by Kristen
The other day I was spending time with two friends of mine, I'll call them Lori and Lucy. Lori is rather slim, and Lucy is more like me, and would like to lose a large amount of weight. I was surprised how often in the short time (30 minutes) that we were together, that Lucy brought up her weight or her looks in a degrading way. We weren't talking about it, but she seemed to pull it into the conversation.
After Lucy left I mentioned to Lori that I wished Lucy wouldn't put herself down so often. Lori agreed with me and we went on talking about hair and other things. We didn't dwell on it, but later I thought about it again. I thought about my perceptions of her. Until that time, I had never really considered her weight at all. She was just a beautiful woman who was a friend. I was aware that she is larger than average, but hadn't spent a single thought on it.
I know other people to whom weight is of supreme importance. They can't have a conversation about food without bringing up weight, they can't describe someone without mentioning weight...and I don't mean like "Oh, she is tall and slim" or "well, she's got brown hair, she's shorter and a little bigger than average." No, I'm referring to the conversation that goes, "Well, she is really big, I mean, she's gained like 60 pounds since high school. She used to be so pretty. You know her brother has a weight problem too. It's so sad." As if that is the only feature of this person with any degree of importance.
Me in high school at about 117 lbs.
As a woman who has struggled with my weight since I thought I was huge and fat in high school weighing a grand total of 117, and eventually came to weigh at least twice that, I can tell you, my weight has almost nothing to do with who I am. It is not important to my success, my relationships, my personality, my morals, my beliefs, and my character. That is not to say it doesn't matter to me. The first sentence of this paragraph states that I have struggled. I have. It is difficult to be large, it is frustrating to try over and over and not find the success in this one arena of my life. I don't care to look at my naked body in a mirror, and I don't love shopping for clothes. I am still trying to lose weight. Every day I think about it, I think about some of the limitations it puts on me. I am aware of how society perceives me. Every day I make some effort, I exercise, I deny myself that cookie, that chocolate, etc. And yet I still am overweight... dare I say it? - Fat. But you know what, in spite of my weight, I really do like myself.
I am intelligent. I am attractive - I have great hair most of the time. I have beautiful eyes and a nice smile. I really like my nose. I have strong legs and a healthy functioning body, could it be healthier? Heck yes, but I still am grateful for it. I have a good sense of humor, and I am honest. I try to be considerate of others and I am a dang good mom! I am a loyal and hardworking employee. I enjoy spending time with my family and my friends. I have lots of varied interests including traveling, books, swimming, and pottery among others.
All this brings me back to Lucy, and the impact that weight has on us.
I remember about 5 years ago, I was at my heaviest weight and a woman who I didn't know very well came up to me at church and said, "You are one of the prettiest women I know. I love your hair and eyes." She has no idea what that meant to me. I can honestly say that I think it had been probably 5 years since anyone other than my husband had given me a compliment on my looks, not my clothes, but my looks.
So here is my bit of bossing for you today:
1) If you know someone who is heavier, get to know them, who are they really? What are their interests? Are they enjoyable to spend time with? They may be, they may not (not all fat people are jolly - and not all skinny women are bitches). But don't define them by their weight.
2) If you are larger yourself: Think about who you are. You are more than your weight, your body, your scale number. Think about what you like about yourself. Ask yourself what makes you a good friend, a good mom, a good sister, a good citizen. Learn to like yourself.
3) When you are out and about: compliment people, all people. Really look at them and find the beauty that God gave them. Find something wonderful to share with them. Tell them about a time they made a positive impact in your life. Or share a treasured memory of them to remind them that they have a place in your heart.
All of the Bossy Sisters, our mom, and Robin's oldest daughter in Mazatlan. Emily and Sally were both pregnant! 4) When you are talking with others: Don't talk about weight; yours, theirs, or anyone else's. Weight doesn't matter and it just makes you a bore to be around. And people question why you can't see past such a surface issue. Talk about life, love, goals, and things that matter.
And last of all...love yourself, regardless of your size!
20 comments:
Kristin- you were and still are a total hottie!
Great post.
I 100% agree with this. After my little sister had an eating disorder in college, we decided to ban weight from our conversation and thoughts. But it's so hard!
My latest goal to accomplish this is to never know how much I weigh. I just had a baby and my weight is up in the air. I have a goal to never again in my life be aware of the number, so that I can just focus on health.
Any other suggestions on how to ban the number from your thoughts?
What an excellent post.
Everyone has real challenges in life. Some are more visible than others. No one who is overweight really wants to be overweight. It's not as simple as skipping sweets here and there. In my experience, people who don't struggle with their weight simply don't understand that for other people, it is truly a difficult struggle. So I really appreciated Kristen's advice at the end to be open, get to know all people, compliment all people, and not talk about weight.
