Social Needs!

"I get so caught up with working, being a mom, and taking care of the house that I have completely let my social life disappear. I have friends, but not best friends, and I don't even know how to start creating a social life. How do I do that?"




Kristen Says: 

As a recently divorced single mom I can relate!  What I have begun to do regularly and it seems to be working, is putting a few nights/days on the calendar each month that are just for me.  I fill those times in a variety of ways.  I recently joined a book club - yay for books!  I also joined a group for women who are going through a transition in their lives.  I have had a few parties (not sales parties) including a game night, a pool "pity party", and last Halloween a "Witches Party".  The key is to decide what you are capable of and then schedule the time to do it.  If you have a few friends that you can confide in, let them know that you need more social time, and would they like to get together for lunch or a game night.  Pretty soon you will find that you are starting to do more and feeling happier in the process.

By the way, I found the Women in Transition group through meetup.com.  It is a national site with meetup groups for all interests and all groups of people in cities all across the U.S.  There are meetup groups for people who like to dine out, who like to exercise, garden, singles, travelers, you name it.  Check it out in your city.

Emily Says:

See our old post about starting a bookclub!

You have to be a friend, to have a friend.

Try doing a variety of things:

How about a lunch date with a handful of women your age? This is a casual setting to get to know people better. Make it a once monthly thing, and be sure that everyone knows they can invite whoever they want (if you want to avoid hurt feelings and get to know a lot of women). Call it your Lunch Bunch. It can be a group of women from work, church, school, the neighborhood, etc.

Or, decide (if you're married, include your husband) that every Sunday evening you're going to have a different friend/family over for an ice cream sundaes, so that you can get to know people better. Make it a regular thing, and don't stress about having a clean house. Ice cream sundaes are easy because you don't have to bake or cook anything, and you can buy it in advance. Eat outside for easy cleanup, or if the house is dirty. During cold weather, invite them over for cocoa or frozen hot chocolate (put a scoop of vanilla or peppermint ice cream in a cup of cocoa). Play an icebreaker game (that's another post for another day).

Check out the local theater and see if there are any Broadway shows or musicians you want to see, or the local cheap movie theater. Go with some women who you want to get to know better, and make an evening out of it. To save money, go to someone's house afterward for tea (I drink herbal) or cookies or dessert, or a light snack like air popped popcorn. Play a simple card game like uno, spoono, speed, BS, etc.

Decide how many times each month you're willing to organize something social, and stick to it. Even if turn out is poor, keep at it. People will catch on, it may take some time. I've had the experience where only 1 person showed up. It was so disappointing. I kept at it, and awhile later I had a full house, and that was so fun!

Check out the local library, coffee shop, or bakery for community events that might help you to meet people you share interests with.

Think small, don't overwhelm yourself with it. Making new friends takes time and energy, but it is worth it. Be ready to serve and help others. If you find yourself in a relationship that is draining, where you give and give, and the other person just takes and takes, then you'll need to wean yourself from that relationship (make yourself busy, unavailable, while still being friendly).

Sally Says: 

First of all, you are not alone! Being a mother, and a working mother at that, can be very isolating. If you are hoping to meet new friends, consider people at work, your neighbors, people at church, people at your child's school or daycare. When you are meeting new people, smile a lot and ask them all about themselves. That way you will know if they are good friend material. Plus they will like you--most people like others who are interested in them!

You could make a list of 6 women that you would like to develop close friendships with. Then schedule events--lunch, dinner, playdate, pedicure.  I use Google calendar to help me with this, because I really struggle with it too. I have recurring "meetings" in my calendar (every two weeks, monthly, etc) that remind me to call so-and-so, check my friend's private blogs, text someone specific, set up a time to see grandma, etc. Also, if I know something is coming up, like a friend is having her 20-week ultrasound, I try to put the day in my calendar so I get a little pop-up reminder and I can call or text her and ask how it went. Those kinds of communication are what moves a friend to become a best friend. It sounds so cheesy, but I think the best way to make a good friend is to be a good friend.

Robin Says:

Women need women. But just because you need someone doesn't mean that it is easy to find them! The bossy girls have given you some top notch advice! I bet your church has a women's group. That is where I find most of my friendships. I've also made some great friends in the neighborhood just by inviting them to lunch!

To Our Dear Readers!

