During a closet purge last week I found a journal that I didn't know I kept. It was in a box with purses, shoulder pads, belts, and costume jewelry from 12 years ago. I vaguely recognized it as a book that sat on my bedside table for nearly a decade. It was stained with a water mark from a cup, some dried food and it was dusty. When I opened it I was surprised to find a journal started the year before my oldest child was born and ending right after the birth of my youngest, a nine year time span.
How could I have forgotten a book that I wrote? Shell shock. Motherhood was shocking to me. The physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual, intellectual changes and demands overwhelmed me. Here I am, almost on the other side of motherhood, and I can tell you that there were times that I went to hell and back as a mom. More than once. Real hell. And, before I found that journal the hell was pretty fresh in my mind.
Immediately I stopped what I was doing and sat down and read the entire journal. It isn't very long. I probably only wrote 2-3 times a year and some years I didn't write at all. But what I wrote is amazing. I expressed concern as the dynamics our marriage changed with each new child, career, additional responsibility. I didn't know it then, but those changes were making our marriage fuller, truer, more resilient. I wrote of each child's birth with honest amazement at how beautiful they were and how overwhelming my love for them was. I alluded to the sleepless nights filled with worry about their development and progression. I shared spiritual experiences with clarity and appreciation.
Lists. I made lists. Lists of things I needed to be better at. Nearly every entry mentioned something I could be doing better. Better prayer, more patience, better scripture study, be more loving, less selfish, be healthier, cleaner house, better teacher, more cheerful, more attentive, more, more, better, better. I made lists of things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, things I wanted to learn, if only I had the time.
In spite of the shell shock and extraordinary upheaval of motherhood, I really loved my babies. I was crazy about them. Never have I written as lovely a thing as I wrote in my journal about my children. The words aren't exceptionally impressive, just ordinary words describing the way they played together, the activities of the day, the little events. But as I re-read them over and over I was filled with joy. And peace. I wrote pretty honestly about what I was feeling, so it didn't make me want to go back to that time, but I was impressed at myself.
Each entry ended with a variation of the phrase, I am so tired, I just need to sleep, I can hardly think - need rest, I'll write more tomorrow. The next entry would be a year later.
Roland called while I was reading the journal and I told him how amazing it was. How amazing we were!
Get a journal and write when you can. You will need that journal when you are 44, or 66, or 88 and wondering what happened to you.
11 comments:
I was never a journaler, but I was quite a letter writer, so other people have bits and pieces of my journal, that is if they kept the letters... They were to family members since we lived a thousand miles away from them. Hope that at least one of my letters still exists somewhere in someone's attic boxes.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
You were (are) amazing. I am inspired! I will try to write in my journal more. Even like you said, a few times a year, still is something worth doing.
Thanks for the inspiration.
xo
Thanks for the reminder...it's always on my "list" but always neglected.
I'm glad you shared this. I am not a consistent journal writer, but long to be.
I think it is enlightening to read what we've gone through, after it is over and faded from our memories.
Thanks!
I would love to read that gem. I have several crazy journals through the years but my latest and greatest is my scripture journal. I am consistent for the first time since my mission. Just this week I started a Pollyanna style daily entry. It is my daily bit of gladness. I need to remind myself of all the happy, funny bits.
Can you believe you made it to the other side of parenting? I am shocked and amazed that my daily mothering job will be done in 12 months. How did that happen?
Kristen, I somehow stumbled upon your blog (you know how you kind of get lost in blogger land reading all this cool stuff...) and I LOVE this post! I have kept a journal for each of my 2 kids...and I was pretty good about writing in my son's (first child) journal while I was pregnant ... then I was ok about writing for the first year, then it becomes pretty scattered, a month or two inbetween times. Then there is my daughters journal, which is even more scattered...but I love them..they are precious memories of moments that are so dear. My sister-in-law gave me the great idea of writing little notes on scrap paper when funny/new/exciting things happen, and then I just tuck the little notes into their journals...because if I wait until I have time to write, I have forgotten.
Anyway ~ what a great post... thanks for sharing!!
what an awesome find. most of my older journals are me crying about all the other girls that were after my husband. not too inspiring. since kids, I've been terrible at keeping a journal, which is why i started a blog. at least something is getting documented this way!
i love that you can admit that you were a great mom (still are). kudos to you girl!
I need to be better at this.... I'm glad you found that journal.
So, I've been thinking. What exactly is "the other side of motherhood"? How does one know when they are there? I'm obviously not, because I don't know it yet (and because I'm still nursing, changing diapers and checking homework...)
EVERYONE: keep those old journals, diaries, and papers you wrote! When I was a very young mother I got ot my 2 diaries that I wrote in when I was ages 13-18.
I was so embarassed by what a shallow teenager I was that I threw them out. How I WISH I'd hung onto them to read when I had the perspective of a mature mother. I recognized years later that not only were those diaries typical of adolescent years, they would have provided great fodder for a young adult novel!
If YOU are tempted to throw out something YOU wrote, put it away for several years...like 10 or 15... where no one will find it, and THEN read it and decid whether to discard it or share it.
OK, so I have this wonderful, very enlightened friend who knew I was having a hard time focusing on (let alone expressing) my emotions when we decided to move our family to Athens. She gave me the most special gift, a book called "Writing Motherhood". It is written for writers, which I am not, but anyone can use it. It is really a guide to help you "journal" your experiences as a mother. It gives you a suggested plan for journalling everyday, as well as "starters". I have to tell you, it was fabulous to get started doing that. I was able to record the details of my delivery, my feelings during my pregnancy of baby #2, and work through some of the hidden emotions I was having throughout all of that transition. I would really recommend it for all you moms!!!
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