And not talking about weight includes overweight people making self-deprecating comments, thin people not talking about other people's weight, and my least favorite, women who are not overweight saying that they ARE. !
Laura, I love that idea of just focusing on health and forgetting about the numbers. When I have set goals to get healthier, one thing I have done to keep me motivated is to aim for a certain pant size. A realistic pant size! That way it's not about daily obsessing over lbs.
Thanks again for this great post, KK. It was very personal and I think you are courageous and awesome to post this!
Great post Kristen. You are wonderful and I always admire how you work at being healthy.
Sally, you hit on something I want to point out.... people who are not overweight saying they are. I think I am average. In my mind I want to look like that 17 year old girl I used to be so when people comment on my size I probably say, "Oh, no, I need to work on it" because I do. I need to eat healthier and exercise and tone up. I may have hurt people with my comments in the past and not even known it!
When I was pregnant with Michael I remember seeing this woman at the airport. She was huge and frumpy looking and waddling. I thought, man, I'm glad I don't look that bad. Then I realized it was my reflection. Horrifying.
I often think though, I wonder how differently we see our selves and how others see us. I think my perception is totally off.
coming back to Kristen's whole post-- it is the inside and the direction we are taking our lives that matters.
I had to laugh at Sally's comment about women complaining about being overweight when they are not. That has been sooo me. When I was a teenager I thought I was so overweight. I truly believed it. I look at pictures now and think huh?
So I guess the bottom line for me is exactly Kristen's last line.
I also wanted to add an interesting website that has changed some of the ways I evaluate what it means to be healthy for me and quite frankly it's altered how I see people around me. www.junkfoodscience.com
She looks at the science behind things reported in the news and sometimes it has something to do with weight sometimes simply health. Interesting reading.
Lastly I wanted to add, Kristen I love you posts!
Kristen, I have always thought you are beautiful, and not just on the inside. You're a beautiful woman so don't let anyone tell you otherwise - more on this below.
I think that weight (among most other topics) should not be taboo in discussions, but it and similar other topics deserve a large measure of sensitivity. I'm saddened whenever any of my sisters would feel hurt from someone's insensitivity, but especially if I was the one who was insensitive.
If I was the insensitive one (regardless whether I knew I was) I hope someone would say, "Hey, I need to feel good about me and when you talk that way around me, I don't feel good about me."
At a minimum I'd be grateful they gave me an opportunity to apologize, because otherwise that kind of apology (if not welcome) could potentially be more offensive than the original hurtful comment.
I LOVE the picture of the women on the beach and the huge bronze woman. I have 2 paintings in my guest bathroom of a very voluptuous woman in her garden. They are awesome and beautiful and remind me to be more accepting of my body.
I am so glad you posted on this subject. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, this is an issue. I have friends who are 5 lbs overweight who are as freaked out as my 50 lbs overweight friends. And all the complaining, guilt, and hand wringing do nothing to help. Changing our attitude will help.
Looking on the inside is a hard thing to do in a society that so image oriented. But we can train ourselves to a person's beauty regardless of how white their teeth are, how tall they are, how well dressed, what kind of car they drive, or what they weigh.
I am proud of your exercise efforts! I know you have been working hard for all the RIGHT reasons!
Thank you for all the comments. I knew this was a personal post, but I don't feel like I'm putting myself out there in an embarrassing way. This is real. It just made me sad to hear Lucy continue to diminish her amazing self because of her size. I hope I don't do that.
I think most of the time, but not all of the time, people who don't have a serious weight problem, but talk as if they do, don't mean to hurt or insult those around them. But sometimes, I think they are just insensitive and don't care. Usually when I'm with someone who is of a socially acceptable size who complains about their weight, I totally ignore the comment and change topics. I'm not going to reward their idiotic self-pity with the recognition of their statements.
It is interesting to read everyone's comments here.
Thank you Chiska, I always enjoy reading your comments!
AMEN to this post! Thanks for posting it!
I totally love this post. It's true about your beauty, but most importantly honestly, it doesn't matter what we weigh. Really. I truly believe this, but still deprive myself starve, overexercise, etc. I want to be the "best" I can be, but does that mean I never accept myself as I am?
I live in a land of super skinny people. Yet I've found the heavier moms to be the most fun, most personality, most accepting of themselves. Now I seek them out and try to sit with the heavier ladies on field trips because it isn't all about their skinny jeans. And fat people work out. a lot.
Kristen, I really really love your post.
Kristen, this is an excellent post, and I think every woman and man needs to read it. Thanks for having the nerve to post it!
I try to be sensitive in the ways you mention. I think sometimes I've erred on the side of trying to be sympathetic when I haven't "earned" the right to sympathize. I can see how that would be totally obnoxious.
