list. It is closer to my life...
You should see Henry hold the remote and try with all his might to get Max and Ruby to play. It is adorable, shoulders, hunched over, eyes intent.
I'm not good at letting my babes just be. Plus if they don't need me to play with them, what am I going to do? Laundry? ha ha ha!
You know what they say in France:
A gram of prevention is worth a kilogram of cure!
That just doesn't sound right.
The first list: I was shaking my head, thinking: no, no, no, that is not right at ALL.
Whew!!
Having children who can play by themselves is fabulous. I have learned that my children will unlearn this skill every day. And I sometimes find it hard to even remember that it's good for them to play alone.
I have been amazed at the number of times I've been on the phone with Emily and heard her ask her oldest to "Go play in your room by yourself, I'll check on you in a few minutes". WOW! Awesome.
My oldest and I have a morning routine that usually includes me doing dishes while he goes into our "library" and plays or "reads" or does something alone. It's a great time for both of us (OK not so much for me except that there's no where more peacefully lonely than at the sink doing dishes--why is that?!) in that we have that space to do our own thing. The second the water gets turned off signaling I'm done he's right there waiting for "what's next" but for a moment we do our own thing.
A sign of a healthy child is one that has learned to console themself and also one that has learned to play by themself. This big old world does not always provide us with entertainment or a hug once we are all grown up..... it's best each person have a backup plan for those times.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
Great Post.... even if you were kidding. *grins
http://dandybasket.blogspot.com/
Di--I'm with you on that 100%. I was only kidding about the first list that would be...embarassing parenting...
I love that my kids can play by themselves (not always by themselves, but lots of time). I think most of it is luck. Some of it is intentional parenting.
Chiska--my morning routine is so similar, I do dishes, my kids play with toys (make another mess else where to clean up). But it is nice to have a little space in the morning...to get adjusted to the rudeness of the day. ;-) Okay, its not that bad.
And THIS, for teaching your child to play by themself:
READ TO THEM, often. Start when they are newborns. It doesn't have to be nursery rhymes if they are only 2 months old. Establish a daily 20+ minute quiet time(s) by reading *your* books, in a soft voice, while you hold them. When they are toddlers they will still love to snuggle near you while you read, even though they don't understand the story.
LET THEM SEE YOU READING, alot. I loved to read while nursing my babies. They literally grew up with books in front of them. As they grew they saw me sitting quietly, reading silently to myself, and smiling. I enjoyable. Then they would imitate me and sit with a book, pretending to read
LET THEM HAVE THEIR OWN BOOKS. Keep them down low where they can get to them, not on a shelf where they merely lok pretty. Books are for reading, using-up as it were, not for decorating.
HAVE *SEVERAL* AGE APPROPRIATE BOOKS. In addition to librarians and bookstore clerks, get ideas from other parents about what books are best. Real parents, of real kids, usually have the best suggestions. When in doubt, always choose the easier reading levels.
LET THEM CHOOSE which book you are going to read to them. (You get tochoose how many pages if it is a longer book than you have time for.)
READ THEIR BOOKS TO THEM, often, over and over, as many times as they ask. If it gets too monotonous, go to the library & bring home more books.
P.S. Emily's room was messy only after she was old enough to understand that it was, indeed, her "own" space, and because her mom wasn't willing to accept responsibility for keeping it clean.
She is a much happier, better adjusted, and inner-validating person because of it. She was a delightful child, teen, and young aperson, and is now an awesome adult!
So, I am responding to this a little late but the timing of this is just perfect. Today I was laughing to myself about how Bryce follows me around the house ALL day long. If I leave the room for a moment he is right there behind me. I kept thinking, how am I EVER going to help this boy learn to play by himself? I know I am a pretty entertaining person, but I can't be that fun! :)
Anyway, I like your ideas. I like your thoughts on routine. I can definitely be better at that and maybe that would make a difference. I have been trying lately to get him started on an activity he seems to enjoy and then to slowly leave as he gets engrossed in it. It hasn't worked so well, but I am going to keep trying.
Maybe tomorrow I will work on teaching him how to use the remote....:)
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