Thanks for your questions! We would love to boss you around some more so send us your most urgent, or not so urgent concern and let us fix it for you. Email them to bossyhelp@gmail.com.

Slap Happy

My kids fight a lot lately. The other day I heard one of my children slapping/hitting the other child from the other room, a repeated "Slap slap slap slap" of skin on skin, and it really disturbed me. They are not aggressive kids, but the level of annoyance with each other has reached a peak. I think it is because the older child goes to school all day while the younger one stays home, and then when big sister gets home from school, little brother wants to play! But big sister is exhausted physically and emotionally from being in school for 6.5 hours and wants to be left alone. So little brother pesters, and big sister gets mad. And then the arguing begins, sometimes at low levels, sometimes in aggressive behavior.

What can I do to stop this?

Slap Happy in Ohio 

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Kristen Says:

I never really allowed my kids to fight, not that they never did, but they learned to handle conflict in other ways.  When my kids fought they had to sit on the couch holding hands and taking turns saying, "I love you" until they were both laughing.  It never took long and they ended up happy. 

One thing you can try to prevent it in the first place is to have something to keep little brother occupied for the first 15 minutes when big sister gets home.  You could also role play with both of them an appropriate way to respond when someone is "in their space."  Maybe they could practice saying and acting out something like this; Big Sister: "Little Brother, I need a little time by myself right now.  Can I play with you in 10 minutes?"  Little Brother: "Okay, I will wait in the playroom."  In this way, they learn skills to address this type of situation in the future.

Emily Says:

To Stop This Behavior: Tell them you're going to take them outside and nail them upside down to the fence. My dad used to say that, and I think it worked for me.  Or, actually, I think it made me cry (ha ha!) which is just another problem to deal with. :)

Sally Says:

You probably already have a good after-school routine, but maybe there is a way to give big sister some downtime immediately after school, perhaps she can drink a small smoothie in her bedroom and listen to music, while you give little brother undivided attention in another room for 10 minutes, so he feels loved and she feels calmed? I think it always helps to have a clear routine so they both know what to expect every day.

Also, music! Music is so powerful. Maybe you should make a playlist for after school. The kids can have a routine of sitting in the family room, looking at books, for the first two (calm) songs, and then after that the music gets more upbeat and they can share their books with each other, play with toys, dance, whatever.

My best days are when the youngest or youngest two are napping when the oldest gets home. That way I can have time to process the day with the oldest child and get his needs met before the younger siblings enter the scene. But it's hard to engineer the nap/carpool/etc schedules.

Robin Says:

This is normal. Kids fight. They always have and they always will. One thing that doesn't work is yelling at them to stop fighting. I tried that over and over and it just doesn't work. Punishing them for fighting doesn't help either. Avoid getting looped into their fight as the mediator or referee. Make them work it out without your help. They will learn important negotiation skills. When my kids would fight I would ignore their claims of who started what (that really doesn't matter at all) and separate them. Then I would give them another chance to play nice and they usually would - but sometimes they needed longer separation. And you probably need a separation too!

Quick! What is for dinner?

It's hard to know so much! So, once a week we will post a question from a reader, and then do our very best to tell you what to do.


You may not see a response from each sister because sometimes we say the same things. We hope you enjoy this new focus of our blog. If you have a question for us send it to bossyhelp@gmail.com. This question just came in last week!

I'm not a cook, I don't have a lot of time- but I want to feed my 2 year old healthy meals- healthy QUICK meals. So far I've mastered scrambled eggs, grilled chicken in a variety of forms, minestrone soup or bbq chicken in a crockpot, and a variety of frozen pizzas and lazagnas. What can I cook my family quickly, and what are a good backup 'fast food' options for toddlers beyond apples, hotdogs and cheese?

EMILY SAID:

Good question.

First of all, have you seen Robin's recent post at http://leantowardthesun.blogspot.com/2010/10/you-are-in-charge.html ? It is great.

Second of all, I have similar posts at: http://www.vegetablecarnival.com/category/kids-and-food

But here is my short answer: like Robin has said on her blog, YOU'RE in charge.

