Slap Happy

My kids fight a lot lately. The other day I heard one of my children slapping/hitting the other child from the other room, a repeated "Slap slap slap slap" of skin on skin, and it really disturbed me. They are not aggressive kids, but the level of annoyance with each other has reached a peak. I think it is because the older child goes to school all day while the younger one stays home, and then when big sister gets home from school, little brother wants to play! But big sister is exhausted physically and emotionally from being in school for 6.5 hours and wants to be left alone. So little brother pesters, and big sister gets mad. And then the arguing begins, sometimes at low levels, sometimes in aggressive behavior.

What can I do to stop this?

Slap Happy in Ohio 

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Kristen Says:

I never really allowed my kids to fight, not that they never did, but they learned to handle conflict in other ways.  When my kids fought they had to sit on the couch holding hands and taking turns saying, "I love you" until they were both laughing.  It never took long and they ended up happy. 

One thing you can try to prevent it in the first place is to have something to keep little brother occupied for the first 15 minutes when big sister gets home.  You could also role play with both of them an appropriate way to respond when someone is "in their space."  Maybe they could practice saying and acting out something like this; Big Sister: "Little Brother, I need a little time by myself right now.  Can I play with you in 10 minutes?"  Little Brother: "Okay, I will wait in the playroom."  In this way, they learn skills to address this type of situation in the future.

Emily Says:

To Stop This Behavior: Tell them you're going to take them outside and nail them upside down to the fence. My dad used to say that, and I think it worked for me.  Or, actually, I think it made me cry (ha ha!) which is just another problem to deal with. :)

Sally Says:

You probably already have a good after-school routine, but maybe there is a way to give big sister some downtime immediately after school, perhaps she can drink a small smoothie in her bedroom and listen to music, while you give little brother undivided attention in another room for 10 minutes, so he feels loved and she feels calmed? I think it always helps to have a clear routine so they both know what to expect every day.

Also, music! Music is so powerful. Maybe you should make a playlist for after school. The kids can have a routine of sitting in the family room, looking at books, for the first two (calm) songs, and then after that the music gets more upbeat and they can share their books with each other, play with toys, dance, whatever.

My best days are when the youngest or youngest two are napping when the oldest gets home. That way I can have time to process the day with the oldest child and get his needs met before the younger siblings enter the scene. But it's hard to engineer the nap/carpool/etc schedules.

Robin Says:

This is normal. Kids fight. They always have and they always will. One thing that doesn't work is yelling at them to stop fighting. I tried that over and over and it just doesn't work. Punishing them for fighting doesn't help either. Avoid getting looped into their fight as the mediator or referee. Make them work it out without your help. They will learn important negotiation skills. When my kids would fight I would ignore their claims of who started what (that really doesn't matter at all) and separate them. Then I would give them another chance to play nice and they usually would - but sometimes they needed longer separation. And you probably need a separation too!