When a friend who struggles with weight in a heightened way is complaining about it, it is sometimes hard to know how to be a loving, kind listener. I really think it is easy to find beautiful things about all people, and to comunicate that to them. I just try to listen, and tell them they're great, give them specific reasons why--but with out trying to sound trite. Sometimes it is just awkward. Sometimes I change the subject. Sometimes I make the mistake of trying to sympathize.
My struggles with weight have been minimal compared to most. As a teenager I was too thin and embarrassed by my stork legs and flat chest. I wore long pants all year round, even in hot summer weather, to cover my stick legs. As a post-partum mother I felt awkward and uncomfortable with my swollen, puffy body, and clothes that did not fit well (nursing is "supposed to melt the pounds away" yeah right, more like my body hung on to dear life by adding lbs).
Both experiences, though minor compared to some, have helped me understand weight issues a little better. And, that is to say, that I don't struggle with weight severly, and I am grateful for that.
Also--the most beautiful people I know have all different kinds of body shapes and sizes.
I love the photos you posted, the sculpture, and the pictures Robin mentioned (in her bathroom), I love those too.
I especially loved your paragraph about all the reasons you love yourself. I ditto all of those. You have a beautiful body, hair and eyes, and LIPS--wow, you have got LIPS to die for. Have I ever told you that? You can make the most perfect lip S.W.A.K. on paper that I have ever seen. I know we've done this before, it is funny. And, even though you kind of dissed this compliment in your post, you do have cute clothes. Sorry, its true.
But I don't love you just for your looks, sorry. It just adds to the pleasantness of the joy of being with you.
Hey, wait! I'm a Bossy sister and I'm not in that picture in Mazatlan! What? You guys went on a vacation without me?
Don't worry. No hard feelings, but I want to come next time!
I love the blog! And what a wonderful post. Sometimes we need to stop and think who are we really...?? I know I don't enough, and I do also have larger friends, and that is not what makes them my friend, it is their endearing personality! Thanks a ton!!
This is a weighty topic and so important. I'm trying to teach my teen daughter to have a healthy body image and it is tough in this society. She struggled with an eating disorder for a few years. I think we've beaten it but little things can trigger her to stop eating. I'm teaching her to see the beauty in her healthy, strong body.
Melissa, we invited you to come with us, but alas, you had a new baby.
We expect you there next time!!!
Gosh this is a good post! and terrific comments above!
I have a dear friend who everyone loves to be with. One of the reasons for this is her honest acceptance, respect for and approval of the people around her. We have had this same discussion and I like her response when anyone in her company brings up of the subject of weight or says something disparaging about themself.
She says, "oh, stop." If they protest and say something like, "No, I mean it. I'm fat," she says something like,
"Stop that. It's not important. You are beautiful. I love ___ about you."
I've even heard her say, "Why do you say that about yourself? No one wants to talk about it and it's a subject that makes everyone, even the rare, very thin person uncomfortable." Then she says something positive and usually changes the subject by asking that individual something about their life, family, ward, job, etc.
If I could choose anyone I could be more like, it is she. And I believe all who know her feel the same way about her. She gives positive affirmations to everyone.
One of the nice things I found about aging is that my face has fewer wrinkles than my starved-to-perfection girlfriends have. . . . For a prettier, smoother complexion, plump it up by eating more pastries or Sees chocolates!
Kristen, this post touched my heart and lifted my spirits. (which is a talent of yours.) I read this 3 times. Whatever your size, these are words to remember. We are so much more then what we look like.
It was never more apparent to me then after I had a daughter, just how OFTEN weight becomes part of any discussion with women.
Esecially now that she is 12 years old! I just want to scream when I hear a women say, "I really shouldn't have eaten that muffin."!!! It makes me want to stuff an entire muffin in my mouth and get my daughter out of there! I know I have let myself get caught up in pointless conversations over weight, I guess I'm just more aware of it now.
I've also noticed with 2 daughters, how often the compliments they receive from other adults, tend to focus on their appearance. I understand that appearance is the easiest think to compliment. But, I really appreciate those who take the time to look a little deeper and send my girls a deeper message.
Thanks for reminding me to evaluate where my focus is!!
Oh, and one more thing.....I hesitated to write this because it could sound insincere, but I must. I have to tell you the image I have of you. I always remember thinking you were one of the most beautiful, classy, thoughtful women I knew. There was never a doubt in my mind that you would do anything for your children. You love deeply and are strong. If someone asked me to describe you, this is what would imediately come to mind. Have a good spring break!
Great great post! I can relate to all of it.
When I go to the gym I see all shapes and sizes of healthy bodies. Real women's bodies are beautiful. The diversity in skin tones, body shapes, heights and weights is beautiful. Why do we all think we need to look the same?
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