Easy foods my kids like:
-HUMUS!  For dipping crackers, bread, veggies, etc. This is awesome because it is packed with protein, and so yummy.
-convenience fruits (bananas, apples, grapes, clementines, pears, nectarines, peaches, strawberries--buy organic berries if you can as pesticides are concentrated in their seeds)
-Fruit that needs to be cut up first, but really--this is EASY to do: melons of all kinds, pineapple, watermelon
-Canned foods that are easy and nutritious: (get low sodium) Beans, beans, beans, black beans, brown beans, white beans, green beans. That is easy, just open a can of beans, drain, rinse is optional, and eat.
-Other canned foods: stewed, diced tomatoes (my kids love them plain), corn, carrots (younger kids like these more than older kids it seems), beets (I'm not kidding), etc. Just walk down the canned goods isle and buy a few to try.
-Edemame/ soy beans (freezer section, or fresh from the grocery sushi bar)
-guacamole dip

Veggies:
-carrot sticks, the mini mini ones, easier for small mouths to crunch and chew
-sugar snap peas
-frozen peas straight from the freezer
-tomatoes (my kids love fresh ones, plain, any variety, cherry, grape, regular, whatever)
-celery with peanut butter
-broccoli
-sweet potatoes (slice them into strips, bake until tender, sprinkle cinnamon on top)

-mushrooms (I'm not kidding when I say that Ruby loves them. She'll say, "YUCK!" and then we say, "But you love these!" and then she says, "I do?" and then she gobbles them up--it's a sort of game we play I guess)

Frozen Veggies:
-buy several bags to keep in your freezer, and pop them into the microwave. Buy a good variety, and avoid the ones with "butter sauces". My favorite seasoning for microwaved veggies is Dill Weed. It is savory and delicious. Also, we like the Mrs. Dash table blend. SO yummy.

Grains:

-Whole Wheat Pita
-Whole Grain Tortillas (watch out for fats, read the label, go with a shorter ingredient list with recognizable ingredients, favor a higher fat choice over a choice that has lots of chemical sounding ingredients--like the FLAT OUT wraps are NASTY! and have all kinds of yucky ingredients to make them soft and low fat, but they taste like plastic chemicals)
-whole grain rice
-whole wheat bread

Take the pita, cut it in half, stick it in the toaster, when it pops up, break it into pita chips, and dip in guacamole or humus or peanut butter.

There are just a few ideas to get you started.  It doesn't have to be hard. Think: fruits, veggies and grains that are simple and can be eaten just as they are. Think peanut butter and other dips like humus and guacamole.

Your child will resist at first, but YOU ARE IN CHARGE. If you have other junk OUT of the house, then eventually your child will get hungry enough to give in and try this other food. After about 2 weeks of being consistent, you will be surprised at how much better and how much more your child will eat healthy food.

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SALLY SAID:
It has taken me about 8 years to figure out what is for dinner, and I still struggle with it! But I have found many things that work for me. Here are a few thoughts about healthy quick meals.

1. Your plate should be colorful and as full of whole foods as possible. Think carefully about nutrition: you are probably the only person who will care about nutrition for your child and yourself.

2. Quick: convenience foods are wonderful! If you can justify the expense and find relatively healthy options, they are a great resource. Favorites at our house include:

• frozen potstickers (#1 favorite of the kids, toddlers included),
• frozen ravioli,
• frozen meatballs (it's hard to find healthy ones),
• deli salads with lots of toppings (one large prepared salad from a good deli is usually good to feed 2-3 people if it's a side dish).
• Canned soups (don't forget to buy low sodium if you can) and add an extra can of beans;
• frozen meals that you can add to (Trader Joe's has a frozen channa masala that I love and I put it in a pot with 2 more cans of chickpeas, drained, heat it up, Yum).

My favorite convenient and healthy food for toddlers is canned beans. Black beans are most popular here, but all beans are welcome.

Also convenient: restaurant take-out. There is a mediterranean restaurant here that has a family meal deal, it includes 2 rotisserie chickens and 4 huge side dishes (hummus, greek salad, tabouli, etc) and that meal will feed us for at least 2 meals. It's not a cheap as cooking from scratch but we probably do this at least monthly. Another option: just order 1 main dish and add your salad and sides at home. 
 

Convenience foods inlcude side dishes as well.

• Pre-washed veggies (sugar snap peas, prepared broccoli and/or cauliflower, celery sticks, etc) make easy side dishes. Your broccoli can steam while you get the table set, it is so fast and easy.
• Bagged salads are great, but you have to remember to eat them!
• Toddlers usually like dips, so you can try mixing a little ranch dressing with some sour cream, or making the hummus recipe on Emily or Robin's blogs, and hand the toddler some cucumber slices or celery sticks to munch on.
• Side dishes do not need to be "made", IMO. A side dish is where you can just put a "whole food" on a plate and call it good! Like a sliced apple, some peas, carrots (not cooked), and cucumber.
• Warm up a can of black beans and mix in a 1/4 cup of salsa. Yum. That is a colorful plate full of whole foods.

