We've gone back through the Bossy mail bag and found several questions that we never answered. Why didn't we answer them? We were too busy telling other people what to do. But now, we are focused on those questions. Once a week we will post a question and then do our very best to tell you what to do.
You may not hear from each sister because sometimes we say the same things (this week I said nearly the same thing as Sally). We hope you enjoy the new focus of our blog. If you have a question for us send it to bossyhelp@gmail.com.
It's hard to know so much. We can't help that we have all the answers.
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"How do I tell someone that because of their comments I feel like they are judging my children overly harshly and also me, as an indication of my parenting? This is someone I am related to by marriage, and they will likely be in my life for many years to come." - Timid in Idaho
Sally Says:
To answer your question literally, meaning, what words to say? Use DESC. I know it's not a particularly fabulous acronym, but it is a great way to give feedback to anyone, any time. Here is what DESC stands for:
Describe the situation
Explain the impact
Say what you want
Consequence, either way
- When describing the situation, state facts only. Talk about specific, observable, objective information. Say "Yesterday you did/said XYZ".
- Explain the impact of his/her behavior. This might be an explanation of how you feel after the behavior, or the impact it has on a situation or other people.
- Say what you want him/her to do differently. Be specific, clear and calm.
- Explain what the consequence is if they change their behavior (or not).
Here is a typical way to give feedback, which ends up making the other person feel defensive and usually doesn't go very well:
"It seems like you judge my children overly harshly and it makes me feel like you think I"m not a good parent."
Better way:
- Describe: "Yesterday you mentioned that Daughter has issues with being selfish. You also said that she is too loud most of the time."
- Explain impact: "When you said that, it felt overly harsh to me. She does share, but at this age, it's normal for her to protect her toys. And loud is what 6-year-olds do. Hearing you say those things made me feel bad. I want you to know that daughter is a great kid. It also made me feel that you might be judging my parenting, which hurt my feelings."
- Say what you want: "I know you love Daughter very much, and I am glad we have the relationship we do. Next time you have a serious concern about her behavior, can you think it over and then talk to me in private? "
- Consequence: "That way I can better understand your concerns and we can have a conversation. Otherwise it just leaves me feeling bad."
Not easy to say, but much clearer and more effective.
This method (DESC) works in all kinds of situations. With teachers, children, spouse, DMV, you name it. You just have to remember to use it (which I don't, just ask my husband!). Good luck.
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Emily Says:
This is tricky. I think more information would help me to give a better answer. My first answer is: get over it. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but some people are very critical, and it might be unlikely that there is much you can do to change the situation. Can you try to have a sense of humor about it? Can you try to laugh about it and approach it with some kind of affection for their concern and interest in your family and let it go, let it roll off your back? Especially if this is a person you don't see very frequently.
However, if the critical comments are very frequent, and no matter how hard you try to toughen up, it continues to hurt your feelings and makes you feel bad about yourself, then you probably need to talk to them about it. I would suggest bringing it up during a time when they are NOT saying anything negative, during a time that your feelings aren't charged and emotional--when you're feeling good and they won't feel so defensive. Use language that focuses on the behavior, not the person. For example: "When you do this, it makes me feel this way..." instead of language that is accusatory such as, "YOU make me feel this way."
Here is a sample:
You: "____, I was wondering if I could tell you something that is kind of a sensitive issue that has been troubling me for awhile."
Them: "Okay..." (they will be feeling nervous, and maybe a little defensive)
You: "It's something that I've worried about telling you, but I just really love you and that is why I want to go ahead and share it with you. I mean to say this with love and sincerity because I love you so much. Sometimes when we talk you say things that I think you intend to be helpful, or that you tend to be advice about how I parent my children. But even though I know you're saying it out of love, it still really hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm a bad parent, or that you think I'm a bad parent. I try not to let it bother me, but it continues to happen, and I'm not sure how to handle it."
Them:...(let them talk, try to listen and smile and nod, be understanding, respond to them the way you want them to respond to you)
End with telling them that you love them and you appreciate them in your life, and that you appreciate their love and care for your children. Express that you feel blessed that they take an interest in your family life. Explain that is why it was hard for you to say something about it, because you don't want them to stop showing their love, but you thought they might appreciate knowing how sometimes the unsolicited advice feels hurtful.
Always end with love and understanding.
It might make a difference, it might not. You might risk a little damage to the relationship if they're a defensive person, or they may be really grateful that you told them because they love you and had no idea what was happening. They may have thought that all of those conversations were so nice and sympathetic, not hurtful. And for you: try to lighten up! Try to laugh about it! Try to focus on the positive, loving things about this family member.
However, if the critical comments are very frequent, and no matter how hard you try to toughen up, it continues to hurt your feelings and makes you feel bad about yourself, then you probably need to talk to them about it. I would suggest bringing it up during a time when they are NOT saying anything negative, during a time that your feelings aren't charged and emotional--when you're feeling good and they won't feel so defensive. Use language that focuses on the behavior, not the person. For example: "When you do this, it makes me feel this way..." instead of language that is accusatory such as, "YOU make me feel this way."
Here is a sample:
You: "____, I was wondering if I could tell you something that is kind of a sensitive issue that has been troubling me for awhile."
Them: "Okay..." (they will be feeling nervous, and maybe a little defensive)
You: "It's something that I've worried about telling you, but I just really love you and that is why I want to go ahead and share it with you. I mean to say this with love and sincerity because I love you so much. Sometimes when we talk you say things that I think you intend to be helpful, or that you tend to be advice about how I parent my children. But even though I know you're saying it out of love, it still really hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm a bad parent, or that you think I'm a bad parent. I try not to let it bother me, but it continues to happen, and I'm not sure how to handle it."
Them:...(let them talk, try to listen and smile and nod, be understanding, respond to them the way you want them to respond to you)
End with telling them that you love them and you appreciate them in your life, and that you appreciate their love and care for your children. Express that you feel blessed that they take an interest in your family life. Explain that is why it was hard for you to say something about it, because you don't want them to stop showing their love, but you thought they might appreciate knowing how sometimes the unsolicited advice feels hurtful.
Always end with love and understanding.
It might make a difference, it might not. You might risk a little damage to the relationship if they're a defensive person, or they may be really grateful that you told them because they love you and had no idea what was happening. They may have thought that all of those conversations were so nice and sympathetic, not hurtful. And for you: try to lighten up! Try to laugh about it! Try to focus on the positive, loving things about this family member.
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Robin Says:
Are we related to the same person?
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Kristen Says:
It is difficult to be on the receiving end of criticism of our children, whether there is truth to it or not. I think it is important to first try to think of this person's point of view; do they know your kids well? Is there any accuracy to their comments? And, do you value their opinion on this topic? If they don't really know your children and/or their comments are off base, then their opinion, although unpleasant to deal with, is not something you need to worry too much about. If they do know your children and there is some truth to their comments, and especially if you do value their opinion, then address those issues they have made you aware of. You might thank them for bringing those things to your attention, but ask that in the future they be more sensitive with their comments. It is okay to say to someone, "I felt defensive when you commented that my kids are lazy and play video games all day. As a matter of fact, they are very busy with school, homework, chores, sports, etc. You may only see them when they are relaxed because we don't invite company when we are on a strict schedule."
This is one of those times when it is appropriate to kindly stand up for yourself and your kids. But remember to be sensitive and not emotionally reactive, because, as you said, they will likely be in your life for many years to come.
