One of our readers sent us a request for advice and I thought we should open it up for all to share their sage wisdom:
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Dear Bossy,
I could use some help. My four year old daughter has a bossy best friend. She is five years old and lives next door. I wouldn't quite describe her as a bad influence friend - she can be quite nice, but whoo boy - she needs to control EVERY aspect of play when they are at our house. In my mind I call her the "Little Dictator" . She is starting to drive me crazy.
An example of the dictator behavior: "You stand there. When I blow on this whistle you can dance, when I stop you need to stop. No, no, no you're not playing right. I TOLD you you need to do it this way. I'll go into the other room and let you know when you can come play, but don't move until I call you. No, I told you not to come in until I called you. And stop dancing, until I blow the whistle."
My daughter will play along with her dictates for quite a long time, but eventually she starts to chaffe at having no control over the play. The end result is either me stepping in and suggesting that they take turns coming up with the play or my daughter telling her that she is mean and she does not want to be her friend anymore. Either of these scenarios leads to her stating that she "wants to go home". It's all I can do not to shove her out of the house. I know I need to control my irritation and come up with a solution but I'm at a loss. Any ideas?
15 comments:
I'd be curious to know what her home life is like.. almost sounds as though she is being sent to HER room a lot at home and not being allowed to come out. Children act out what they learn from their homelife. I'm not a child psychologist, but just saying.....
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
P.S. It can be a sensitive subject, but you may want to speak to her mother about this.
I'm no mother but I know what my mom would do in this situation, as I had some bossy friends as a kid.
My mom called the kid on it. She wouldn't let me be bossed around, she'd tell the girl that she was being bossy and teach her how to play and share. If the friend wouldn't shape up my mom would send the friend home and say she was welcome to come back when she learned to play nicely. In turn when the friend left she'd teach me how to recognize bossyness and how to say, 'no' when a friend is telling you to do something you don't want to do.
It's a good learning oppotunity, teach your daughter to stick up for herself and say no to her friends, because if she learns to do it now it will be a lot easier for her to do it when she's 16.
Bravo Kory! That is how I have handled this kind of thing. It has been ages since we've had a truly Bossy friend, but they are NO FUN.
In turn, I have taken my own children aside during playdates and reminded them how icky it feels to be bossed.
This post, from a bunch of BOSSY women. Terrific ;)
I have done the same thing as my Aunt Kathy (Kory's mom). I have also called out my boy's friends for leaving the toilet seat up, swearing, using questionable language, and being rude. I haven't had that bossy situation since they were younger.
I think you can do it in a kind and firm way that lets the kid know that you like them and want them to be able to stay and play, but you do expect them to behave better.
So far, most of my kids friends have continued to enjoy playing here after being reprimanded, and those that haven't...no loss.
We had a similar situation years ago and I explained to my 4 year old daughter that she never needed to play with someone who was mean or made her feel bad. She could simply say, "I don't want to play with you when you act like that. I'm leaving now (or, you can come back later)." She was worried that she would loose her friend forever and I promised her the bossy/mean friend would come back that same day.
Sure enough, the girl was mean, Hannah sent her home and then we waited about 2 hours before the girl came back to play - nicely. (Hannah was thrilled that it worked and I was thrilled to be right!) It was a huge lesson in standing up for yourself and not letting others treat you poorly.
Next time the mean girl pouts and threatens to go home, kindly walk her to the door and cheerfully wish her a nice day. Invite her to come back and play when she is ready to be sweet. Then hug your daughter and tell her how proud you are of her and how kind she is.
I wouldn't talk to the other mom. That just makes it into a huge issue and way more stressful, especially because it mostly likely wont change anything.
I have made it a policy to not talk to the parent unless a law is being broken (yes, I have had to do this - more than once) or a child is putting him/herself in danger.
Our kids are sensitive and are easily bossed around. I think it's easy to blame it on the visiting kid - which we tend to do ... but truth is that kids who get bossed around are bossed around because they let themselves be bossed around.
We've tried to coach our kids beforehand on what to say. Example:
"I don't want to play with you if you're going to be bossy."
Tell her it's okay to no play with anyone when it's no longer fun. Some kids think they have to be good hosts, and that it includes playing with kids who are bossy. She needs to understand that being a good host doesn't mean sponsoring bad behavior, and that a good friend sticks up for herself.
That way she can take care of herself when you aren't there and you won't have to babysit the situation when her friend comes.
We've even seen this happen when their parents are right in the room and said to our kid, loud enough that the parent can hear, "Are you liking this Michael, because if you don't then you don't have to play with them".
What's surprising is the parent never realizes we just said their kid was a rotten playmate right in front of their face. I think they already know that and don't care.
I think establishing that "this is how we play at our house" from the beginning helps. I have a bossy little boy--still little and we're working on it--but he seems to do better when he knows what the expectation is. If he gets a turn to be in charge and then has to give it up for someone else...he doesn't have to be reminded as often to not be so bossy. That way too it doesn't become such a personal "you're a twit" issue it's just this is how it is here and if you want to choose to behave differently we can't have you stay. Come back when you want to behave nicely.
I agree with the other posters. Have your child say that she is not going to play if the other girl is not being nice. If the other child sees that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated, she will either stop coming over or be nicer.
I love your picture in your header -- very cute!
Thanks for letting me stop by!
Jen
I think it is good to set boundaries of behavior for your home both with your children and with their friends. That way everyone knows what is expected and what will not be tolerated. Good luck with this situation I know it is hard figuring out a problem area for the first time.
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I'm just wondering if my daughter F lives next door to this poor mom's daughter. Definitely blame it on my daughter's home life. Her mom is crazy and addicted to the computer.
Robin, I like your only talking to parents when breaking the law policy. I'm going to adopt it.
Whatever you do, DON'T talk to her mom about it.
I like the idea of stepping in & in a quiet, kind, sweet voice say, "At our house we take turns.
"It's suzy q's (insert your child's name)turn to blow the whistle now.
"But, you can choose:
"You can play it our way at our house with suzy-q,
"OR,
"You can play it your way, without suzy-q at your house."
The when she chooses, follow through. Monitor the play & if she doesn't "get it," she will, when you calmly, quietly, & *sweetly* say (with her coat in one hand, and the other hand guiding her to the door),
"I guess you want to blow the whistle, and that's ok honey, but you'll need to blow your own whistle, at your home. Bye, bye."
DON'T GIVE IN to protests, pleas, promises, or even tears (even your own childs'), just FOLLOW THROUGH, calmly, without emotion, and with you sweetest voice.
Wow, what wonderful advice! This is excellent--useful advice, and some humor which is so important to have when rearing children.
I think that for my 3 year old it has been helpful to do a little role play practice, to help her get used to saying the words she needs to say to stand up for herself. Like David mentioned, I think *some* kids need to be taught that it's okay to stand up for themselves and not "sponsor" (like he said) mean behavior from friends.
Sometimes after a situation I observe, that evening (removed from the situtaion) I'll talk to my 3 year old about it. I'll say something like, "you know, you can tell your friend to stop. You can say, 'Hey, I don't want to play with you if you're going to do that'" and then I'll practice with her a few pretend situations and give her words that she can use.
I think it is an important thing for children to learn to not only stick up for themselves (self respect and dignity) but it also helps them to stand up for other people, which may be just as important.
WOW! WHAT AN INTELLIGENT SERIES OF COMMENTS ON A TROUBLING ISSUE.
I WAS GOING TO SUGGEST JUST TYING THE KID UP AND CALLING THE PARENTS TO COME AND GET THEIR BRAT.
LJS 33
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