"I'm going through a really difficult separation, but I've only told a few people. The problem is that none of my other friends know and I feel like I'm lying to them when they ask what's new or how I'm doing. I don't know if things will work out with my husband, but in case they do, I don't want to create any perceptions or judgements with our couple friends that might make things awkward should we get back together. Should I tell them anyway?"
Hurt and Worried in Idaho
Kristen says:
I went through a similar thing and told very few people. In hindsight, I wish I'd told a few more people, because I could have used the support. I am, however, so grateful that I didn't share details, because it has made it easier for me, my children, and my ex to move forward. I admire your desire not to foster negative judgment from others, but it is okay to tell a few friends who you know you can trust. You are not lying to anyone, and it is nobody else's business. I told one friend everything, details and all, and she still invited both me and my ex over for dinner several times. I appreciated her not shunning him as I tried to make some important decisions. If you have a friend like that you will want them by your side. If you want something to tell more casual friends try practicing what you think the perfect response is. When people said something awkward or when someone figured out things weren't quite right, I said, "Bill and I are separated right now and trying to figure things out". If they wanted more details (and I was surprised how many people openly asked for details) I simply said, "We've decided to keep the details private. It's better for us and for our kids". Also, your church leader can be a help, as well as a professional counselor.
Good luck to you.
Robin Says:
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have a friend who is recently divorced. She needed to tell lots of people about it in order to cope. I think her openness helped those around her be aware of her needs and get more involved with helping her. Not everyone would handle it this way but it worked for her and she has a large network of friends to support her in a very difficult time. Most people will ask out of concern for you. You can tell them what you need without telling them all the painful details.
Melissa Says:
I love the idea of keeping other peoples names safe. I think that is what you are doing and while it might be really difficult right now, I doubt you will regret it.
Sally Says:
What a difficult situation. You definitely need a good friend you can talk to. You need a lot of support, but your reasons for hesitating are understandable. With your other friends, maybe you could just tell them "husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment, I'd rather not talk about it, but I've been better". Something like that. You don't owe an explanation to anyone, but it can be exhausting to try to keep a happy face and keep up appearances when you are going through something so hard.
Melissa Says:
I love the idea of keeping other peoples names safe. I think that is what you are doing and while it might be really difficult right now, I doubt you will regret it.
Sally Says:
What a difficult situation. You definitely need a good friend you can talk to. You need a lot of support, but your reasons for hesitating are understandable. With your other friends, maybe you could just tell them "husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment, I'd rather not talk about it, but I've been better". Something like that. You don't owe an explanation to anyone, but it can be exhausting to try to keep a happy face and keep up appearances when you are going through something so hard.
6 comments:
I suggest trying the Love Dare Book. It worked for my marriage!
Oh Kristin so happy you answered! I was going to email you to commiserate but then thought every marriage is different (and their failures if it happens) that anyone going through a rough time just needs support, and a different amount at different times. While I know most people want "gossip" including myself of course, I think you just have to assume people have your best interest at heart. There are times you want to talk and times you don't; other than that I realize I completely lack perspective and really appreciate yours!
While re-reading your question, the following words from your question caught my eye, "...none of my other friends know and I feel like I'm lying to them when they ask what's new or how I'm doing." I remember feeling that way. Like I'm going through the biggest thing to happen to me since getting married and having a baby and I'm not telling you. The ommission of such a huge detail of my life felt like a lie. I also just wanted to say, "Can I tell you how crappy my life is?! I woke up today and went back to bed until 3:00 because I couldn't face my life!" I wanted so bad for EVERYONE to know that I was going through a hard time. I also wanted to say, "Do you know what HE did?!", but I didn't want the damage that would come from that. I didn't want to tell anyone or explain it to anyone. That is why I wish I'd lied less, I wish I hadn't said, "I'm fine.", when the true answer would have been, "I am falling apart".
You have to figure it out, what works for you. But it really isn't a lie to not divulge to everyone. You can be honest without sharing everything. It all comes down to how you want to handle it and how you feel about it.
Great advice from all...it's hard to go through hard things, feeling SO ALONE...I can only imagine that is the most prominate feeling...ALONENESS!!! The one person you share EVERYTHING with (your husband) you don't trust with your feelings right now, so finding that trusting outlet, and a true support is tricky, yet needed....GOOD LUCK!!!
Wow. Wow. And one more WOW. Kristen-You are so right. It is such a HUGE decision. And it is the biggest thing to happen to me since mission, marriage, or babies. I feel so much pressure. The ball is completely in my court now to make a decision to terminate the marriage relationship or to work things out. I put a lot of the pressure on myself to make decision(s) that will effect myself and my children. This whole rocky marriage thing totally sucks and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Such great comments! No one really knows a marriage if they aren't in it. I think if you have someone to talk to, someone you can trust, it has to make it at least a little better.
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