One more convenience food: fruit. Many fruits come in their own easy wrapper (oranges) and fruits make a great side dish or dessert. One of my children's favorite dessert or after-school treat is a huge bowl of frozen blueberries. We buy them at Costco because we go through quite a lot.

3. Quick but made by you:

• Breakfast burritos (scrambled eggs with a little cheese and/or salsa, sour cream in a burrito) for dinner. We love these.
• Quesadillas with beans, lots of salad on the side.
• Tacos--I usually use beans for filling rather than meat.
• Couscous, it is so easy and Near East has such delicious flavors.
• Polenta as a main or side. It is great layered with red sauce that has veggies in it (like chopped spinach and cooked zucchini). If you make the polenta from scratch it isn't quick, but you can buy it premade and slice it, or make it on Sunday and stick it in the fridge

4. Plate composition: you specifically asked for healthy, so here is my thinking about healthy. Your plate really should be at least half vegetable. At least, and in fact it can be all vegetable. And that goes for your kid(s) too.

1. I try to put veggies on the table to eat before we bless the meal and start our "dinner". The veggies include cherry tomatoes, sugar snap peas when in season, celery sticks, cucumber sticks or slices.
2. Then, with dinner, I dish up the plates and put about 1/3 of the plate entree, the rest salad/veg/fruit/bean/whole grain.
3. I often hold the fruit (grapes, strawberries, apples, whatever) in a separate dish and they need to eat the main stuff before they get the fruit or bread.

Also on the topic of the plate: sometimes I try to make the food in the shape of silly faces. (Hence the pictures.) It is really amazing how they eat every last thing when I do this. I keep adding new noses and other parts to their plates.

Just like everything else, the more you practice, the better you get! I really encourage you to plan out your meals 2 weeks at a time. Doesn't have to be perfect, but if you at least have an idea of what is in your fridge/freezer and when you are going to eat it, it will definitely reduce the panic factor. Good luck! Maybe you can come back and guest blog on this topic in a year!

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Robin Says:
I have a friend who lets her baby teeth on veggies. Of course mom is always there supervising and making sure baby (named Crew) is safe. He cheerfully gums tomatos, sweet peppers, carrots, cucumber slices, and zuchinni. I think this is a brilliant idea - he develops a taste for vegetables rather than cookies. She is such a smart mommy!

My kids always love open faced peanut butter sandwiches with faces made out of bananas, grapes, and raisins. I used whole wheat bread. It was a hit everytime.

Also, try quinoa (keen-wah). Any place you use rice, potatoes, or couscous try quinoa instead. It is super easy to make, cheap, nutritious, and loaded with protein. We love it,.
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Thanks for the excellent question! Keep those questions coming Bossyhelp@gmail.com

It's Hard To Know So Much

We've gone back through the Bossy mail bag and found several questions that we never answered. Why didn't we answer them? We were too busy telling other people what to do. But now, we are focused on those questions. Once a week we will post a question and then do our very best to tell you what to do. 

You may not hear from each sister because sometimes we say the same things (this week I said nearly the same thing as Sally). We hope you enjoy the new focus of our blog. If you have a question for us send it to bossyhelp@gmail.com.

It's hard to know so much. We can't help that we have all the answers. 

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"How do I tell someone that because of their comments I feel like they are judging my children overly harshly and also me, as an indication of my parenting? This is someone I am related to by marriage, and they will likely be in my life for many years to come."      - Timid in Idaho

Sally Says:

To answer your question literally, meaning, what words to say? Use DESC. I know it's not a particularly fabulous acronym, but it is a great way to give feedback to anyone, any time. Here is what DESC stands for:

Describe the situation

Explain the impact

Say what you want

Consequence, either way

• When describing the situation, state facts only. Talk about specific, observable, objective information. Say "Yesterday you did/said XYZ".  
• Explain the impact of his/her behavior. This might be an explanation of how you feel after the behavior, or the impact it has on a situation or other people.
• Say what you want him/her to do differently. Be specific, clear and calm.
• Explain what the consequence is if they change their behavior (or not).

