By Robin
We all want to be that perfect mom. A tireless, tender, peaceful woman who anticipates every need and quietly stands near with a band-aid, comfort food, and concise soft spoken wisdom.
Once, I fell short of that standard. In a fit of anger-fed passion I said something that has come back to haunt me again and again.
In defense, let me explain my situation. It's hard to believe now, but at one point I was more than overwhelmed with my children. It was about five years ago. I had four noisy demanding children, two of which were headstrong teenagers. There was contention, and confusion, and a measure of defiance. I needed a nanny for each child. I needed a housekeeper. I needed a nap. I needed everyone to do what I told them to do. I was a woman pushed to the edge, so really, I can't be held responsible for what I said (yelled).
A certain child had pushed every button and pushed them too hard. I was furious. Fury isn't a normal part of my personality. I'm not a hitter, a screamer, or a yeller. I will cry instead. Occasionally I will cuss a mild PG-13 word under my breath or rattle some pans in the kitchen. I lean towards self pity and defeat rather than fury and anger but at this moment I was furious. In a moment of regrettable insanity I thought I would kill that boy, so, I yelled, "If I had a gun..." I suddenly went into slow motion mode and realized, as the words were coming out of my mouth, that I wouldn't really kill him. But I had committed to "if I had a gun" and I had to finish it. So I said,
"If I had a gun...I would hit you on the head with it!"
There was a moment of shocked silence. The word "gun" was a big deal and I could see momentary fear on his face. Then as the rest of the threat sank in he started to laugh. It was nervous laughter at first and then it quickly became hilarious. I was a frustrated potential murderer, but knowing the value of being able to laugh at myself, I told the kids I was just kidding and tried to play it off as a joke.
It is a joke. The family joke. When someone gets dramatically angry one of the kids will say, "If I had a gun I'd hit you on the head!" Gabe put it on his MySpace page as his quote. It is a phrase that entertains and amuses the kids and reminds us all of my ineptness at making a decent threat.
It will probably end up on a t-shirt one day.
12 comments:
Oh, Robin. You had me laughing out loud. That was awesome.
My famous line (in frustrated anger/irritation/end-of-my-ropeness) was "sometimes...I just...want to...slap you!" I'm not a big slapper. Like you, I'm a crier. So that got a stunned look and now that particular child likes to bring it up now and then. Not to be funny, though, more to express disbelief that I said it. (And believe me, I meant it!)To which I say, "yes, but I didn't do it, did I?"
I like yours way better. I'm going to go with that next time.
Thank you for this post. It makes me laugh really hard. I think all moms can relate!
;-) You are so funny!
I love this.
I remember needing support from all my Austin women after saying something rash to one of my kids... I think it was "I could just strangle you!" I felt sick inside that I could say something so horrible. Then, you told me this and I still felt sad but I felt NORMAL. Normal can be such a great feeling.
Laughter is such a great diffuser isn't it?
Great save!
I once asked my then two-year-old if she wanted a smack. To which she replied enthusiastically, " I want a snack! Can I have goldfish?"
Well now I know just what to get you for Christmas!
The best part of this story for me, is the hope that at some point, I will graduate from this state of being overwhelmed, with four, noisy, demanding children (sadly, mine are only 6 and younger)and morph into something like the sweet, tender, together, HILARIOUS woman that you are!
Robin, I love you. That is hilarious. It could also be a song. If I had a gun instead of if I had a hammer. Thank you for this fabulous story. It is my new favorite.
just out of curiousity, which end would you hit him with? these things are important to know.
I can't imagine you with a gun. Wait, scratch that, I can. A big, wacky, inflatable one. Bonk!
I hope I have a sense of humor like this when RJ comes home a day late with a nose ring and an attitude.
Joe - RJ will be too busy earning her YW Medalion to get in trouble.
Andrea - the pointy end. And not very hard, more of a bonk than a hit.
This was good Robin! Also, thanks so much for your advice on boys today. It was exactly what I needed.
I LOVE MY COUSINS! this is awesome in so many ways.
That was HILARIOUS!!!
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