Grief

by Sally

Joyce, years ago, with one of my little ones.

Two weeks ago yesterday, I lost someone who I love. Her name is Joyce Ann Peterson Jarrard. Joyce had four kids, who are all grown and married and having families of their own. She was a really wonderful, sweet, kind, fun woman. She has worked hard her whole life to raise her children well, serve in her church, be a good friend, sister and daughter, and also helped support the family by working on and off. She was a great person. And such an incredibly loving and supportive grandma. We lived in the same town as her for over 10 years (we moved away last year), and I am lucky that I got to know her well and love her. She had a positive impact on my life, frequently. I really love her and I care about her family. She died of cancer. It started as colon cancer more than a year ago, and they thought she beat it, but it came back and took her. She was only 59. We knew it was coming and if that made it easier on those of us who care about her, I hate to think what it would be like if we hadn't had warning.



The week after she died, I was on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I would be distracted and feel normal, then 10 seconds later I felt like my soul was being runover by a train. I was devastated by Joyce's death. But I felt like I should have been able to cope with it much, much better. I have had over 7 months to deal with this knowledge, that this would happen. We went to visit Joyce in November, and while I hoped I would see her again at least one more time, I knew it was unlikely and I really mourned her after that trip. I thought it had sunk in that I would lose Joyce in my life, and my heart ached for her beloved children and grandchildren and husband.



Instead, in the week following her death, I could hardly function. I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried all day and I could not pull myself together. One of the many things I've learned over the past few weeks is that it's very difficult to prepare for the death of a loved one. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong, and I don't know if you can truly prepare for such a thing.



I'm so sad that she is really gone and I've lost her in my life. I am so very sorry for her children, husband, her sister and brother, all of her relatives and friends. Surely her family's grief dwarfs mine, and I wish I could somehow give them comfort.



The saying that you don't know what you have until it is gone is true! I didn't realize the magnitude of Joyce's impact on my life until I spent a week reflecting on what she has meant to me.



I met Joyce because she is my husband's aunt. We became friends, and over the course of 10 years, she and I saw each other about once a month but sometimes much more frequently. If we hadn't talked for 2-3 weeks she would call me, then I would call her back when the kids were in bed or occupied, and we'd talk on the phone for at least an hour each time. I loved to visit with her and we could talk forever. My husband was traveling frequently at that time, and she brought me dinner every 3-4 months just out of the blue, for probably 5 years! When she finished chemo last year, we were packing up to move, and she brought me dinner even though she was still sick from chemo! I protested when she called me but she said she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Joyce helped throw baby showers and came to the hospital when each of my kids were born. She had the cutest smile and a great, friendly laugh that filled a room. She was 100% sincere and she cared very much for the people around her. She told me a lot about her family, her concerns and love for her children and grandchildren. She was a very proud grandma and I am so sorry her grandchildren have lost her. We talked frequently when Joyce's parents lived with Joyce & Craig, and Jason and I would go with the kids to take them (my husband's grandparents) to In-n-Out for lunch. We had our son's birthday party at her house last summer because we were in boxes to move. We had lots of holidays and get-togethers at her house and at ours.

Joyce loved to play games, one of her favorites was CatchPhrase. She always had toys for her grandkids and always got them out when my kids were there. She showed a sincere, loving interest in my children. She loved her family so much, and her extended family. She was an important person in many lives, not just her immediate family, but her nieces Becky and Jennie, her sister-in-law Mary, and the children she worked with at church, whom she adored. My mother-in-law counted Joyce as her best friend and is heartbroken at her loss. Joyce's life, every bit of it, was a benefit to those around her.



Joyce helped me to know my mother-in-law better. I would see many good qualities in Joyce, because I saw her so frequently, and then easily identify those same good qualities in my MIL. Being close to Joyce helped me to really love my mother-in-law, who I now count as one of my best friends.



I am really going to miss Joyce. Joyce being gone redefines my relationship with the world, in a small way, but nonetheless--the world is changed. It's hard to believe. Going to the funeral last weekend was therapeutic, and helped me to accept that this is what must be. It was beautiful to see her children and grandchildren and the strength of their love for each other. It was amazing to see the hundreds of people at her funeral, and uplifting and inspiring to hear her sister, children and friends speak about her. I was impressed to realize that while Joyce was special in my life, she was that way for many people. What an incredible legacy.



I do believe that I will see Joyce again, and get to spend as much time with her as I like. I know that her husband, children and grandchildren will get to hug and kiss and play and make silly jokes with her again. I am grateful for this, and I know she is with her parents now and I do believe that she is out of her pain and probably very happy. But until we get to see her again, we will truly miss her.

The most important thing I have learned is that I don't want to wait until I am forced to reflect on someone's impact on my life. I want to appreciate, deeply, the love and kindness of my friends and family--right now. I want to tell them how positively they impact my life and that I love them. I hope you will too.



Joyce, I will always remember you as a good friend to me. I am so grateful that I lived by you and got to have you in my life. Thank you for being so wonderful. We love you, Aunt Joyce.