Here is a typical way to give feedback, which ends up making the other person feel defensive and usually doesn't go very well:

"It seems like you judge my children overly harshly and it makes me feel like you think I"m not a good parent."

Better way:

• Describe: "Yesterday you mentioned that Daughter has issues with being selfish. You also said that she is too loud most of the time."
• Explain impact: "When you said that, it felt overly harsh to me. She does share, but at this age, it's normal for her to protect her toys. And loud is what 6-year-olds do. Hearing you say those things made me feel bad. I want you to know that daughter is a great kid. It also made me feel that you might be judging my parenting, which hurt my feelings."
• Say what you want: "I know you love Daughter very much, and I am glad we have the relationship we do. Next time you have a serious concern about her behavior, can you think it over and then talk to me in private? "
• Consequence: "That way I can better understand your concerns and we can have a conversation. Otherwise it just leaves me feeling bad."

Not easy to say, but much clearer and more effective.

This method (DESC) works in all kinds of situations. With teachers, children, spouse, DMV, you name it. You just have to remember to use it (which I don't, just ask my husband!). Good luck.

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Emily Says:

This is tricky. I think more information would help me to give a better answer. My first answer is: get over it. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but some people are very critical, and it might be unlikely that there is much you can do to change the situation. Can you try to have a sense of humor about it? Can you try to laugh about it and approach it with some kind of affection for their concern and interest in your family and let it go, let it roll off your back?  Especially if this is a person you don't see very frequently.

However, if the critical comments are very frequent, and no matter how hard you try to toughen up, it continues to hurt your feelings and makes you feel bad about yourself, then you probably need to talk to them about it.  I would suggest bringing it up during a time when they are NOT saying anything negative, during a time that your feelings aren't charged and emotional--when you're feeling good and they won't feel so defensive. Use language that focuses on the behavior, not the person. For example: "When you do this, it makes me feel this way..." instead of language that is accusatory such as, "YOU make me feel this way."

Here is a sample:
You: "____, I was wondering if I could tell you something that is kind of a sensitive issue that has been troubling me for awhile."
Them: "Okay..." (they will be feeling nervous, and maybe a little defensive)
You: "It's something that I've worried about telling you, but I just really love you and that is why I want to go ahead and share it with you. I mean to say this with love and sincerity because I love you so much. Sometimes when we talk you say things that I think you intend to be helpful, or that you tend to be advice about how I parent my children. But even though I know you're saying it out of love, it still really hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm a bad parent, or that you think I'm a bad parent. I try not to let it bother me, but it continues to happen, and I'm not sure how to handle it."
Them:...(let them talk, try to listen and smile and nod, be understanding, respond to them the way you want them to respond to you)

End with telling them that you love them and you appreciate them in your life, and that you appreciate their love and care for your children. Express that you feel blessed that they take an interest in your family life. Explain that is why it was hard for you to say something about it, because you don't want them to stop showing their love, but you thought they might appreciate knowing how sometimes the unsolicited advice feels hurtful.

Always end with love and understanding.

It might make a difference, it might not. You might risk a little damage to the relationship if they're a defensive person, or they may be really grateful that you told them because they love you and had no idea what was happening. They may have thought that all of those conversations were so nice and sympathetic, not hurtful.  And for you: try to lighten up! Try to laugh about it! Try to focus on the positive, loving things about this family member.

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Robin Says:

Are we related to the same person?
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Kristen Says:

It is difficult to be on the receiving end of criticism of our children, whether there is truth to it or not. I think it is important to first try to think of this person's point of view; do they know your kids well? Is there any accuracy to their comments? And, do you value their opinion on this topic? If they don't really know your children and/or their comments are off base, then their opinion, although unpleasant to deal with, is not something you need to worry too much about. If they do know your children and there is some truth to their comments, and especially if you do value their opinion, then address those issues they have made you aware of. You might thank them for bringing those things to your attention, but ask that in the future they be more sensitive with their comments. It is okay to say to someone, "I felt defensive when you commented that my kids are lazy and play video games all day. As a matter of fact, they are very busy with school, homework, chores, sports, etc. You may only see them when they are relaxed because we don't invite company when we are on a strict schedule."



This is one of those times when it is appropriate to kindly stand up for yourself and your kids. But remember to be sensitive and not emotionally reactive, because, as you said, they will likely be in your life for many years to come.